I really don't want to abuse this forum, but..... (really loooong)

Those of you who know me already know that I have not had the VSG yet.  Per the doctor's scales, I am three pounds away from being eligible.

I've been a member of OH for almost 2 years and visiting longer than that.  I have already decided that, after I have my surgery, I will prefer to have any important questions answered by the vets here.   I want to follow in the footsteps of those who have been successful and know that this maintenance forum is my best resource.


Now, to the point of my Subject Line:

My hope is that when I am finally sleeved, I will not pepper this board with questions that I could have answered just by reading a couple of days worth of postings on the main VSG board (you can roll your eyes now if you have a feeling that I might not stick to that ). 

I don't want to abuse the good will, friendship, patience, and willingness of those here to help me even though I am not anywhere near maintenance.  Today, however, I had a really bad eating day.  It was so bad that I really started second guessing myself and my expectations of success post surgery and on into maintenance.  The one thing that I have tried to encourage myself with is that surely someone in my VSG Maintenance family must have experienced the same thing pre-op.  I'll give you an idea of how my day went, then I am hoping someone out here has experienced something similar or is at least familiar with it and can offer some advice or hope. 

My worry is that if I can screw up this bad beforehand, what is to stop me from doing it later?

I started out with low blood sugar this morning so was shaky going to work and starting to feel a little confusion.  When your blood sugar is really low, it is hard sometimes to just eat a little and then wait until you feel better.  The urge is to eat something sugary and not stop eating until you finally start feeling better.  Unfortunately you can consume way more food than you need during this time.  In this case, I ate a very large blueberry muffin, a large biscuit and 2 fried eggs.

OK.  That was bad.  I logged it onto MyFitnessPal so I could be accountable.  I was pissed at myself because that already was around 800 calories which was just about a whole days allotment of food.  I usually try to stay around 1000 - 1200 for the whole day.

8 hours later I started feeling anxious or shaky.  I'm not sure which but it was compounded by what I am certain was a horrible anxiety attack rather than low blood sugar.  When I feel really bad, I have tried to temporarily override the bad feeling with the good feeling of something tasty.  That is an issue/behavior I have worked on changing but today I felt like if someone touched me, that I would break into a thousand pieces.  I couldn't stand it.  The anxiety (which had a specific cause that I couldn't do anything about) was so bad that I knew it wouldn't let up for a long time. 

I went to Wendy's and ate a small chili and a small fry thinking that might help.  Nope.  The screaming in my head would not go away.  Then I get pissed at myself.  I am going to make the screaming go away and simultaneously punish myself by getting a cup of premium ice cream from Brusters.  Cake Batter.   It wasn't as good as their Red Velvet Cake Batter ice cream.  I wondered to myself if the flavoring was chemical based as I wasn't quite as settled down/satisfied as I thought I would be.  Since it didn't taste that good I kept eating it, trying to figure out why it didn't taste as good as I expected.  It never got any better, even when I finished the last bite.

Now I am really ticked at myself and decide that I am going to revert to something I haven't done in a long, long time.  I decide to eat MORE and then purge, vomit, puke, etc.

I have to stop at the pharmacy, so while I'm there I pick up a pre-packaged bowl of Fruit Loops.  Then I go home, pour some milk, sugar and Splenda (cause I don't want too much sugar, right).  I eat that.  Then I eat about a half cup of Chex Mix honey nut.  With milk.  You have to have plenty of liquid with what you eat so you can throw it up more easily.  Then I look around to see if there is anything else I should eat because I know that if I don't eat it now before I throw it up, that I'll end up eating it later and throwing up again.

FYI, I live with my parents and those are things that they eat.  I usually abstain from those foods, but not today.

Now I throw up as much as I can of everything.  Finally, I brush my teeth and tongue, then take some Aleve in the hopes that I won't wake up feeling like I have a hangover as I usually do after a huge bing.

I have stripped myself naked before you all.  Almost no one I know has any idea of my binging and purging, particularly in this great detail.  You here know things about me, not just this, that my own family does not know.

Was it this way for any of you before you had your surgery? 

If it was this way, how did you manage the horribly, horribly bad feelings after surgery?

