Forgetting

I still don't think I know what it's like to be thin, but I feel less and less like I belong to the heavy group.  And I'm....sad about that.  Very sad.  Confused.  I didn't expect to be.  Especially not this far out.  

Being the fat girl was such a part of my identity.  I don't think I ever realized.  In some ways I'm amazed with the ease in which I've shed much of that fat girl identity.  I'm amazed at how quickly we can forget the mind tricks that plagued us for years.  I guess what I'm struggling with is being a fat person inside though maybe not outside.  Originally I had the opposite problem.  

I feel strangely remorseful about the whole thing and I cannot figure out why or what to do about it.  I've concluded that achieving any life goal must come with these feelings.  There's a certain sense of loss of direction. 

But most recently I've been struck with a sense of treason.  I had worried about whether I'd feel like I'd sold out.  And it's not so much that as missing being part of the community in some odd sense.  I don't really miss it.  Not at all.  I guess I just got really good at being fat.  I was really good about planning diets and dreaming about the day that I'd be thin.  And then blowing my diet.  It was nice to know people had to accept me in spite of my looks.  

Posters had told me that losing weight didn't solve everything...and they were right.

Hi, you are wide to recognize that normal weight doesn't solve all your problems. But it does make a lot of things easier and better. But life's issues still come up and hopefully we have learned ways to cope without eating.

While I sometimes forget that I am not still fat (like I say "i'm going to waddle over there ..." when i don't waddle anymore. But I do feel I have adjusted to feeling slim and it feels right and normal. I have not forgotten how hard and painful life was fat and hope I never do.

Maybe your feelings are some regret for not doing something sooner or for some years that you may see as lost. Me, I don't look back. I just can't - too many years of lost opportunity due to fat and I just must look forward so thats what I do.

One thing about feeling like a sell out. it sure is no sell out to improve your health. You didn't sell out - you made a good deal trading in overeating for a tool that can help you attain normal weight and good health - seems like a fair trade to me.

One thing about those who are still overweight - I try to be sensitive and non judgemental and in no way mean. I was listening to a policial comentator talk about Governor Chis Christie of New Jersy who is 5'10" and weighs 320. Clearly morbidly obese. They were talking about whether this should be a campaign issue or if its why he says he is not running and whether the obesity and related health issues is a legitimate campaign concern. While I don't agree with his politics, I found myself annoyed that they made such a big deal about his weight. Yet for a candidate for major office health has been often an issue. Not sure what I think here but it all folds in to what you were thinking.

So I expect with time you will become more comfortable with your new size and it will feel good and natural enough that you will strive to maintain it. Thats all that all of us really want.  Diane

Hi, may I chime in here?  I do understand your feelings.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm in no mans land.  People seemed to relate to me differently when I was fat.  Like I was a non threatening fixture of some sort.  Men just mostly looked through me.  Now, when the girls at work start comparing their weight complaints and new diet strategies, I am pretty much excluded, like I cheated and now cannot play.  They do look at me in anticipation of me gaining it back, so there can be a big round of "I told you so's"  It's odd, sometimes lonely.  But I did this for my health and to save my joints more then anything else, so I try to focus on that.  I love not being fat, I never want to go back there.  Sometimes I wonder if life would be better if I lived elsewhere, where no one knew the fat Marie, then they wouldn't, be watching and waiting for me to fail.
As for Gov. Christy and the negative media comment about his weight.  It makes me sick.  Fat people have always been a free target, even to the "politically correct" crowd, maybe even more to that crowd.  The fat jokes will abound and his opponents will gleefully use it to try to bring him down.  It's sickening.  Smoking is a greater hazard, but you didn't see much sniping at Obama because he smoked.   It reminds me once again, of school yard bullies.

"I love not being fat, I never want to go back there. "
 
I say this to myself every single day. And it is lonely at times. People are waiting for me to put the weight back on, like I have done so many times before. I don't think they realize or understand that I work at keeping the weight off everyday, through exercise, weighing and measuring my food, being mindful, tracking my food intake, attending support groups, and list goes on.

Even though it isn't said, I believe some people think I took the easy way out, since I am also excluded from talk about diet and exercise. When I tell people what I do, their eyes glaze over and say that is too much work. Well, for me, the alternative is worse, much worse.

gail

Very ironic, that people can think you "took the easy way out" while thinking that your maintenance routine is "too much work." People are so funny.

I'm still shocked by some people's reaction to finding out about my surgery. I never let it bother me, but it does surprises me.

Congratulations on your success...and bugger anyone who doesn't share in your joy.

MM

"Sometimes I wonder if life would be better if I lived elsewhere, where no one knew the fat Marie, then they wouldn't, be watching and waiting for me to fail."

We moved 2 years ago to a new town and no one I meet has any idea that I was ever heavy. I've got to say, it's liberating and has helped cement my "thin" self image to be related to as a normal weight person right from the beginning. My long time friends have been totally supportive of me, even the ones who are overweight, so I have been very lucky there...

I don't have any advice regarding the 'what to do about it' thing, but just had a couple of thoughts...

You look pretty young and so I'm going to make the assumption that you didn't have any co-morbidities when you had your WLS. I know that was the case for me at least. If so, I wonder if that doesn't make it a bit easier to romanticize a "fat girl identity" of the past.

