Awakened today and wished I were still heavy

Let me preface this post by saying that about 95% of the time I am thrilled with my weightloss.  Things are nearly always at least as good as they would've been as a heavy person, normally far better.  Ups and downs, but without having to worry about things like, say, breathing, or sitting, or climbing stairs.  That said, the past couple days have not been that way.

I had written in my blog a few weeks back about the excitement and fast-paced change I have experienced with wls.  I think this is probably true for the surgery, but reinforced by my age and other life changes at this point.  Life has been on warp speed.  I feel the need to experience everything that I ever missed, and suck it all in in a short amount of time.  I expect more from people now.  I expect more from life.  And in many ways that makes me happy.  It's nice to have the confidence and entitlement that I think most people have always experienced.  I mean, gee whiz, it isn't that crazy to expect people to treat you as you should have always been treated.  

However, there is now so much "chatter" going on that wasn't there before.  With each improvement I see in myself, along comes a dissatisfaction--"not enough."  Some of them seem pretty legitimate to me, which is why I make them.  I guess I just sort of expected to be more self-satisfied, not less.  It's much easier to become nit-picky about my physical appearance now.  I question all the decisions that I ever made before--and wonder if they were all predicated on being overweight.  I don't know what I would have wanted to do if this was my reality a couple years ago.  Would I be where I am now?  All this mind-chatter, all this self-doubt, makes me crave for the days when I settled, when weight was an issue, but weightloss was not.  Today I missed the time when I could eat a large Sunday dinner and watch football and, yes, have a huge gut and have to reach for my inhaler multiple times.  I was happy with that simplicity.  At least I thought I was.  And today I'd like to go back to not knowing any better.  If only for today

How incredibly brave you are for sharing...I can relate to a lot of the feeling you are having.

I think that all my fat years were spent thinking "I'd be happy if I weighed____" That number changed through the years...I SWORE I would be happy at anything below 200...I SWORE I would be REALLY happy if I ever saw in the 180's...I SWORE I would be SO FRICKEN happy if I ever MIRACULOUSLY saw anything near 170's! I SWORE IT TO GOD AND ANYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN TO ME WHINE!

So...here I sit at 168 and a size 8 and **** if I cant still be a MISERABLE HARD ASS on my SELF! 

Well ****I guess it really wasn't ALL about the food or the fat...this **** is/was about ME..not *just* the size of my ass!

So I recently had a few consecutive "ah-ha" moments and realized I just needed to DECIDE to be HAPPY. Happy with my efforts, happy with my Size, to just tell the chattering voices in my head shut the **** up and be Kinder to my SELF. Self likes it when I am kinder to her! 

And the truth probably is you did know better back then...there is no such thing as blissful ignorance when you cant breath and your belly is hanging out. You are just having selective memory because sometimes all chatter that produces long term change can be EXHAUSTING WORK!

Not sure if any of this will help but its my musings on it and something I have been shamefully dealing with for months. WLS did not make me happy. *I* am the only one capable of doing that.

Good luck!!!
Elizabeth 

Elizabeth, your response really hit home for me. I can't fully relate to wanting to be obese again (maybe because I'm not as close to goal as Bonnie), but my experience is very similar to what you have described.

When I started this process, I just wanted to be under 220-230. I can remember thinking back to a time when I dieted down to about 218 and felt pretty thin. I set mini goals for myself (my ticker page here is full of them) all along the way (under 250, 75 lbs lost, "overweight", 100 lbs down, onederland).

While working for each goal, I really felt, "I'll be so happy when..." but immediately as the goal was met, I was happy for...about 2 seconds and then I realized how far away I was from the next goal and realized I wouldn't be happy until that one!

I was with my mom a few days ago and she said in reference to my weight loss, "Doesn't it just feel like a dream come true?" and without even thinking I replied, "No, 30 more lbs will feel like a dream come true."

