just about ready to "throw in the towel"

Hi everyone.  I need to vent to those who understand.  My stats...
pre-op: 233      barely 5'1"
surgery:220      DEXA scan back in October 29.2% body fat @135LBS
today:    138what????  how???

I have NOT lost since last October.  Friday is my official weigh day and yesterday I was up two pounds from two weeks ago.  I just don't understand.  I watch the carbs (try to keep around 40) and eat mostly protein and veggies (at least 70 grams).  I eat five times a day.  I attempted to go back to 800 calories and was sooo darn hungry!

I'm working out like crazy.  Monday/Wednesday:  strength and stretch (1 hour) then zumba (1 hour), Tuesday/Thursday:  cardio kickboxing (45min to 1 hour), Friday:   tae bo (just started for 30 min), and Saturday: zumba (1 hour).  Why can't I lose any more weight??  Even if I don't follow the "plan"  exactly, it's not like I'm shoving donuts and cookies in my mouth!  Plus I'm exercising double the amt of time since December.  I am very depressed and sad about this you guys. 

I appreciate those who have tried to help me (Elina and frisco).  I'm just in tears and can't understand why my body wont let go of this damn weight!!

Thanks for "hearing" me out.
Jennifer

So, for 8.5ish pounds - you are cranking yourself up into very depressed and sad, girlie?

Throw in the towel - what would that look like, friend?  Really?  Splain me what that looks like in your mind.

A story (cuz you know I gotz one! :} )

One BodPod time I weighed 150 (my scale and his),  19% body fat.  Six months later, on his scale I was 156 (mine was 150, but I knew I had some SpringFling **** eating bloat and bowel because Spring Fling was that Saturday and its my day of crap eating). 

I was the same size.  I looked the same to my eyes.

I had gained 8 pounds of muscle, lost 3 pounds of fat, and was 16% body fat.

Nobody could have calculated that for me.  No scientific explaining or formula would have satisfied my wonder like those straight up numbers did.

You look like you are whipping the **** out of yourself with exercise - are you enjoying all that you are doing? Or is this for your ultimate goal? 

Maybe try to take a few months just to chill, focus on a few things that you LIKE but feed yourself well and get some WEST AND WEWAXATION!!

Maybe you are cranking yourself up and your cortisol is cranking out and helping you retain fat.

WHAT IF THIS IS WHERE YOU STAY?  This is a great question because NOW WHAT?

If you 800 yourself down to goal, or liquid yourself down to goal, are you going to 800 yourself and liquid yourself to stay there? 

Do you have the opportunity to dexa again, or bodpod? 

I wish for you that you could make some time to settle into your body and what it HAS DONE.  This isnt being complacent - it's just getting your balance again.  You have been frazzled for a while about this girlie, and maybe its kinda like getting pregnant, when you are cranked up about it, it doesnt happen, but when you go on vacation - BAM!

Please lets try and find some ways so you can soothe your frazzled edges and get some balance back, and maybe focus on things that make your SOUL joyous.  Still have movement that is good and purposeful for your body, but honey.. for you and your family and your sanity, please breathe in and out!

You deserve a bit of peace!!

Brandilynn, I sincerely want you to know that you are such a blessing to this board and I am grateful you're back!  I honestly had tears in my eyes reading your response.  I just feel so defeated.  When I had the DEXA scan I just about drove my hubby over the edge with needing to be 115 (cause gosh, I'm only 5'1" right?).  BUT the scan told me it wasn't a reality for me.  Still, I had a hard time getting over the stupid number.  Now that in my mind I'm ok with 125...I can't seem to get there!

Why is a number so important to me?  Silly I know this.  My therapist asked me if I thought I'd be happy once I got to 125.  Of course you already know the answer....no.  Sure I think that would make me all giddy and pleased with myself by alas, it just aint so.  Sigh.