Do you still feel this way in maintenance, and how do you handle it now?

I am terrified of having the sleeve and failing utterly, abjectly and miserably.

I'm not that angry at myself right now.  Partly because I threw up.  I got rid of the offending food, but I kind of feel like an alcoholic who stays dry for months on end, but then breaks down and goes on a bender.

I have changed my relationship with food by getting Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  This enabled me to stop my steady gaining and to actually lose a little.  My therapist is great, but is tall, thin and pretty.  I would just like to hear from those I trust (you all) about how you manage your feelings.  I'm sure some of you may have had it worse than me and still were able to suceed.

Thank you for your patience!

Anita

PS:  I am definitely NOT asking for replies like, "Oh, you'll do better tomorrow", or "Everything in moderation."

I want more tools in my toolbelt, or better yet, maybe more weapons and ammo in my flack jacket because I want to go into this fight with something more than a rock and a little stick.  


 

FYI, if you just read the post a minute ago, I said that I was definitely asking for replies like you'll do better tomorrow, etc.  That was a typo!!!  OMG!!!    I was definitely NOT asking for those kind of replies.

Geez, amazing how the exclusion of a three letter word can change the whole tone of things!

Hi Anita, I just wanted you know that I've read your post and am still trying to process a good response to the binge and purge, as I am not a professional or anything. ((((hugs)))))  I hate that you are in such turmoil.  I wish I could do something , or say something to help.

I can answer the other part, where you are worried about abusing the maint board.  The way I see it, is that you outgrew the main VSG board, even though you have not had surgery yet, because you have been reading it for so long.  I personally feel like you will be our honorary newbie, and we will help you along.

I also think that once you actually have the surgery, you will be like a newbie with all of the questions, fears, and freak out attacks as most newbies.  I've seen it before.  We have a support group here in San Antonio that was started by a lady before she had her surgery.  She learned an incredible amount of stuff in the year she ran the support group pre-surgery, yet, after she had surgery, she was a normal newbie, which shocked her.  SHe really felt that she had all the answers and knew most of what to expect, yet t having the reality of the surgery turned out to be a lot different than what she expected.  But, she was surrounded by her friends, the local vets, who helped her along with love.

So, I personally expect you to be a newbie, despite your research, and will be here for you and hope you stick around the maint board.

Thank you so much for your input!  I'm feeling  much better today.  I think that this anxiety had a chemical basis.  I've been noticing over the past few weeks that my anxiety levels have been going up in direct correlation to a change in medication.  I haven't binged and purged in such a long time that the fact I had done it added to the anxiety I was already having.

I  had to smile when I read about the lady who started your support group!  It reminded me of when I had my daughter.  I read every baby book ever published in the last century.  Did a lot of planning, made lists and felt that no one could possibly be as prepared for being a first time mom as I was.  Oh Lord, what a joke on me that was. 

Still, having said that, I really hope that when I do have the surgery that at least some of the things I have learned from all of you will keep me making frantic postings every 5 minutes!

Thank you so much for your friendship and compassion!

Hugs! 

its totally ok to come on this group and ask questions that you think are best directed at veteran sleevers. as our group statement reads, all are welcome here regardless of surgery or pre op status.

I think you need to really prepare yourself mentally for your surgery and for the fact that you will have a lifelong change in how and what you eat. If you binge and purge, I suspect you should continue with your counseling to get that issue resolved. I am not a shrink nor a medical person but binging and purgine after having vsg could be pretty miserable and possibley dangerous and that is behaviour you probably have to get well away from before having surgery.

Surgery profoundly changes you in the way you eat and feel about food. I feel like I was really ready to make a change and move on from eating for all the wrong reasons. I have been very happy with my sleeve and have never looked back. I never really mourned food or missed it. Ilost my appetitie for a time and it was really hard to get in the protein much less eat other junk.

Be aware that a proper sleeve is way more than a rock and a little stick. it is a very powerful tool. it takes willingness on your part to meet the challenge and sometimes make tough but healthy food choices but its way easier than weight loss before the sleeve.

So address your binge /purge issue and get that out of your life and make up your mind that you will do what it takes to make this work. thats the secret. diane

Hi Diane!

