This smartass needs some of her own medicine

I love the holidays. I hate the holidays. Like everyone, I become a bipolar holiday mess. I have 2 brothers. One is awesome. The other one is an ass. I fall somewhere in the middle - an awesome ass. HA! So, I told my awesome brother that I don't want to spend a moment with my ass brother. He completely understood. My ass brother likes to say things like "Wow, you were 232 lbs??? That makes me feel good because I never got that fat." Or, "good thing our nephew (he's a male model) didn't get our genes, or he'd be short, fat and ugly." Or, my daughter would be acting mischievous and mess with her older cousins (she's the youngest and the only girl - same way for me) and my ass brother would wait until she did something negative and then he'd look right and me and say "she's just like you."

I know that this is just my brother's low self-esteem coming out. I know that he is just including all of us in his own lack of self-worth. I get it. But, I also have a very difficult time keeping my whip tongue in check. The best I can do is get up and leave.

In years past, starting at about November 1st, I would fret (read eat) about Thanksgiving and Christmas - specifically the 4-8 hours of hell I would have to spend with my brother. I would then spend another 4-6 weeks after the holidays being pissed off (read eating) at whatever new nugget of crap my brother came up with.

So this year I thought I had it handled. I told the ass brother that we may not be in town, which is true, and I told the awesome brother that we would be back in time for Christmas day dinner at my house, which is also true.

But, I do find myself falling into the same mental pattern of - well, if he did come over, here's what I would say to him this year. Maybe I should invite him over and suck it up for a few hours to make it easier on my awesome brother who now has to decide if he wants to spend separate time with my ass brother.

Then the guilt creeps in. This is where I need some of my own verbal tongue lashing. I start allowing the guilt and frustration I feel toward my brother to mess with other parts of my thinking. I start thinking that I don't deserve to get to goal. It's going to take me F-O-R-E-V-E-R. I start making bad food choices because, because, because. I also let it flow into other parts of my life. My work. I start emulating the things that I hear my brother saying in my head.

Urgh.

Tough one. I think we all have someone who triggers those feelings. The important thing to remember is that your mental and emotional health is primary right now. One day you may be able to deal with ass brother without harming yourself (read eating) but it is not right now. Put yourself in a good place without guilt. Do not allow yourself replay those old tapes in your head. You have worked hard and deserve to be able to enjoy the new self esteem.

Sue

Thank you granny. You are right, the old tapes need to go. Time for new tapes that only play my success.

Lashing/advice/tough love:

Avoid the ass. 

The frustration at your brother has nothing to do with you, yourself and your goals/life/accomplishments.. two separate arenas, completely. Put them in their proper boxes and don't look back.

You are falling into seeing "goal" as an end.. you know better, there isn't an end till you kick it, so don't even go there. No timeline, it's just a day by day deal.

I tend to be one that cuts out the poisonous people in my life, family or no. Not in any *****y way, just in a straight-forward "you are not good for my mental/physical health- I choose not to see you if I can help it" way. If I have to be around them, I am.. but I don't engage. If I get poked, I tend to be very direct and ask exactly what they meant by that poke, and why they felt the need to say it, then stare at them until they come up with some response. Practice being a Vulcan in that moment, take the defensive emotions that rear up and set them aside and just see how that works.. That usually makes the pokee very uncomfortable and they sometimes get defensive (don't fall into the trap of fighting back or fantasizing about all the right words that would make him see the error of his ways, it never works like it does in our heads, I've tried too many times.) Just keep staring, then with an off kilter grin, turn around, shake your head and disengage. They quickly learn not to poke again.

You will be labeled a complete ***** but it makes for a saner life when you can put distance in place.

You are so right! I've allowed myself to fall into the mindset of goal being the end. Damnit! Holy geez, how did I let that one get past me? I've been doing this for too long to allow that kind of thinking in.

I wear "*****" proudly. I like the way you deal with the poisonous people. Time to dust off my Vulcan death stare.  

I do okay with just walking out of the room in the middle of his sentence, but when starts in on my daughter, I want to go all karate ***** honey-get-the-bail-money-ready on him.

Yes, I shall feel good about my choice to not see him this year.

Far be it from me to play devil's advocate but let me wade in since I have some experience of this.  I have a sister I don't speak to.  I cut her out of my life after one slight too many.  It's not just me she did stuff to but the whole family. And to be fair she didn't actually do stuff to any of us but birthdays (read big ones) anniversaries, christenings, all the family **** that people have to suck up and do, she didn't do despite insisting that everyone attend hers.  She actually just does what is comfortable for her and doesn't help at all with any of the aging parent stuff.  That's fine, it's her prerogative but I don't have to like it.  She is a ***** with a capitol C and I had toxic thoughts every time I heard her name, I got tired of hearing myself ***** about her, so I cut her out.