Two things I want to mention.  I bought the cognitive therapy book you suggested long ago but have not made it past chapter one (five kids ya know.  I'm lucky to read anything besides Dr Seuss :))  and I now own Chalean extreme.  I'm trying to determine what fitness class I can drop to fit her program into my schedule. 

Also, my ticker is wrong.  I'm actually 13 pounds from goal but no way will I change it to go in the wrong direction!

Jennifer

You have already gotten food responses and I know will get more - and here is the only thing I have to add about that girlie.

You are incredibly WILLING to go thru a lot of physical exercise to get to where you want.  You can say your nut didnt encourage logging, or you did it for a minute, or you are confused, but the bottom line is, you, at this point, are not WILLING to do it, it seems.  THAT IS OKAY!!  You get to decide things for yourself!!  Many folks dont log and maintain fine.  Folks who log can tell you all day long the reasons why it is for them, but if its not for you - just say you arent willing.  You get to choose!

I honestly dont have a clue how anyone could tell anyone else the calories they should be eating (you know, this far out from surgery and with exercising), or HOW.  I cant function well on all the carbs that a typical nut would have me eat, so folks can throw statistics at me all day long, but I know what my body runs best on - and that was from being an experiment of one. 

**

The thing I wonder is, if you are willing to add/change a focus. You said it drove your husband crazy and you sunk into a funk because 115 was off your plate, and now you have another focus that is an outcome.

Maybe consider reframing what success is?  Perhaps success could be behaviors (whatever with eating, or taking 5 minutes a day to read a helpful book, etc) instead of outcomes (what you will weigh) ? 

You can control your behaviors.  You cannot control when the outcomes will happen. 

***

re: confusion - sometimes when folks hang around a board they fall into group think and instead of actually taking account of where THEY are and what they NEED, they absorb other folks' information into theirs and it becomes confusing.  If 75 people give you different information, more carbs, less carbs, more cals, less cals, more cardio, less cardio -

Who is best for you to put your faith in?  None of us have measured your body composition girlie.  We cant *know* what is or isnt best for your, how your body runs. I really wish for you that you could/would have another composition test, so you could see where you were and move forward from there with fact based information. 

***

I wish you some peace girlie, somehow, and I dont think that its just going to come with a size.  IT SURE MIGHT CUZ I AM NOT ALL KNOWING!! ****ty days are ****ty days, no matter what your pants size.  Losing loved ones, having the car blow up, not having enough money to make bills and get the extras you would like all suck mightily, and it doesnt matter if you are a size X or X.

Sometimes we put so much emphasis on X weight or X size - but it wasnt going to be the thing that "saved" us from being lonely, from not feeling like our voice is heard, from feeling overwhelmed, from feeling unimportant, from feeling powerless. 

Its just life girlie.  Its really nice to not have our weight to flog ourselves about, but IF WE ARE IN THE HABIT OF SELF FLAGELLATION our weight will be replaced by something else.  The skin, our relationship, grey hair, faces have more wrinkles. 

This isnt me saying not to strive for a goal, this is me saying maybe learning how to appreciate the amazing stuff you HAVE done, and giving yourself a little room to breathe and not look at everything while you feel panicked and pressured is a really good place to start? 

Peace babygirl. You deserve you some!

Brandilyn, Can I say that I love you?? You are such a voice of reason and reassurance that I just want to give you big hug!!!! You are spot on with all of your comments.





gail

Amen

And this one more thing - cuz I dont want it lost in the sea of my other words :}

Very often, the traits that work VERY WELL for us in other areas of our life dont translate as well.  If a trait (like focusing on the weight itself, say) isnt helping you and is only driving you insane, maybe consider dropping it for a more useful habit/trait?

Like folks who fuss that getting on the scale every day makes them insane, but they wont stay off of it.  They have a choice, keep frustrating themselves (and then one day go thru the serious let down of the scale not moving and it ought not, cuz you are at maintenance, BUT WAIT - lets get caught up in group think and think just 15 more pounds down and THEN we can be happy, cuz remember when we were 200 something and 15 pounds could be gone in a few weeks and how happy we were then!?!)

or they can choose to weigh less often, OR they can choose to change their REACTION to their weight.  Its nothing but a number.  Its not a moral compass, its not a judgement of your character, it only reflects the mass of your body and what is in your bowels, or cells if you have had a carby-retain water day or a sodium laden retain water day.