I wonder if it would be easier to let your overweight history go if it had been accompanied by diabetes, knee/back pain, sleep apnea, loads of medications, etc. etc.

And if I can make another assumption about your age (I'm guessing early 20s?), I think this may be a time where you are still solidifying your identity anyhow and so this big change may be a little harder to deal with than for those who have already settled into a lot of things in their life (serious relationship...career...maybe a family...etc. etc.).

I do understand your comment about the possibility of these feelings with any life goal. I think that's true. When I was in school, things were so set out for me and it was easy to see where I was going...first undergrad...then a year abroad...then my doctorate degree...then my externship...then my first job...and now what? Before there were steps...one led to another, often also leading me to an exciting new place with new people.

Now I'm 3 yrs into my job and thinking, "What next?" There is no next step with a new place or new people. I'm engaged and living in his house, so now there is a now another person (and a house) that must always be considered in every decision.

It can lead to thoughts of, "gee, remember when I was younger and fancy free? Moving around frequently, big things coming up, experiencing the excitement of all those new relationships..." Although if I can honestly look back on those times....my doctorate degree was stressful to accomplish, yes, I had lots of friends in my grad program and we had good times, but there were also long hours in the lab, nerve-wracking presentations, and many times when I dreamed of being free of school and in a steady job.

When I was dating and searching to find the right person, I envied my friends who had already found their mates and who seemed so settled in...I wanted to find someone who I could be so comfortable with and who I knew I could be with forever. While I no longer have the excitement of meeting someone new, I have a fantastic fiance who loves me through the ups and downs and is always there to cuddle me, listen, and encourage me towards my best interests. I am so thankful to have someone I can rely on.

Hindsight is rarely 20/20 as the saying goes. I think it is fine to kind of mourn what once was while also celebrating where you are now. But every now and again, try to remind yourself of the realities of the past environment. Yes, people accepted you in spite of your looks. That is a nice feeling, means you have a rocking personality, I'm sure. But also, your fashionista side was more difficult to appease and your long-term health was at risk.

Losing weight doesn't solve everything and it will probably be a mind trip for awhile, but it does solve or at least help some things and that is a good thing. You still have an identity in there, many aspects of your personality that are yours regardless of your weight, and maybe it will just take some time to get comfortable with that.

Wow, that was long and rambling and I hope some of it made sense.

Best,
Lindsey
 

 Thank you for your response.  Sounds very much like me.  I'm very goal-oriented and "fixer."  I'm in my doctorate program right now (though, after my midterms this week, that may be a different story!).  My weightloss was always my big project in the making.  Now I actually have a huge sense of loss.  That's not to say I don't know how much work maintenance will be, but it's less defined.

Someone below also stated how it's fine to not mourn everything about being fat.  Because that girl did a lot for me.  I SO identify with that sentiment.  That girl made me who I am.  And more and more I feel like I'm losing her.  I know that can't be true!  I'm still her!  And I'm maybe a better version of her.  Certainly a healthier version.  I guess in some weird way I'm coming full circle to really love and appreciate the person I once was and it's hard to reconcile that with having "traded her in."  Now, of course, that's not what I really did.  But it's a healing process I suppose.  The surgical scars are more than skin deep, so to speak.

OK, I'm not in maintenance yet, but I did lose 120 pounds in my mid 20s.  I wanted to have sanity about food, but I was unsure I really wanted to thin.  When I lost the weight, it was very disconcerting.  I felt like I'd lost my fat tribe.  Some members of my fat tribe felt like I'd deserted them.  There was a group starting in Atlanta where I was living at the time that was a social group for fat women.  I was crushed that they would not let me join because even at 190 pounds, I wasn't really "fat" anymore.  Who was I if I wasn't fat??  Being a fat person is, to this day, the most important aspect of my identity.  It has shaped and colored everything. 

It really hit me that being fat did a lot of things for me.  Like, I did very well at work and I always felt like I got "extra credit" for doing well in spite of being fat.  I called that, "pretty good for a fat girl."  I was completely freaked out when transferred to a new office after losing the weight and nobody there knew I had been fat.  I felt so vulnerable and just... normal.  People have lower expectations for fat people, so it was always easy to exceed them.   And in social situations, people who like you, like you for all the "right" reasons.  It's a great filter for shallowness.  I also felt physically vulnerable.  I didn't feel great having less of me in the world (initially), even though I liked how I looked.

I guess I'm saying I really understand, really really.  And not so many of my fellow members of OA (where I lost the weight) identified with the feelings of loss I had.  I kept the weight off for 5 or 6 years, and came to terms with it.  My shrink said it takes 2 years for your body image and self-concept to change significantly.  And I didn't regain because I wanted to be fat again.  For me, those feelings transformed over time.  But they were very difficult at the beginning.  The fat woman I am, and was, and will soon used to be isn't all hideous and horrible and undisciplined.  She did a lot of good things for me.

The fat woman I am, and was, and will soon used to be isn't all hideous and horrible and undisciplined. She did a lot of good things for me.
What a great thought.  Your entire post actually.  You are wise indeed!