What do you do when you see a newbie on a failure course?

I wonder what the average age is of those who fail? After a long battle with food & weight problems, I saw surgery as my last chance to finally gain control. I knew my battle was no longer a matter of losing weight, but of losing it and keeping it off which I knew would require some lifestyle changes. I do have a bite of certain foods occasionally and I eat more calories than I like, but they are all low carb foods. The further out I am, the stronger the appeal is to my "off limit" foods. I know some don't think anything should be off limits because it sets you up for failure, but allowing occasional treats always led to more & more, hence the weight gain. Now back to my original thought, I know some have had surgery in their 20's. Remember how invincible you felt in your 20-30's? I hope they succeed with their choices, but I bet most of us would agree that we can eat more food the further out we are than in the beginning. Just keep encouraging those who want to listen and hope the others have success!

I bet there's more than a bit of truth to that... there's people with life experience who have run full on into their brick wall, saying, "this better work or it's bust".  And there's less experienced people that sometimes look at it and think "this seems pretty easy".  I'll have to think about this.  Thanks for your input.

It's an interesting thought, but honestly I see this attitude spread through every age group.

I think it's like drug addicts. You can't save them if they don't want to be saved.

When I decided to have weight loss surgery, I was at the end of my rope. I didn't know what else to do. Over the years, I had been a virtual yo-yo and had tried every type of food plan and program out there. The past 4-5 years prior to surgery I had put on so much weight that I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror. My PCP is the one suggested surgery to me. I was more afraid of the health issues that I was developing than of the surgery itself.

When I started reading about WLS, I was like a sponge and read the posts of the vets and people who had maintained their weight loss. What I found out, is that when people stopped tracking their food, stopped exercising, allowed old habits and foods back into their lives, stopped going to support groups, or weighing themselves, the weight came back on. I vowed to myself that I would follow medical advice and continue to practice the habits and behaviors that enabled me to lose 100% and more of my excess weight. I follow the guidelines of the National Weight Control Registry of people who have maintained a significant weight loss for several years.

Now, when I read some of the posts, I just go on by, because many people are not ready to hear what hard work it takes to maintain the weight loss. People are in various stages of readiness and some will regain. The statistics bear this out.

I don't try to rescue people. If they ask, I will tell them, but most of time people's eyes just glaze over, when I tell them about logging my food, exercise (including weight training), attending support groups, frequent weighing, etc. I see this in the support group that I attend and on this website.

Basically, this is a boundary issue. You can only save yourself. Anything else is a distraction. Like you said, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink." My Bariatric Internist also said the same thing. You can not sway people. If they ask, then volunteer the information. Otherwise, you are beating a dead horse, because people are not ready to hear that this is truly a lifestyle change and means letting go of old habits and behaviors. We need to develop other passions and interests, besides food. I think this is where you see people entering races, marathons, triathalons, etc. and developing a life outside of food.

I don't feel bad for them, because I work in the health care field and see people everyday who don't really want to do the work to get better. It is the same thing with WLS. I can only help myself, although, many of the vets were helpful and inspirational, when I asked for their help and assistance along the way. If people ask you, you can volunteer the information, but preaching doesn't work.

I have found that I skim the VSG forum, but mostly hang out on the Lightweights forum, Plastics forum (new for me) and this group. The VSG and Main forums have too much drama and hysteria for me.

Gail

Thanks for this, Gail.

Your heart is in the right place and everything is so new for you that you want everyone to "get it." Unfortunately, not everyone is in the right place to "get it." Sometimes, I want to tell everyone what a wonderful gift WLS has been, but I only volunteer the information, if they ask. It is such a personal decision and journey. Each person has to find their way, but I also gleaned and received a lot of support from vets. I was ready to receive it and really heard what they were saying and doing.

gail

Welcome to the maintenance group Ruggie. Its a good idea to start reading stuff here as you near goal because your next project is maintenance and its for the rest of your life. Lots of good info here.