Good stuff right?  Except I come from a family and everything is intertwined.  Every time my mother has a glass too many, she cries about her family i.e. her daughters not speaking.  When I'm home I don't stay in my parents house because i don't feel that my sister should have to not visit her parents (like she ever does) because I'm there. (to be fair, i prefer hotels, she just gives me cover) My other sisters envy me and wish they'd been brave enough to do it, since they have little to no relationship with her and are understandably resentful that she doesn't shoulder any of the load. 

Except when i do go home and spend time with my other sisters kids, i know they tell my sisters kids, and those kids don't understand why they have an aunt they've never met.  I will never speak with my sister, having her out of my life was all unicorns and rainbows until i think of her kids, who will not know me and I will not know.  Until I think that I go home for Thanksgiving (a holiday which means nothing to my family) instead of Christmas so as not to cause an uncomfortable situation for all and have a situation where people have to take sides and when my mother was ill had to draw lines through another sister, in terms of schedules she would have to adhere to , to see her mother, since i didn't want to run into her. (She didn't ever show up for her times, par for the course but according to my mother it was not the daughter who had traveled 6,000 miles to take care of her who was the sinned against one but the daughter who felt she couldn't some to the house because she would feel uncomfortable and who everyone had an ax to grind with.  I do suppose it is the role of the mother to take greater care of the one of the litter they feel is on the outside, after all the rest of us have each other.

The thing is, family is hard but I have come to the conclusion that i should have just found a way to deal with my feelings for her in my head and not create a situation that is bigger for everyone, than i will ever feel about her.  And yes her kids.  That one isn't easy to reconcile. Her husbands family has cut her out too.  She didn't go to his father's funeral because it was raining. He'd been in her life for 20 years. Yeah, capitol C. Pros and Cons, with family it's never one or the other.

Yes, family lines are definitely grayer. I hope I can deal with him some day.

I haven't cut him off completely, yet.

I know my brother's children. Both adults. Both live at home. One has Down's so she will always live at home. The stories I could tell. Honestly, I don't know if my life is better knowing them - or the other way around. That's a mean thing for me to admit, but it's honestly how I feel.

For now, I need to keep him out of my thoughts. Out of my house. Out of my life.

Kids are off limits, always. Frankly, if he decides to pull the demeaning bs on your kids I'd loudly (enough so everyone could hear) directly tell him that if he wants to take jabs at someone, stick to the adults in the room, but picking on children is not going to be tolerated. Followed by a verbal WTF is wrong with you that you feel it necessary to demean children anyhow?! 

Sorry, but that **** is damaging. I don't blame you for getting all mother hen on his ass if he pulls that. Best to just avoid as much as humanly possible.

Ugh. There's a reason my friends are family.. and family just is.

Let me also say because i can't seem to edit that since we're getting older i do wonder what would happen if she got cancer, or one of her kids died.  I would be fine with doing nothing, i think but it would destroy my relationship with my mother and maybe even others in my family, no one would understand it but from my perspective i feel that becoming present because of some disaster that i couldn't prevent would simply be lip service (she now has no interest in a relationship with me, in fact she told my mother we never  had  relationship anyhow, so what was the big deal) and hypocritical since i sincerely have no relationship with her but like i said the intertwining just goes on and on and on.  Even my sisters who despise her would have a very hard time with my not reaching out in such a situation but i know that doing so would be impossible for me to do so, so however you look at it a land mine would be thrown in my life. I have tried to explain to my mother that this is not about holding grudges, it is about me "going off people" and not wanting the toxic element in my life.  she fails to see it.  Who does see it when it through the eyes that gave birth, but i also am fine with her not understanding it, just respecting that it's my stance.  Not so much on that either.  All I'm saying is that you have to weigh is it worth it in the long run? I didn't see my sister much either maybe once a year, she didn't always show up when i visited home and I'm not so sure that it was worth the stance i took in terms of it's toll on other.  I just didn't look at anything except how it was going to be better for me.

The internal tapes change but they never go away, they exist in a DNA manner when it's family.

Edelu, is it possible your ***** sister has a personality disorder?

Slimpickins ... the holidays are hairy. Don't compromise yourself because one of your bros is an ********tay away from him and try to let yourself off the emotional hook. Be nice to yourself. Siblings know exactly what to say to set us off because they know intimately how we tick, and when they use this power for evil, it's really evil. No need for bold gestures, just do what you have to in order to enjoy your holiday on your terms. But your a-hole bro can also be a guidepost for you in terms of your emotional progress. The stronger you become within yourself, the less his assholism will affect you. And, as it was already pointed out, he might even shut up once he realizes you don't take him seriously anymore. This can take a while but it's possible.