Your opinion is always important to me!  I'm having a much better day today.  I've come to the conclusion (as I mentioned in a couple of other replies) that this terrible anxiety attack is directly related to a change in medication.  I've been feeling more anxious in the last few weeks but just kind of ignored it.

I have been getting therapy for quite some time  now and was feeling pretty good about how I was going to manage once I had the surgery, which is why I got so totally freaked out over being freaked out.  I have already planned to continue the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy post surgery as I had a feeling that I would probably go through more food related changes.  You sum up very well that one's relationship with food changes dramatically post surgery.  I have seen this abundantly with pretty much every vet who posts here and hope to emulate the success of everyone here.

I feel kind of bad now, as though I  have kind of cried wolf and done what I did not want to do.  That is a) Post about something that I should have known better about, and b) Post about something that I should have known better about on the Maintenance Board which really is about addressing issues that involve (gasp) maintenance!

Anyway, I appreciate the kindness in which everyone has responded to me.

Thanks again!

Iam on the ipad and cant type a long response, but inalso have those anxiety spells you are talking about, when i go into robot mode looking for cookies. I am now on anxiety meds, xanax, and i take it evenly spaced through the day. It was especially bad right after surgery, like an alcoholic cut off cold turkey. Physically i could not eat, but emotionally i was a wreck. If you can get some help for depression, anxiety and anything else you can work on preop, that will give more ammo in your flack jacket.

Heather

Hi Heather!

I have figured out (and should have see it coming in retrospect) that this terrible anxiety attack was a result of a change in some of my medication.  I used to get awful anxiety attacks all the time and haven't had one in so long that this one took me by surprise and added a different anxiety on top of the initial anxiety.  I do take anxiety meds which have kept me on an even keel a long time.  Today I am feeling much better, with just a little of that anxiety which I am able to take a step back from now and see it for what it is.  When it's a bad attack, it feels like there is electricity just coursing through my body. 

I'm a little embarrassed that I had such a big freakout and then dumped it all on maintenance, but am so full of gratitude that everyone has been so embracing of me.

As I said in my original heading, I really don't want to abuse the good will of this board, considering it really is geared towards maintenance and newbie questions belong on the other board.

I believe that a favor becomes a habit and a habit becomes a demand, so I always try not to take advantage of anyone's good will.

Hugs!

Those are some pretty deep seated issues you have there. I know partly because I was diagnosed with depression right after my daughter was born and have had to fight it ever since.

Your relationship with food sounds a bit like what I went through. Emotional eating, rewarding, denial, basically punishing yourself by purging.... It's all a mental issue. Therapy could be helping but If you're not taking medication for your anxiety yet you may want to look into that. It could help you tremendously after surgery to cope and not have to struggle with mourning those binges.

Speaking from experience, it was easy not to eat after surgery. Food just wasn't a priority because I wasn't hungry. There was a bit of sadness watching others eat what you couldn't but those feelings quickly dissipated because the scale would bring good news every single time you step on it and you definately know that if you did gorge you'd be sicker than you'd ever felt in your life.  I suppose it would only take one time to find that out.

It becomes harder to control after a years time or after your sleeve is healed and you learn that you can eat a bit more than before. That's when you'll need to make sure you're strong mentally in order to stick to plan and not let your emotions rule your weight loss.

But seriously, you'll only know once you've had the surgery. Everyone is different. Some people are stronger at keeping on track than others but it's definately EASIER with this tool.

Be good to yourself. Keep a positive attitude because without that...you've already lost.

Hi Lina!

I appreciate hearing from you and what you went through.  I've been fortunate that I have worked through a lot of my food issues.  Yesterday's anxiety attack was so out of the blue, but now that I've calmed down I was able to put two and two together and realized that this is a complication of a medication change.    I'm actually feeling pretty relieved now.  I feel a little anxious today, but I can manage it because I am recognizing the source.  I do have a therapist and will continue working with her post surgery.

I have struggled with crippling depression and anxiety in the past but it's been under control so long that I was just kind of blindsided yesterday.  I'm so close to my weight goal for elegibility that it's probably a good thing that this happened now rather than after surgery.  It's all going into my "Coping Toolbag" because I am determined to be a success.

Hugs!