As for your question about new sleevers that apppear headed for a trainwreck, congrats on that too - it seems to be one of the steps we all go through when having success which is concern and empathy for those who appear poised  for failure.

You are right that there are people who have not accepted the idea that they must make a profound change in their relationship with food. Some get this pre op; some during weight loss and some maybe never. Its why I always emphasize that while you maybe able to eat a piece of candy 8 weeks out, its the habit of reaching for candy that you have to ditch as at two years you will be able to eat pretty much anything and greater amounts than at 8 weeks so you have to build the habit of passing that stuff most of the time. You gotta learn to see a movie without popcorn!

So you have figured out that all you can do is tell the truth in a kind way and you can't save people who don't want to change. But keep in mind for every person who ignors your thoughtful advice there is also one *****ads and benefits from it. I can't begin to express how much help I got here on OH with these issues when I was a pre op looking for info. Priceless. So don't hesitate to respond honestly to questions you feel able to answer. You  are someone's hero for it even though you may not know it. 

And you write fun posts so glad to have you here in the maintenance group. Can't wait to hear when you hit your goal. 

Diane

Diane -

I find your post to be bittersweet - it makes me happy and sad at the same time.  You're right... and I'm silly in a way.  I say that because I've learned a looooooooong time ago in life that you can only help those who want it.  I've learned that with adult responsibilities, children, drugs, alcohol, etc. etc.  For all those "other" things I wouldn't blink twice if someone wasn't ready yet to accept help to get them out of a bad situation.  

But there's something about being obese.... I've suffered my entire life from it, even before being an adult, and I think that makes the pain so fresh and raw for me that it 'bleeds through' my ability to rationalize and makes me want to prevent others from what I've gone through.  Recently, I start my days boggling that I'm under 180 pounds.  I accepted a loooooong time ago that I would never be under 200 pounds ever in my life.  And yet.... somehow I now stand here, wearing a large-sized shirt and 34-waist jeans.  It's almost like magic.  It's like the surgery finally allowed my determination to work after all those other failed attempts.  It's like I was on Death Row and have received the govenor's pardon.  It's such a cause for joy that I want to share it with others so much - and that... I've just realized, is why it hurts me a bit when I see someone still on a self-destructive course after surgery.  

Thanks for taking the time to post.  It's really helped me quite a bit.  I'm thankful for your message.  I'm also thankful for Frisco and Elina who have spoken to me quite a bit on this subject as well.

Ruggie

Its so heartening so hear that there are still people in the world that care about others and "feel their pain". I think its something special about having been overweight all our lives as I was also an overweight child. It really does some things to your personality and some are not good but it does make one empathetic. I too had given up on ever being normal weight and probably would have done nothing except that health problems began and I started watching shows like Big Medicine and one day saw a Lapsf ad for a seminar.

Its natural to want to share a good thing. I see morbidly obese people everyday and wish I could just go up to them and say "hey, you don't have to live with this". I did get my brother to look into it and also my husband after two years but there are so many out there who suffer.

So please keep answering people's posts. You do more good than you might realize by responding.  

Diane

Diane makes such a good point here--I do believe your posts are helping people. But for every one or two *****ad what you say and contemplate and perhaps act on your words, there will often be more *****act negatively and possibly make you feel badly. And there are probably MANY quiet readers who may be encouraged -- or who may disagree with what you say now...but it's going into their brains and awareness to be dealt with later, perhaps months or years in the future--and that is ALL to the good.

So what I was trying to suggest earlier (very uneloquently) is that you make your suggestions  only when it works for YOU to do so--that is, when you're feeling strong and able to deal with any negative responses or whatever.. I really FELT your frustration, and I hate to see that... It's a very good and strong thing you do to put yourself out there, but I've just seen people get so frustrated that they end up leaving (and thereby deprive themselves of the enormous support this board can offer)...and your leaving would not be a good thing for you or us!

L.