Back and determined

I've taken the 1st step! I'm back on track, for now, but am struggling with the emotional issues that I had the surgery, lost weight to within 25 pounds of goal, and fell back into old habits. I wasn't eating a lot, but my choices were pretty carby. Bread, pasta, potatoes, and sugar. Toss in a couple of pieces of fruit a day, cheese, and milk in my coffee. Inevitably, the weight slowly crept up on me, a pound at a time, until the scale pretty much screamed at me that I had gained 45 pounds and was a total loser. Without much time for my brain to protest, I cut out the major carb foods, started measuring my portions, counting calories, carbs, and protein, and logging every morsel that goes into my mouth on My Fitness Pal. And putting my backside on my exercise bike EVERY day for at least 5 miles. I discovered I'm actually enjoying the routine.

I also started taking Prilosec every morning because I finally figured out my "hunger pains" weren't real. I was having acid issues, and eating "a little something" wasn't what I needed to do and is what got me started on the downhill slide in the first place. After a few days, I was no longer "hungry." Big revelation. Sign hung ...take thy pill.

I'm down 9 pounds in 2 weeks. Honeymoon period, of course, but it's a start. It's back to the basics: 2 shakes a day, dinner = dense protein first/50 % of the meal, then low carb veggies. My go-to snack food is SF Jello.

I'm beating myself up less this week, but I feel a little of that has helped me make a sincere resolution to "finish" my plan to reach goal. I didn't go through surgery and all that hard work to look in the mirror and see the fat me has returned. Not as heavy as I was before surgery, but there's no way I want to let myself go back to that level. No way. I've cried, pouted, gotten angry, and let out a lot of the pent up stuff, but there's still a bit left to deal with. This journey feels lonely so much of the time. And I'm scared I'll lose my focus, resolve, or whatever motivation it is I've grasped, and fall back into old habits. I'm fighting the impulses and head chatter that goes along with all the years of dieting and being judged.

I know I'm rambling, but I prolly just needed to get this off my chest, face facts, and admit that I really blew it. And then move on in a positive way. I'm sitting here thinking this confessional commentary is my 2nd step. My 3rd is yet to be determined.

Well done!  Congratulations on the steps taken.  You are an over-comer in my books.

Thanks, I'm pretty much trying to brainwash myself and self-pep talk is helping. It's embarrassing to admit I gained, and I'm SO wanting to get to a normal weight. I'm back to beating myself up for not reaching goal, and for letting the pounds creep back up. 

you can do this. check in here everyday which is a way of taking responsibility plus getting support.  take thy pill and pass on carbs.   diane

Thanks, Diane. I've been lurking for weeks, reading posts, trying to get up my courage. Was a big step for me to jump in and say what I did, so I'm proud of me for that. I'm laughing because I actually put a post-it-note up that says TAKE THY PILL on my bathroom mirror. A stranger (my house is on the market) might think I'm young and taking a different type of pill! :D

That's fantastic!!  I'm just curious what is considered low carbed veggies?

Here's a link to one of the sites I use: 

http://www.ruled.me/best-low-carb-vegetables-ketogenic-diet/