Daily Maintenance Weigh In - Sunday 3/31

Good morning and Happy Easter to those who celebrate the day.

This week's weight: 136.2

Finally got my taxes done and things came out A LOT better than I expected. Thought we'd owe a little; in fact we're getting back a reasonable amount. Which is good because we noticed yesterday that one of the cars needs an alignment and new tires. Ah well. Auto maintenance just is; it just never times itself well.

I feel like a total failure this morning and a big whiner. I'm trying to get myself together, but I just want to find a corner and cry. We're supposed to go Tom's grandmother's for Easter. They always do fried fish (I'll bring something else or just not eat, fried stuff is not good for my tummy).

165.2 this morning. Some of that is real from my 159.2 lowest, but my legs, back and hips are so swollen. I can feel it, my legs are numb from the back of my rear down to my knees and it hurts like hell. It's not ******g fair. All this goddamned work and I'm in such pain. I took a hydrocodone (well half of one) and hoping that does the trick. SO SICK OF DRUGS. I do have on my tightest jeans and they're snug, but mostly in the hips/upper thighs so something is going on. My thighs are NEVER swollen.

Okay, just getting it out there hoping that it will work, it sometimes does help to just say it out loud. I don't want surgery again, but I want this pain gone. I can go to the chiropractor, but it's always temporary relief. I'm sick of this and this is the worst it's ever been. I want OUT. I'm also coming to accept that I need to have my knees looked at. 30+ years of obesity and my knees are shot. And I need plastics. I'm sick of surgery. I'm sick of this roller coaster. I want ******g off the ride.

Okay, there. Sorry to dump here. Sometimes it feels better to get it out. I officially upped my calories in MFP to 1200 for the next two weeks. Hopefully, I don't gain on that, but I'm hoping to just maintain a bit. Gotta clean up my eating and get over the hissy fit. Food won't fix my problem and pretending that it will is not helping me. I'm strong and powerful and I can take back control.

I didn't do my mediation this morning and I'm too late for yoga so I'm going to finish my coffee and go get that done, try to get centered this morning. I love myself, I really do, but I'm just feeling sorry for myself this morning.

Bright note, it was amazing last night to go to dinner (see photos on main forum) in a dress and feel normal, to be fawned over by a high end restaurant and be able to truly enjoy what I was eat. I had steak tartare, seared scallops and the most amazing tart lemon meringue pot ever made. Actually, a good choice food-wise for a nice meal out. Love that place, small plates and amazing service/food.

Here's a pic from this morning (no makeup, hair not brushed, but whatever)... am I homicidal maniac or a precision surgeon? Hmmm. (ALL my kid asked for was this huge freaking chocolate bunny - I told her to hide it in her room - she's good, she will eat it over the course of the month or two LOL, I would likely scarf the whole thing down if left alone with it LOL!)

Hi Candy,

I'm glad you shared this.  I hope that as the day wears on, and you feel the need to talk or scream or vent or whatever, that you'll come right back on here and do just that.  We're all here for you and we all support you.  You're definitely not alone - but I'm sure you already know that.

I hope you find a way to relax today.  Maybe take a little bit more of the pain med - enough to make all the pain go away for just a few hours - and either meditate or do yoga or read a book...anything that gives you a little "mini-vacation" from the stress.  Even if it's only for an hour, make it the Candy-only hour.  No responsibilities, no worries, just you and some personal pampering.  Your schedule sounds like it might be full today, but try to be selfish and find this time.  It's important!

Hugs to you.  I'll be sending you good vibes today.

Fiona

Thanks, I detest the pain meds, ended up taking a whole Norco so the pain is manageable. (I apparently built up a tolerance to it after last year's hell). I'm going to take 2 with me to family Easter and take enough to get rid of it while there so I will be comfortable there. The good news is that family celebrations aren't all about the food anymore with me, so I can truly enjoy just being there.

Also, decided to make a kale and brussel sprout caesar salad to bring with me so I would have something I love and that's healthy. Going to throw that together before we leave. It feels like a guilty pleasure. I should get hubby to toss in my nice folding camping chair so I have somewhere comfortable to sit outside instead of those hard folding chairs.

