A view from behind enemy lines: when people talk about weight

Sometimes I feel like such a secret agent.  That it's really all just an elaborate costume and no one knows that I used to weigh 277lbs.  And most the time I'm glad that I can just be "me" because I feel like the image I put out now is more akin to my personality than my fat suit ever was.  So I'm grateful people see "me."

 

The exceptions to that is when I hear nasty comments directed at overweight people.  Ya know, people were, for the most part, pretty good about getting out of my earshot before saying something before.  Sure, I *knew* it was there, the great big elephant in the room, the weight issue hanging densely like a fog, and anytime there was a whisper or rumbling, I was sure it had to be directed at me, but outside of honest little kids, or middle school, I did not experience it to my face when I was overweight.

 

Now, much to my chagrin, I see it much more often.  My sister (also had surgery) is much better about bluntly and boldly confronting it head-on, and calling people out on it.  One of her facebeook "friends" had posted a picture of an overweight woman eating a salad with a tagline something to the effect of "what good will that do."  My sister called him out for his childishness, lack of compassion,.  And to someone I have little involvement with, I might even be willing to do the same thing.

 

But what about when it's people you love?  What about when they are just being thoughtless in the truest meaning of the word.  And could they merely be the victims of a society which constatnly tells us that it's okay to treat overweight people this way?

 

Even my father, who loves both of his formerly-obese girls as much as a father could, and understands the unique difficulties of being overweight as well as the cruel world overweight people live in, will yell out "you dumb pig" when he sees a politician he doesn't like.  

 

Well what am I getting at, exactly?  My fiance, as a strange and completely coincidental twist of fate would have it, has an ex who had weight loss surgery.  You'll have to take my word for it when I tell you that she does not need your sympathy on the whole, but his family will come across his old family pictures (including her before she lost weight) and go on about what a cow she was, etc., etc.  I actually think she's quite pretty now and was heavy but pretty then (and that's the last of the good things you'll hear me say about her).  I know their intent is probably to put me more at ease, corral all around me, and make my fiancee feel better.  And even as tempting it is to join in and even condone this dialogue, and as undeserving as she is of our sympathy, it doesn't feel right.  Because that could be me.  Because not liking someone does not mean we should automatically cut them down as far as something like weight.  Because that was me 3 1/2 years ago.  I might not be perfect, but my weight is never deserving of the attack.  Believe me, there are more legitimate things for someone to dislike about me.

Now of course I cannot call out his family!  Especially when they are taking about his ex, and especially when they are doing it for my benefit!!!

I had an interesting thing happen with my husband's Grandmother...she had never acknowledged my 138# loss and one day I finally said I've lost a lot of weight and I need to go shopping. She turned it around and talked about her weight loss (about 15#) but did say I'd lost weight!  She continued to say that years ago when my husband and I got together that his stepmother warned her about me and said she might not like be because I was FAT!!!  I was blown away.  However, I cracked up laughing because that's the way my husband's stepmother was...negative and critical.  Would that have hurt my feelings years ago...YES!!! Today, not so much.  I'm more sad that people think the way she does/did. I agree with you....there are more legit reasons not to like me.  

I've had this experience too and it is quite awkward. For me it has not been in a situation where I've been free to express my opinion, but it really stuck with me.

Of course you CAN call out his family. If you can't call out family, who can you call out? 

I just say things like "she seems really pretty to me" and they can usually tell from my tone of voice that those types of comments will not fly with me.

I agree!!!!  :)

I have had similar experiences.  

My husband is Army and we have moved a lot.  Every time we move I meet new people who have never known me over weight.  Not knowing my past, new friends or acquaintances will say negative, critical or insensitive comments about over weight people in front of me.  It is painful to hear knowing that I have been the subject so many times in the past.  I do my best to be polite, but I try to express myself in a way that tells them that I don't appreciate them saying such things.  It can be tricky and I am getting better at it.  I think practice helps.  I have released some of the anger around it all.  That makes it easier.  

On a separate subject, there is a girl that works at my local Costco.  She appears to be so young, in her 20'sand her bmi must be over 42, I am guessing. I could feel her pain the other day when she was tying her shoe.  I so want to talk to her about affordable, and safe surgery.  I don't even know her.  I waited until my 40's to have surgery.  She could end this discomfort and unhealthy way of living.  I wish there was a way to approach her about it.  I would not know how to do that.  Any advice?

 

 

 

 

That is very hard.  I have not been very transparent or open about my surgery, but I have had people ask me about my weightloss--mostly it's from those interested in losing weight.  Unfortunately I think a lot of it has to do with how receptive the other person is, and not how well and sensitively you frame the issue.  I had to try just about every diet known to man before deciding on WLS.  

 

My best suggestion would be to kind of "befriend" her--I know that you'll be limited in that capacity, but strike up a conversation that lets her know that you identify with being overweight without being terribly obvious.  Probably a lot of people think if you're thin you cannot understand or have anything to say with their weightloss, especially not things that aren't judgmental.  So if she knows that you know something then maybe she'll be like "but you don't have a weight problem" and that's a nice entree into "but I did...here's what happened."  

Very good advice.  We probably have more in common then just weight.