Maintenance -- just not doing it right -- PLEASE support, don't judge!

hi guys!  been a while.  man, that maintenance is a *****!!!!  yup, not enough therapy (which seems impossible, LOL) to fix the bad eating patterns aquired as a thin emotional eater (in my youth).  one clean day.  seven days on mfp.  not doin' it.  ate 1700 cals a couple of days ago.

uck.  not supposed to do this.  i think it's self-control, but then why do i give in.  why am i not getting to the effective way to eradicate this pattern?

please tell me that y'all know what i'm talking about!  i know we basiaclly all ended up here for theee very reasons.  i gained 3 pounds in the past month and now i'm scared.  panicked.  but i can take it off, dammit!  and then i "binge"  (not a real binge, but crap-eating).

all help and companionship appreciated.  i know:  get back to basics.  got that.  not doing it.  not the only one.  HOW did you pull yourself out.

sending hugs!!!!

I wish I had a solution for you.  Unfortunately, the only support I can give is the fact that you're not alone, you're just brave enough to admit  your problems.  I frequently eat crap and think "why am I doing this?", while putting the cookie in my mouth... and yet I do it anyway.  Wish I knew why (other than the fact that they taste so darn good).  I got pregnant 6 months post op and pregnancy has always been really wonderful for my metabolism.  I got used to being able to indulge "without consequences".  After the baby was born, I was nursing and still had a pretty good metabolism, I got down to my original goal (and then some) while still eating whatever I wanted.  So, with all of that, I never had to learn maintenance.  In the process of trying for baby #3, I've had two miscarriages and am stuck in this weird place of wanting to drop a few pounds, but feeling like I should just wait until after having a baby.  I get frustrated that I know what to do, but just don't do it.  Sometimes I feel like I just need to start lacing sweets with ipeca****il my brain has such a negative response to them that I can just give them up, lol.  Guess we've all got our head issues to work on!  Good luck!

I'm going to say something that goes very much against the grain of our WLS community where the normal response to a message like yours is YOU CAN DO THIS!  I have faith in you!

I  know "you can do it!" sounds so empowering and supportive and helpful. But sometimes it's not. It's actually the opposite. It's' enabling. It's enabling a destructive cycle.

I see this from you. I see that you have fallen into this destructive cycle (or maybe never left it?) where you cycle between being in control, losing a bit and then falling "off the wagon" and gaining it back. I believe you are in this cycle for a number of reasons including believing that weight is about willpower and that your problem is that you lack it. And also because, like most of us who have struggled with our weight, you expect perfection from yourself in this area of your life even though in other areas of your life you are probably happy if you do your best.

Personally, I don't believe that our weight is about willpower and that your problem is a lack of willpower. I think your body wants to be a certain weight and it just so happens that this weight is higher than you find acceptable, for whatever reason.

You have a number of choices but I'm not going to go into them because, if I'm wrong about this, then going through all the choices is just annoying. Plus, you probably know what they are. 

But I do suggest you read this:

http://www.weightymatters.ca/2011/11/are-you-trying-to-quali fy-for-boston.html

and also this one:

http://www.weightymatters.ca/2012/01/are-you-doomed-to-regai n-thoughts-on.html

which talks about what it takes to maintain.

And, if you think these are on point, then I can point you to some stuff that's related that I think can help you.

Macmadame

Your post made me really think about what people are looking for when they include that in a thread.  I do think to a degree you are correct in that there is a cycle that is going on.  I am not sure about the enabling part, but certainly concede that it could be interpreted that way by an OP. I guess overall though I think part of why people in general post this is to stave off harsh comments.  There is a difference between a harsh comment and a constructive comment (or sometimes referred to as drill sergeant style comment).  Your thoughtful post falls squarely under the constructive heading.  

It is always tough though knowing how a comment that is being left will be interpreted by the reader.  A lot of nuance is lost via typed text compared to spoken word and seeing body language.  

I never really know how to answer someone when they say "please support, don't judge." I tend to think I'm being set up to fail because anything said could be looked at as harsh. So, I usually try to stay away from these types of threads because I don't want to make things worse and I know that what I say/write tends to be a little too unfiltered for most folks.

But, damnit Ann, I just really like you. Do you know that you were the first person that accepted my friend request? I was sure no one would ever accept a friend request from me. The times that I've read your posts that sounded like these, you were being defensive about something. What would you say to someone else if they were sabotaging themselves this way?

What's going on in your head right now? What's eating at you? You know how to deal with large amounts of stress by the sounds of your job. So, this is something separate from that. Are you mad at yourself about something? Are you afraid of something? Were you passed over for a promotion and maybe now you feel inadequate?

Mac is right, we humans tend to be cyclical. You've got to break this cycle and I think the only way you are going to do that is to get down to the nitty gritty of why you are falling back to old ways of eating.

I can honestly tell you that I completely understand. But, I also have to say that when my eating goes the wrong way it is in direct response to something that is affecting my emotions. Ex: my husband is firing up his resume when I started a new job. My emotions are frustration, fear, feeling like a failure (long story). I want to eat my ******g leg off, starting at my toes.

Instead, hubby and I are going for bike rides and walks and working out together. We're taking drives. We're talking. A lot. I tend to not talk because I don't like burdening the people I love. But, you know what? That is why we are all here together, in this family.

I hope this helps. I just love the heck out of you.