Gotta be kind to myself today, I'm on the edge of insanity. LOL ;)

Thanks, guys... honestly, you are all amazing here. I love that I can say what I feel here and no one tries to completely fix it (love my husband, but he's a fixer!)

Candy:

You are braver then me for posting this! I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer...I too have been in pain HELL for the past year with a ventral hernia that resulted from my VSG...I have now had 2 major surgeries since September and this latest attempt to fix me has also FAILED. I am most likely facing a 3rd attempt at getting this fixed...not to mention the repair on my hiatal hernia has also failed and while an attempt to fix that seems to be working at the moment I am at SIGNIFICANT risk for having to be converted to an RNY...my worst nightmare and a risk I stupidly never saw coming when I chose to have WSL.

I know how traumatic last year was for you and perhaps you didnt even realize the dept of the issue until now..ahhh PTSD is a ***** that sometimes waits to rear her ugly head!

My VSG has been a blessing in many ways but I have actually had more issues post op then I ever did when I was FAT. My migraines have been RAGING out of control for almost all my time post op because I never got my period when I was heavy and now I do...and so I get migraines when I ovulate and have my period...plus lots of them in between...and yes I work with a wonderful neurologist but we are still trying to find me some relief...

So I think that you are brave to share your fears and struggles....until now I have just kept quiet and suffered in silence because I dont want to be a killjoy on the main boards and just havent had the energy to share...Im just SO SO beat down with pain on a daily basis.

I agree with the other poster..this is a good time to try and just focus on maintaining,,your body is obviously in need of nurturing right now and the WL mode can be pretty grueling on your body and mind and you have been ROCKING it for over 20 months.

As hard as it is getting to *goal* in terms of a # on the scale right now may just not be the best use of your energy.

I feel your pain in so many ways...and I too have had a hard time keeping my weight within a range I like...and I have too have been on too many narcotics and steriods...and those meds will kill you on the scale...

If only magic crab cakes could make all our troubles go away! :)

Thank you for being brave and putting it out there...You WILL get through this...this is a lifelong journey...and at least this is all happening when you got within 10 lbs of goal rather then 100. You have ROCKED this and now it is time to work on healing the other parts of you!

Think of you often!

Love, Elizabeth

Oh man, you guys all made me cry. I love that I can come here and not be judged or told to get over it. Sometimes just permission to feel sorry for myself helps.

Elizabeth - OMG, sweetie. That's a lot to take on. Being on pain meds SOUNDS a lot more fun than it actually is. It really sucks, it messes with your head, makes you foggy, but I know I try to not take them until after the kids get home from school so I can drive and be somewhat awake, I really really really do feel your pain too.

It's not fair, is it? We've done such amazingly good work and our bodies rebel against us. Love you, girlfriend. If you ever need to whine, text or call me - I'll send you my number. I feel better just getting it out of my head and "on paper" - I hope you do too. Sometimes just knowing we're not alone is a lot. Oooh, crab cakes! I had amazing crab legs the other day and thought of you! LOL! xoxo, we can get through this. Hang in there. Love you.

Hugs, big hugs! I get it. I have a congenital bone disease that wreaks havoc on my joints. So, I get it! Seems I always have some degree of trouble, but not like what you're going through. I am sitting here with a month of "doable" back pain and the "tingles" and can only imagine what you're having to go through. Sucks. You have every reason to have a pity party.

I just love that you can keep your sense of humor through it all. That will serve you well - always, but especially in the weeks to come.

Now, KILL THE BUNNY!!!!!!

It's only a rabbit. You got us all worked up! 

Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.

Run away! Run away!

Run away! Run away!...

Candy, I am so sorry that you are going all of this. Life can seem so unfair, especially , when you have worked so hard and dilligently to be healthier. Do what you can to take care of yourself and if you need the pain meds, please use them. I hope it helped to ventilate.

Hugs,

gail

I had a long response that I will have to redo - damnit.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

Fuck **** Fuck!!!!!