Feeling Better

I was going to make this a reply to slimpickens, but I realized I had a lot to say and I was just going to tell everyone, darn it!  Think I'll post on the main board too.

I took her advice and looked at what was not right besides my feelings about food.  Because how I feel about food is not my problem.  Food is a way I try to manage my feelings about life.

So here's what I realized.  I have been very down about work for the past month or so.  I am an engineer, but I am responsible for business development (read: sales) in my area and while I've developed a pretty good attitude about the kind of rejection you get in this area, I had some pretty disappointing losses in December that hit me pretty hard - jobs I'd really wanted and put a lot of myself into winning.  This is why I have been overall successful, but the amount of investment I can make personally leaves me a little vulnerable when things don't work out.  I usually think I've got it under control, but I have not really acknowledged how disappointing the last month or so has been.

I also did not get selected for an internal position I'd applied for, and that also really bummed me out because I'm used to being very successful at work and I was getting judged by a group of people that didn't know me (i.e., my reputation didn't reach into their area).  I have so much of my sense of self wrapped up in work, especially since the kids have grown up.  It's mostly a good thing - I get lots of kudos and this is an important time to excel in order to entrench myself for the next 10 years heading to retirement.  Consulting is a brutal environment and you pretty much have to constantly be doing the razzle-dazzle to stay employed.  So when they said I wasn't selected, I was like WTF!!  I am the best person for that job and you all are idiots for not selecting me!!  And then I felt pissed off and rejected and (dare I say) petulant.

When I get like this - feeling sorry for myself - the monkey tells me all his usual lies about food and I think I started believing some of them!  Like, poor you, you would feel better if you ate X, or poor you, you lost all this weight and you still didn't win that project, or poor you, why deny yourself X when everything else has gone wrong.  Just a big long litany of "poor you's" that crazy addict brain telling me food should fix it.  And then I eat X, feel hungry, feel pissed off I feel hungry, monkey says, see, why did you even have surgery? Just go eat some cheesecake!  Then I dig myself into "poor you" a little deeper.  The thing I forget is that trying to fix things with food ALWAYS makes it worse.  ALWAYS.  Without exception.  And I forget because I have an addict brain.  My pride really wants you all to know I have stayed out of the sugar, this is so important to me, but have eaten all sorts of things I've avoided since surgery, like mashed potatoes, bread, starchy casseroles. 

I have not lost myself into the food, but I have successfully distracted myself from my feelings of rejection and disappointment by feeling pitiful and petulant about food.  It is a privilege to log my food, not a punishment.  I chose to not eat the cheesecake, it's not a punishment.  Peace of mind around food is the most important thing, because it allows me the mental room to experience the rest of my life.  I *am* disappointed we did not win the projects we lost in December, but we are covered up in work and we will not starve next year.  I am grateful we had so many opportunities to propose on work, because you never win if they don't ask you for a proposal.  I *am* disappointed I didn't get this position, but I trust that if they didn't want me, it wouldn't have been a good fit.  Something else will come along.

I have a wonderful family.  My partner (of 25 years) and I will be spending Christmas with her sister, her sister's daughter, our girls and one of their boyfriends (fiance!).  There will be skiing.  I am a normal size and will be able to rent ski clothes.  I have the physical stamina to walk around in the snow, up and down hills, and I'm going to take a ski lesson.  A therapist told me once we all juggle balls - love life, work life, family life.  It's very rare for all the balls to be in the same place at the same time.  I have to be able to appreciate the big picture even if one of the balls is not at the top.  The best of days pass and the worst of days pass.  And food doesn't have anything to do with it.

Happy, I am so glad you are feeling better!  You have such an eloquent way of writing and your words are an inspiration to us all!  Sorry for the disappointments you've had recently, though I am happy that you were able to identify what was going on before that little %#!@ of a monkey got too much of an inroad into your strength.  It's that inner strength that is helping you to thwart it again, and hopefully s/he will stay away for awhile!  Thanks for being here!  Mary

Thank you for this.

Happy, I applaud you.

I wish you, your partner, and your family a wonderful holiday.

It's amazing how efficient we (I am) are at internalizing our frustrations. One thing I learned is that we all have our demons. Skinny people, wealthy people, famous people, fat people. Choosing WLS we've taken away our coping mechanism which makes our issues feel so raw and exposed.

Luckily, we have good support systems who understand that we don't need them to fix anything - we just need them to listen.

Happy, I have read this twice now and it is so open and honest and insightful that I really don't know what to say. What I will say is "thank you" for sharing your personal story and enlightenment with us. You have given a voice to my thoughts and concerns about food ( which of course really have nothing to do with food). I applaud you for your ability to be introspective and figure out where your demons are coming from. 

Have a wonderful holiday with your family! And I'd love to see a ski photo. I still picture you in those hot boots!

Judy

I like the thought about juggling balls, it certainly seems to ring true a lot of times.

I hope your Christmas was as fun as you planned and that you had a great time on the slopes! 

Lindsey