I have nothing to add to the above. It really is a learning process and the mental **** is way harder than the rest, right?

No judgment, babe. Every single person here has struggled. If they say they haven't, they are either saints (and we hate their asses) or they are flat out lying.

I'm definitely an emotional eater and therapy helps, but I just have to figure out how to control it internally too. I'm still working on it. I think I'll be working on it for the rest of my life, but... in the wise words of Slim... "What the **** else are you going to do?"

Weight loss isn't really about the scale, right? What a *****

I'm going to step in here and own the fact that, just like Ann, I'm doing it wrong.  I'm back to yo-yoing with my weight, and the very real fear that I could regain most, if not all of it. 

At the moment, the most powerful thing I think I can do for myself to get back on track is brutal honesty and self-examination, and as much kindness as I can muster.  My brain's REALLY good at justifying anything I want to eat, and pretending I can get back on track tomorrow.  Yeah, that's so not working for me.  Tomorrow comes, and if I'm lucky I get back on track, but after a few days I'm off to the races again with trigger foods.  And I remind myself that this isn't going to magically fix itself.  I'm the only one who can put a stop to the regain, and fix my habits. 

So, I gather together my bag of tools, anything I know of that seems to help.  Spend a few minutes every day journaling to consciously face what's going on, what my goals are, and acknowledge that I have work to do to get there.   Brush my teeth after meals.  Chew sugar free gum.  Drink more water, and take my supplements.  Make an effort to get out in the sunshine (or at least the fresh air, this is Seattle after all!), whether I feel like it or not, because once I'm out there I'm glad I went.  Be VERY careful about what I bring with me to work for food.  Get the carbs and sugar out of my diet - I am not a "moderation" kind of girl, I'm an addict.  Take a break now and then through the work day to manage stress with stretching, deep breathing, or a quick walk around the office.  Most of all, pay attention to my patterns - when am I eating, why am I eating, what else can I try to replace that habit, and what's working and what's not.  Come to peace with the fact that this is going to be hard, but know that I can do hard things.

Hang in there Ann!  I have to have faith that we're not hopeless causes!

I think we just have to accept that if we want to maintain a lower weight than the weight at which our bodies naturally settle, we are going to have to make a career out of it.  Me personally, I like to eat more than is ideal if I want to maintain, so I exercise, HARD, 5-6 days a week to give myself some caloric wiggle room.  Somebody else might choose to exercise less and eat less.  That's just the reality.  There is no "back to basics," or "willpower," or anything else.  There's just finding a balance of food intake, exercise, and number on the scale that works for you.  Honestly I'd love it if I weighed 5 or 10 or even 15 pounds less than I do, but I am not willing to do what it takes to maintain such a low weight so I choose to be happy at the weight that is maintainable for me at a reasonable-for-me level of exercise and food intake.  But I still eat way less and exercise way more than almost anybody I know.

If one day a week of 1700 calories is causing you to gain weight, you  may indeed be shooting for a weight that isn't realistically maintainable for you.  I eat around 1700-1800 calories per day to maintain around 120 (in addition to a lot of exercise), and that doesn't seem like all that much food.

As for what to do, how about concentrating on not gaining more, rather than trying to lose right now?  If and when you figure out how to maintain, you can decide how and whether to try to lose again.

In other words, what McMadame said!  ;)

We each have. Different reality. One of my Bariatric surgeons told me to make peace with mine and not feel sorry for myself. best advice I ever got after over a year post op.

In maintenance I can eat 1200 calories of meat, veggies, a little fruit and a bit of sweet potato and a bit of avocado along with EVOO to cook with. No flour,sugar, grains or alcohol. I need 6-7 hours of intense (sweat) exercise along with 10+ miles of walking each week to maintain 144 pounds. If I want to eat more the scale goes up 1-2 pounds. That's my truth. I with it wasnt so but at 62, on thyroid meds, that's my story. So I can sit around and fel sorry for myself or I can appreciate size 6-8 jeans. I'll go for appreciation. I felt sorry for myself in 24 jeans. I feel thrilled for myself today.

I get struggle. I had my first regain last fall after having plastics, a new desk job and a holiday affair with sugar and flour. I struggled with five pounds and had to go hardcore to get them off. No sugar, no flour, no artificial sweeteners. Sound harsh? So does the thought of 5 turning into 10 at 4 years post op. I'm determined not to be a statistic.

I wouldn't dare to judge you. I have plenty to do judging myself. Look yourself in the mirror and decide if you want that party in your mouth more than you want to feel happy and proud of yourself. For people like us, I don't think we get to have both. OA is a great place to learn about abstaining from the food substances that harm us.

Sending hugs your way. I hope you're able to choose joy. Take it one day, one meal at a time.

Hi Ann,

You've gotten excellent feed back. I have nothing more to add, really. Just wanted to say, that yes, I agree maintenance is a ***** to get a hold of. It is much more individual than than WL and no one person can tell another exactly how to do it.

I had some ****ty eating around January and February and put a few pounds back on. I'm still in the same clothes, but maybe a bit more snug than I would like. So I get it.

I've sort of figured out that it's not about self control for me, but about long term management. It's a different mental approach for me. I know that physically there is nothing I can't eat. But I do choose not to eat a lot of different foods that I used to. It's just easier that way for me.

Figure out what it really is that you need (could be any number of things). Sit with the issue and work on it just one day or one meal at a time. It's dedication to the process that will bring you success.