Denial/Resistance? Food addiction? Help!!!! *long*

... oh Ann (hugs!)

Snacking for me is the killer too.. If I have the carby/sugary stuff in the house, I WILL eventually succumb and eat it- not so much if I keep it out of the house as I'm lazy and won't go to the store to get it. So.. for me, and my sanity- I had to clean the cupboards and pitch *anything* I couldn't keep my brain from obsessing about- no cookies, no salty buttery crackers (Ritz are the devil) - stuff like that. No milk chocolate. Caramel anything.

I know you know- but some things that help when I am bouncing back from a fairly free-for-all (vacation eating, I buy a small bag of Cheetos/chocolate bar or whatnot that I'm craving to eat on the trip) I need to have a ready made snacky option.. chicken salad w/ mayo, good cheeses, things with protein & FAT to satisfy and fill me that I can eat at will for a couple days till I get past the cravings that come from being off-track. If I try to eat non-fat, or low fat when I have the hungries like that it never satisfies and I find I still am on the hunt, leading to a mini-binge. Regardless of how healthy the food in the house, if I go from eating a little of this and that- to me, it still feels like a binge and it's not good for my head. Something with fat and protein seems to derail this bottomless pit feeling well.

Small steps is the way I try to see every day, and every hand to mouth moment- good, better, best- not so good. Just because I had "not so good" a couple hours ago, doesn't mean I can't make the best choice at the next opportunity.. Try to take the self-judgement out of the food and come at it from a place of neutral observation- you may find you are really hungry for x but are having y and setting yourself up for continuing the hunt because you are not satisfied..

edited to add- I also plan on eating at least 6-7x a day, some days 8 (planned grazing!).. every 2-3 hrs I have something, and tea/coffee or drinking other stuff in between. It works for me. If I go 4 hours between meals- I am truly hungry, 3 and I'm getting past nibbly. I try to eat at nibbly if possible.

Deep breath. There's no reason for shame. Instead, give yourself credit for recognizing that you have a problem instead of sticking your head in the sand. That's huge.

None of us got to needing this surgery because our heads were on straight about food. Quite honestly, I needed therapy to get to a place where I could just calm down and acknowledge that I would probably never have my head on straight about food. And yeah, that's right. Therapy didn't get my relationship with food fixed, it just helped me get me attitude toward my flawed relationship with food fixed and develop strategies to deal with it.

I no longer look at this as something I can stop working at, I look at it like brushing my teeth and showering and other personal maintenance items as something I'm going to have to renew daily for the rest of my life. Strangely, accepting that reality has made things a lot easier, as it has allowed me to make things routine. I didn't get there overnight, though.

Don't be afraid to scrub the house again of the no-no foods and pretty much keep it scrubbed. We've actually worked out a good compromise in my house where my family and I have learned the foods that don't trigger me and they keep them around for snacking. Any foods that do (I'm looking at you salty snacks like crackers & chips) they buy in small packages and eat if they choose, but do not keep in the house.

My biggest suggestion is to work HARD to find foods that fit your plan that you enjoy. If you don't like yogurt then don't eat yogurt. I don't. Get in the habit of planning your eating in advance. I do mine the day before. I'll probably do this forever, I like it so much. Sometimes things change, but most days I eat just what I planned out the day before.

And one more: check in here every day for support until you feel stronger.

You can do this. You will do this.

thank you, thank you, thank you, my lovely friends.  if i were no at work i would be crying right now, instead of just having tears in my eyes.

so much wisdom.  so much love.  so much company and understanding.  i am very burned out at work (social worker, toll-free helpline at mental health non-profit, train and supervise students and volunteers, most of whom are starting right now), tired, and feeling sad -- the comfort of carbs . . .   i'm in therapy -- have been for a long time -- but not sure how to use for this.  great therapist, but she has some weight issues.  i've told her before that i'm not sure i can working on eating issues with her, but maybe that's just an excuse?

i'm going to print this out.  i'm going to try to post every day -- not epic posts, but just check in.  you have all offered me so much.  and Jo, i had never thought about the idea of eating some fat with my protein wen getting back to the healthy stuff as a way not to fall back on the "bad" stuff. i can totally see how that could work.

thank you for the love.  thank you for being my family *****ally understand what this is.  i have tried to feel safe by using food for a very long time.  its hard to let go and scary too.

BUT hell, i went so far as to have the surgery, i've freakin' lost 105 lbs, and i'm just going to have to be BRAVE enough and love myself enough to keep going in the right direction.

thank you for being my guides.  love you all so much.

one more thought. my doctor is now often recommending five meals a day rather than three. call the extra ones snacks or whatever but make them veggies with a bit of protein.  doctor says this works because it drops your grehlin level. he says waiting too long to eat can result in excess hunger and result in wrong choices. so when you food journal you might also note the time for awhile. all the best. you will win here. diane

Go ahead and jump - we are here to catch you.  You are not alone.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  YOu have already done an amazing job and you continue to do an amazing job.  Realizing you need help and reaching out for it are the hardest things of all.  Bravo to you I say!

Ann, I say this with all the love I can muster.  You have to let go of the negative emotions.  Those are the real poison.  They feed the behavior that drives the emotional part of the addiction.  You can't let yesterday poison tomorrow.  I spent 40 years doing that and almost killed myself with it.  

You feel like **** up?  Join the club.  We all **** up.  The trick is to forgive yourself.  The only thing a bad choice represents is the chance to make a better choice next time.  

Try not to focus on changing your life for all time or undoing a lifetime of eating habits.  Focus on today.  Tell yourself, tomorrow I may have a cookie or whatever your carb of choice is but I am not going to have one today.  Then tomorrow you can make that choice again.  Somedays you may actually have the carb - like I did on my Birthday.  Most days you will choose not to.  If you face this one day at a time its bearable and manageable.  

I have lately been asking myself the question  - 'will this bring me closer to, or further from my goal?" Consuming processed carbs really sets me up for days and days of severe cravings and head hunger.  I'm working to stay in prevention mode, rather than containment.

I also just wanted to take this opportunity to say Thank You! to everyone on this board who takes the time to share their experiences and offer their wonderful wisdom so generously. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I have read posts here for years - long before I had my own surgery last year, this is my first post. I have a ways to go so perhaps someday I will consider myself in maintenance. I just wanted to let you vets know that you help so many with your kind words.

We welcome you! Great post. You sure seem to have your head on straight, so you will reach your goal. Best of luck and don't be a stranger!

Dear Ann,

I fear this too.  We all do, right?  You've gotten such good suggestions.  Let me just add - the guilt and shame - for me, they are just another way of using food.  Those feelings take me out of the moment and keep me from acting as I should.  I can't hang on to those feelings *and* get back to a better place about food.

The other thing is, I can't do this alone.  I want to, I want to think I can, but in the middle of it, I am the monkey's ***** and my own efforts cannot always pull me out.  If this means I am weaker than some, then so be it.  But I have had to go to some pretty extreme lengths to get out of the compulsive eating.  Including having most of my stomach removed.  I resist it with all my might, but the truth has been for me, that when I am in that desperate and inconsolable place, I have had to admit defeat and commit my food to another human being on a daily basis until I regain some equilibrium. 

I don't do this easily, or often enough, but when I do, I am awash in relief.  This is just me - I know it's not true for everyone - but I can only offer what has worked for me.