Help - relationship advice!!

Long story short ... with my husband 17 years ... last 10 years houses, kids etc (oh and the weight thing).

I spent a great deal of time feeling so grateful that this wonderful guy loved me (how could anyone possibly love such a fat loser??) and I overlooked all of his bad points. Secretly I think he felt so much more secure with me overweight. I was so rapt up in my depression and obesity etc that he was my knight in shining armour that took care of things.

Fast forward 2 years post op and clearly I am a new person now with a whole new outlook on my self worth and life etc etc - so how do I now deal with the fact that my husband doesn't make he happy.

He is a lovely guy and everyone thinks he is the bees knees but I am the one that lives with the reality behind closed doors which is a very controlling and angry man who doesn't have a spontaneous bone in his body. It's taken me a really long time to figure out that I haven't been in love with him forever but life can take on a 'holding pattern' kind of feel at times. The way I feel now is that I am married to my father.

Is it wrong to want more - I am just the skinny ***** that now wants a hotter version - was the relationship always dysfunctional but I couldn't see the wood for the trees?? Is it just the way marriage is?? How would my kids cope etc etc.

Any words of advice would be fantastic - topics like this sometimes need an audience that don't know ya!!

I've also been married for 17 years. Love my husband dearly, but he is certainly not perfect. Being 'controlling' isn't always a choice. Sometimes it's a matter of family survival when our partner's go off the rails emotionally. Depression, addiction, etc., are as hard on partners as the person suffering from the problem. As much as someone may change, however, he or she has to remember that the spouse had to deal with us and our issues for a long time and their feelings of anger, hurt, abandonment aren't going to resolve overnight.

So, you spent years wrapped up in depression and obesity and you wonder why your husband might be a bit controlling and angry? Did he have to be controlling to hold the house together? It probably wasn't a choice, right? Someone had to make sure the trains ran on time for your kids, etc. Someone had to be the 'adult.'

It's probably not a matter of him being insecure rather not being able to reconcile the 'you' that feels good and is focusing on 'healthy' choices as being 'better' than the 'you' who was focused on being miserable. If you aren't any more emotionally available to him skinny and feeling better about yourself than when you were fat, and depressed, how do you expect him to react?

'Being in love' with someone is a choice. Romance is the easy part -- you can rekindle that in both directions if you decide to work at it.

That is an excellent but really complex post/topic.  I have been married 28 years.  To start with, yes, I still love him.  I don't let him away with crap anymore, like criticizing what I wear or what I say.  I too believe that he in some ways he was happier when I was heavy as he got away with murder, going out with the boys, mostly, and taking advantage of the fact that I didn't want to go out (way more to it than that, but I'll leave it there - he is/was faithful without a doubt).

I think that most of us DO change, not always for the better, but change nonetheless.  I am way more confident (probably more flirty, not proud of it, but it is what it is).

I know I'm all over the place in this post, but my mind keeps taking me in different directions so a few thoughts in point form may be easier.

-You deserve happiness with or without him, but think it over very carefully before you make a life altering decision.
-He deserves happiness as well, and you have to remember that he has loved you literally through thick and thin.
-You should probably get some marriage counseling to at least give it a chance, you never know what could happen and you don't want to throw away all those years without at least trying.
-Your kids will get over it, but it may come at a cost.  I don't know how old they are, but my parents split when I was 30, it was very difficult then too.
-What people think of you is THEIR business not yours, but be prepared that if you do leave, that people will see you as someone who found him good enough for 17 years, but not now that you can possibly do "better" you don't want him anymore.  It doesn't mean that you are shallow, but to many you will appear that way since most only see the "bees knees" part of him as you said.

I truly wish you the best and certainly understand your thoughts as I have (in a very small way) had them myself.  We were in a type of cocoon so long, that once we are butterflies we want to be free to experience all we missed out on!

Big ole hugs!
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 So true - great advice. I really do feel that the people who choose to share on this website have so mu*****ommon that it is easy to relate to our 'issues' in a completely different way than those who haven't travelled this journey.

I went out last night and when I got home we had a huge heart to heart and he certainly let me know how he'd been feeling which was definitely insecure and alone.  Nothing is fixed in a flash though so we'll continue to be a work in progress for the next wee while.

Sandy - your words about butterflies and cocoons really stood out for me because regardless of how good my husband is I am a butterfly now in many ways that are not just about the physical me. I have this huge feeling of living life to the fullest and that I spent many years in my 'cocoon'. I guess reconciling how it all fits together now if the hard part.

Carolyn - your thoughts are 'bang on' too. I've been to a therapist and discussed how my husband has kept things together for a long time. He's had to at times (believe me I have never been a basket case and have always been highly functioning) but he quite likes it that way as well. I think he's struggling with the capable me and I guess the dynamics have changed so much we don't quite know where to go with it!

Thanks so much for your thoughtful and insightful words ladies XXX

 I wish you the best which ever way things turn out.