He's going...

My husband announced last night that he's leaving me. He says I'm not the same anymore and that we just shouldn't be together. I spent last night begging and pleading with him, trying to convince him that I still love him. It's been going on since about last April. He thought I was having an affair, he's accused me of seeing about 6 of his friends. He's accused me of having sex with 2 of my girlfriends. He gets angry if I don't touch him enough... this is what set it off last night. I had cheese (shredded cheddar) on my hands (making dinner) and he came up and tried to hug me. I didn't hug him back as I HAD CHEESE ON MY HANDS and he was just out of the shower. He took it as a "slap in the face". Says I should have just grabbed him and hugged him back. This morning, he's not speaking to me. I ran out the door after him as he was leaving for work and tried to hug him. He just stood there with his arms hanging at his sides and then told me to get off of him. He left without saying another word.

I don't know what to do to convince him that this is still me. I love him. I want him. I need him. We've been together for 11 years!! I am not seeing anyone else. I just want things to be back to normal. He's so insecure now!!

I don't want him to leave me, but I think he's going to. What am I going to do? This is horrible.

(((hugs))) 

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, J.  Do you have a counselor or a pastor with whom you can talk about this?  Please take good care of yourself.
--Dorothy

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I really hope that you find someone today to talk this through with like a therapist, a counselor, a pastor.  The truth is, what you are describing is abusive and destructive and you have no control over his actions at all.  This is not about you and although it effects you greatly, you might not have anything you can really do to stop this from happening.  This is not normal behavior on his part and you can't go on living like this and walking on egg shells the rest of your life.  This either needs to get fixed, by him, or he is right, you need to rethink your future.  So on that sad note, have you considered talking to a divorce lawyer?  Protect yourself and your rights.  Again, I am really, really sorry that this is happening to you.  You are not at fault, it's all him.

Thanks... I'm seeing my therapist on Wednesday. I know it's not my fault. I know I'm doing nothing wrong, but I've never seen him like this. I've never seem him so insecure.

He was my hero. He was the guy who loved me no matter thin or fat. Now I see that he actually loved me BECAUSE I was fat and there was (in his eyes) no chance that I'd ever leave him. Now that I'm thin, it's an issue.

This is the ****tiest holiday season ever. Lost my dad, now I'm losing my husband. Oh... and my son (the artist) is joining the Army. WTF?

That's enough of my own little pity party... it just feels horrible and I needed to vent. Thanks to all for listening.

so sorry to hear about this.  keep your head high and remember you have our support. 

I think you can only suggest marriage counseling to him, and see if he is prepared to fight for it.. if not then do it for you...  sorry that your going through this...

*hugs*  So sorry this is happening to you.  I think couples counseling could help.  Or at least clear some things up so you can live normally again.  I know this hurts and I wish there was something we could do to help.

Hang in there.  

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some words of wisdom or a magic wand...all I can say is I hope that no matter what happens you put yourself first. Having surgery and losing the weight is an important first step in lifelong taking care of yourself. Continue to do this and I know you will thrive no matter what!

I am so sorry things have gone this way, but it sounds like you're seeing things for what they really are.  Ask yourself, is this the kind of person I need?  Always accusing, always treating me like dirt?  I'm sorry if that sounds harsh... all I can do is promise you that while it hurts like hell now, in the end I'm sure you'll realize he's doing you a favor.   Change sucks, and it's always hard, but sometimes it's for the best.

I'm so sorry to hear you are having this happen to you.  Ask him to attend counseling with you.  If he isn't willing to work at making it work, then your hands are tied. 

I think this kind of thing is quite common after someone has WLS.  Maybe what you said is really what happens.  Obesity gives them a sense of security that they won't lose their mate.  Do what you can to show him that you love him.  Pay attention to what he says, respond to his hugs...whatever it takes.  He might just be testing  you.  After all, he went from hugging you to saying he wants a divorce in an instant.  We change so much in how we carry ourselves after weight loss.  Maybe the men interpret this as showing off our bodies to other men.  Men really do look at things differently than we women. 

((((((hugs)))))))