Why is it so hard to accept compliments?

Seems like all my life anytime I received a compliment I never believed it to be true.  I guess I felt unworthy of attention or praise so I always deflected the compliment by pointing out something negative.  You know like "nice haircut" then I would say "it's a little too short for my tastes".   You get the idea.........

Now even though I am at goal and at a 'normal weight' whenever I receive a compliment I find myself saying something negative to counteract it.   My head hasn't changed even though my body has!

For example, today a female co-worker said to me privately "you have lost so much weight that I bet you will be rocking a bikini at the beach this summer!"   I know she meant it as a sincere  compliment, but I had to respond with a negative comment.   My reply was "Oh no, I have too much belly flab for that!"  

Why did I do that???  I had said it before I could stop myself.  It's such a habit with me after all these years of feeling unworthy of compliments.   I should have just politely said "Thank you" and went about my business!

I am really going to be more conscious of this BAD HABIT and just say "Thanks" and be proud of any compliments I get.   Has anyone else done this?

~Helen~

I think that most people that have been put down for most of their lives are the same way, myself included. The only way to get over this is to force yourself to accept the compliment. For me, I had to "tell" myself that I would accept a compliment no matter what, because what started happening to me is that people would take my negativity as me "not believing them" and as a put-down.

This has to do with my history of emotional neglect and abuse from family/men in my lives. I realize now that I have never had a healthy relationship. Every man I have ever had in my life was full of criticism and put-downs, it became a coping mechanism to put myself down first before anyone else could - to minimize my hurt.

If a person is being sincere (a safe person) you HAVE to force yourself to accept it. A simple "Thanks" will do at first. You don't have to mentally "accept" the compliment, but need to verbally accept someone's "gift" of words to you. Otherwise, you will begin to lose the positive support that we all so desperately need!

After time, and when you are ready, you can begin to change the negative that your head is saying. After getting used to saying "thanks" tell yourself - I deserve a compliment. I worked hard. I am DESERVING. I earned this. After awhile, you will not be so negative with yourself, and begin to believe the compliments. Once you believe them - you will be able to say more than "thanks", and elaborate on how you agree with the compliment and it will become a supportive and bonding moment.

Only once you begin to heal and stop being so negative with yourself will you begin to see the toxic people and negativity around you to actually do something about it. You will find that you can stand up to it and defend yourself. But, as I said until you get healthy you won't see the negativity.

I firmly believe that people that are raised in healthy environments and given the proper amount of love and support do NOT have low self esteems that create this negative thinking pattern. This behavior goes way deeper than a simple - why can't I accept compliments, IMO.

Another reason you may have issues accepting compliments related to weight loss may be guilt you are feeling for having the sugery itself. Maybe you think you took the easy way out & don't deserve compliments. Maybe someone has been negative regarding the surgery, so you feel strange taking credit for something you feel was an easy way out, when in fact it was NOT an easy way out.

We worked really hard to get the surgery. Appointments, insurance, money, time, going back and forth, convincing family/friends, etc. We don't get it because we simply don't feel like trying the next diet. We get it because we've tried everything for years & it hasn't worked. The surgery saved our lives & put us back on level playing ground with the rest of the world - just like a deaf person would have an implant, or someone who can't see gets glasses. Would you put down these people? Then don't put yourself down either. You deserve it, you worked for it, it was unconventional, yes - but VERY hard work.

Look a bit deeper to why you can't accept a compliment, and there in lies the answer :)

What a thoughtful and heartfelt response. **Like**

For me a certain uneasiness with compliments is a function of values  -- humility and modesty in particular.   I'm very proud of what I've accomplished in my life; however, I had a lot of help and good fortune that's made it possible.  I try to keep that in mind at all times. I have a certain amount of natural arrogance, and some hard life lessons have taught me that pride does indeed goeth before a fall.

I think it's important to be gracious when complimented; however, I still believe humility and modesty are virtues. 

I do not believe that accepting a compliment means that you are not humble; or that you lack proper virtues.

Saying "thank you" to a compliment IS accepting it with grace.

The fact that she has issues accepting compliments by default shows that she is not aarogant. She feels bad about the compliment, like she does not deserve it. I think this is completely different than what you are talking about.

Just my opinion, but you know what they say about opinions~

 I think the OP hit the nail on the head...Its a HABIT.. just like any other HABIT you need to unlearn it. It just takes PRACTiCE! Keep just saying Thank you! Eventually it will become your NEW HABIT! It takes a long time to create new pathways in the brain when the old ones are so nice and deeply set!

Just keep building and working out your THANK YOU mucsle...see how strong it gets!

Isnt it great that you recognize this behavior and want to change it! Good for you!

 

I appreciate all the responses.  You all make good points and have given me much food for thought.

Thanks,
~Helen~

Many of us have these issues as we had poor body image and poor self image for so long. But you are right its a habit that you can change. Look in the mirror and practice saying "Thank you. I am pretty happy with the change too".   Its sincere and true and not gloating or arrogant which we don't want to sound like we are doing.   

You have every right to be proud of this accomplishment and it denegrates both you and the other person to make a self deprecating remark. Thinking of it this way may help you respond more joyfully to complements that you deserve!!!     Diane