We *get* to choose the stuff we hold in high esteem.

I hold your want to get to "the end" in high esteem girlie, but mostly, even when you hit X number, its just SOSDD for the most of us.  It really, really is.

*squeeze*

Hopefully the melatonin has kicked in and I can go sleep without the swirly head :}

You are loved.  You will get there.  Be a good friend and find some balance before you rehaul the whole gig, wontcha? 

Muwah.

At this point in time, it is surprising that you can exercise like you are, and survive on so few carbs. Your protein could be higher than 70. You may be building more lean body mass. It would be interesting to see what your body fat might be, at this point in time. I'm not sure trying to survive on 800 cal/day is a good idea, since you are exercising so much. Early out, it may work, but at this point, some hunger has returned and you need to fuel your workouts.  Have you shown your food log to a dietitian for feedback and suggestions? How many cal/day are you eating? Do you feel like you have firmed up? Have you lost inches?

gail

Hi Gail.  I would love to have another DEXA to see if there have been changes since October.  I'm quite sure there would HAVE to be!  I walked/ran on the treadmill from March-September 30 min/day 5 days/week.  Wanting to lose the last pounds I knew I had to change things up that's when I started doing the above (except tae bo which I just started yesterday).  It just makes absolutely no sense that the pounds aren't melting off.  Maybe I live a dream world.

I haven't seen my dietitian since December.  Maybe not a bad idea to visit soon. 

I have really never counted calories during this entire process.  Maybe for just a "minute" but not daily.  I've basically monitored protein and carbs only.  Actually my dietitian told me not to worry about counting cal as long as I stayed within the appropriate amt of carbs.  IDK.  I'm so confused.

The other thing I have failed to do is measure.  Never have.  Dumb I know.  But, my clothes don't feel any different.  The number on the scale wouldn't bother me so much if my clothes seemed looser.  What gives?  It's like I'm doing all this dang working out for nothing!

Thanks for your help.

Jennifer

Early on, counting protein and carbs makes sense, but now, I would get on an online tracker and log your food intake, so that you can get a realistic idea of how much you are eating. Once you know how much you are taking in, it may be easier to make adjustments. I'm going against the grain, but 800 cal/day at this point in time and with the amount of exercise that you are doing, doesn't seem realistic to me. I couldn't survive on 800 cal/day right now, nor would I want to. Knowing how many calories/day you are eating will give a baseline and a frame of reference. You'll know how much to cut. Even protein foods can contain a lot of calories. It still does boil down to "calories in, calories out." Carbs do count, but if they are coming from veggies, some dairy, and a little fruit, it might not hurt you. Just depends on how carb sensitive you are.

Change up your strength routine. Are you rotating the type of workouts that you doing? Are you doing cycles of light weights for a few weeks, then a cycle of heavy weights? Try replacing one of your cardio workouts with a Spin Class, which uses interval training or any other type of interval training exercise. Interval training helps to burn fat. Maybe, the Chalean would be a good workout and a good change.

Are your strength workouts part of a class? If so, maybe the weights aren't changing, so you body is used to the routine and doesn't have to work as hard. It is harder to lose, the further down that get in weight. There is less of a calorie deficit.

Also, is your thyroid okay? TSH 3.0 or less?

Can you have a consultation with a trainer for some suggestions and a plan of how to mix things up?

Just a few ideas. My trainer always says, to work smarter, not necessarily harder. I am a firm believer in weight training. It has really helped me. I'm not sure that I would be where I am today, without it.

Also, excess skin weighs something and might may be part of this equation. 29% body fat is getting close to normal range. You may just have more muscle than you think. Try keeping track of some measurements.

Take Care,

Gail