Me again - update - LONG

I’ve debated posting because what I’m doing is so contrary to what this site is about – meaning losing weight.

I am very much enjoying working with the new RDN and psychologist. I’m also enjoying reading a book recommended to me by the RDN, which also has my psychologist’s approval. (Again, the book isn’t exactly what this site is about either, so…)

The upshot of all this is that I realized that I have been either dieting or gaining weight for the last 43 or 44 years. I was put on my first diet by well meaning parents at either 7 or 8. Regardless of the age, I was very young and prolonged dieting has had a profound effect on me.

There is no possible way that I can achieve long term what I have come to unconsciously believe I need to do to lose weight and maintain that loss long term. My expectations for myself are unrealistic at best. It’s because of these unwritten (and mostly unspoken) rules I have for myself around food that I constantly set myself up for some type of binge behavior – no matter how small the binge may seem. Then of course the self-berating and the “why bother?” and “it’s no use” thoughts begin.

I posted some time ago that I was tired. I really am. I am exhausted of this whole food thing. It’s gotten to be too emotionally taxing and even in a sense physically draining. I need to find peace with food. And as long as I have these “rules” for myself, it just won’t happen. There is a saying that goes something along the lines of, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I’m going down a different path in hopes that I will get a different result.

So with a great deal of support and encouragement from both the RDN and the psychologist I am not trying to lose weight. I am working on learning to trust myself with food. This means that I have to learn that no foods are inherently bad and that no foods are truly off limits. I’m learning to honor my hunger and more importantly to me, to honor my satiety. I am learning to trust my body to let me know what it wants. And I am learning how to let “healthy” carbs back in my life. I am learning that an orange and a cookie have very different types of carbohydrate make ups. I’m also learning to not judge my days as either good or bad because of my food intake or choices. There is more – a lot more –to this new path, but this may give you an idea of where I am. I’m in for the long haul and for now have put the idea of weight loss on hold.

This is a very uncertain and somewhat uncomfortable territory. For the first several days I enjoyed the freedom. Yet, having been consciously off the diet wagon, so to speak, for a little more than a week I feel the pull to go back to a food plan. I even woke up this morning with the thought of having a good food day. I am really working on changing that idea of good and bad when it comes to my eating.

Each day has brought a new sense of knowing and awareness. This is good, but, as I said, unsettling. This new path seems to be keeping me away the OH boards a little more, too. I guess I am feeling like my new path is taking me away from the “Back to Basics” WLS approach and looking at my food, dieting, and disordered eating from a different and probably not so popular angle.

Kairk, I am so glad you posted and updated us.  First, let me say how much I applaud what you're doing!  You are taking care of yourself, which is always a good thing.  Secondly, this is what this board is all about - learning to live life without all of the burdens we've had, or still have, around food.  It's not strictly about losing weight, especially this maintenance group.  We all struggle with our lifelong food demons, and, I believe, we all want to find peace with those demons and move forward in our lives, in whatever manner works for us.  I can't speak for everyone, but I am very interested in this journey you've embarked on, and hope you will stay with us, if you feel it's right for you, and lets us go along the journey with you.  Sending big hugs! 

Mary

Thanks for your post which is excellent.  You are on to something in that this should not be such an internal struggle all the time.  There is a book"Diets Don't Work" along the lines of your discusion; maybe thats what you are reading.  Its an interesting approach.  Best wishes and keep checking in.  Diane

Again,this is an echo of what am going through.   Thank you.  Thank you. 

Am so ashamed to have let myself get into the old pattern of eating and thinking.

Well done. And AGAIN, HUGE thanks.

Oh, goodness, you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. Seriously! So you gained 35 pounds. It happens. You're probably even statistically average. Here, take this definition of successful from the ASMBS, "‘Successful’ weight-loss is arbitrarily defined as weight-loss equal to or greater than 50 percent of excess body weight. Often, successful results are determined by the patient, by their perceived improvement in quality of life. In such cases, the total retained weight-loss may be more, or less, than this arbitrary definition."

So there you have it. 50% EWL. You've done that. Hang on to the success you've had.

Now, here are some of my own thoughts: Many people espouse using the honeymoon period to change your eating habits, etc.... Change them for life. For some of us that is far easier said than done. In hindsight I can see that I clearly looked at the WL stage of WLS as a "diet". Once off the "diet" and at goal I slowly started to let "non-diet" foods creep back in. Each time I did this it was like some internal battle and turmoil boiling and roiling up inside of me. I had guilt, and berated myself, etc... You know that.

Now I'm trying a different approach. I can't diet anymore. I just can't. I have great restriction and my new job, if you want to call it that, is to learn how to eat. By that I mean to eat the way I did as a child - intuitively. I was the kid who passed up dessert. I never cleaned my plate. I grabbed an apple here, a muffin there. Food was unimportant to me. That is until my food intake became important to others. I got a little chunky as a 7 year old and this worried my parents and I was put on a diet. From that point on I have been on a diet or off a diet and have had so, so many external controls put on my food intake - by others, by our culture and by my own beliefs. I'm relearning how to eat for my "normal". It may be a hard concept to grasp, and in a way it is. If you want more info, you can PM me.

So yes, I've had regain. I understand why now more than I did a month ago. We all have so many rules built up around food and what we are supposed to eat and when, or this is a "bad" food and this food is a "good" food. How many times have you said I had a bad eating day or bad food day? Me, countless times. The fact is I just ate. Had I just accepted the fact that I ate a high sugar, fat laden, or a highly refined carbohydrate food and moved on I would have been fine. Instead, my internal dialogue just fired up and told me how bad I was and how I had blown it. After a while, I would think what the hell, I can't do this anyway, so I'd just give in and go on a binge. Then the whole go on a diet cycle then falter, then berate, and eventually binge cycle would start all over again. I think a lot of us are that way. I'm choosing to be done with that. Fini!

This is work, but it's a healthy work and I believe that it will take me where I want to go.

Please be kind to yourself and know that you will falter and that it's okay. We CANNOT be perfect in this journey. NO ONE can be.