Later I really hated that I said that. Even if I never lose another pound (but even as I type this inside I'm saying, "please oh please let me lose another pound!), this has been such a great gift. I said my goals of the surgery were to be able to fit in a plane seat without worry (check) and shop in regular sizes (check). I should give myself credit for how far I have come.

I'm going to work on being much kinder to myself.

Lindsey

 Lindsey:

What started to scare me was thinking about what will I say when I hit "goal" and I cant spout out the "obligatory" (or so the voices tell me, ((mostly my MOMMA)) I think!) response to any mention to my loss with "Thank You (which took 3 therapy sessions to grasp saying out loud!) and not follow it with...but I still have 30 pounds to go!" What am I going to do when i don't have X amount of pounds to go?!? And could my need to stay in my comfort zone (fat and failing!) keep me from meeting my goals?? Hmmmm...Scary thought..anyhow...

Why the ****  cant I just  say..."Thank you... I'm delighted with my 96 pound loss" But I think after a LIFETIME of being obese my habitual response is usually a *bit* more self deprecating...

It is my choice to continue to focus on what I haven't done rather then to see what I HAVE. 

Dearest Brandilynn reminds me its just the brains silly reptilian like habits..and we can create new ones!

Just takes lots and lots of WORK...but hey..we wouldn't want this journey to be TOO easy or people would really talk **** about us!

Good luck and YAY to be kinder to ones SELF!

Elizabeth

PS...I'm so screwed up I was freaking out today when my kids and I were out shopping at the thrift store with my momma and because of size issues on tags they both (5&8) suddenly realized that I am now actually thinner then my mom. They just thought this was the funniest thing.(its so weird bc its like since they live with me my kiddos seem to still see me as fat..or is that bc that is how I see myself??) Either way...they would NOT stop talking about it...and despite that my Mom is a solid 12-14 and I am now a 6-10 I was so upset I kept telling them to shu**** wasn't true! Sharing so that just in case anyone else out there thinks they were screwed up...you are not alone! lol

Sure would be easier of this **** was just about the DORITOS!

Ahhhwww honey, sorry you are feeling this way.  I am sure this feeling will pass. 

I can't relate at all, I was one of those people that hated being fat and I am sooooooooo thankful to be thin.

But I can relate with not being 'happy' with myself now that I am thin, I struggle to accept my body with it's flaws. 

But I am unbeleivably thankful I don't have to worry about my weight anymore.  I have always been shy and being slim helps me with my confidence in public.

Big hugs to you,

Cindy

 I can really relate to what you are saying.  I've always thought how wonderful my life would be if only I were thin.  Something I'd never experienced.  And it is wonderful, and awesome and I love it.  But it didn't change me, my head, my marriage issues. etc.  In fact, right now I am struggling with yet another funk.  And I can't fall back on the comforting myself with food solution I'd always used.  I can no longer blame my sadness on my weight.  It's much deeper then that.
But enough wallowing.  Maybe we all go through this, maybe not.  But I know I have to make my life a happy place, 'cause no one else can.  Be Blessed.
Marie

I am still struggling with this 'funk' and I am thinking of you my sweet friend.  Big big hugs honey.

Awww Cindy, you are so sweet.  I do hope and pray you feel better soon.  You make me smile
Marie

 It is sort of  a taboo feeling to dare say we are thin and unhappy. Or at least not happy all the time..which is not a realistic thing to expect from our selves.

I also think the further out we get the less shots of "Woo-Hoo!!" we get from stepping on the scale..like the OP said..you get used to such sudden and almost instant gratification from the losing stage that as things level out it gets harder to seek the same amount of constant little highs that you had in the beginning.

And to Marie...it is funny because you are always one of my happiness rulers that I hold myself up to..."Well Marie always seems So happy and chipper all the time...Why isnt that me?!?" And here you are actually just hiding under the damn chair! LOL

Thanks everyone for sharing so openly...like I have said before this is something I have personally been struggling with for a while.


 

 it totally makes sense - anyone who lived with obesity/a huge gut/ anything would sometimes miss it, change is hard and it takes time to adjust.