XP "if you're so perfect" and bougie excuses..

Zow!

"If you are sooo perfect with your diet now, how come YOU NEEDED SURGERY?"

Ahh.. the last resort of the defensive.

I had offered (what my heart saw as) support to someone who has been slipping for a long while.  All I *CAN* offer is what has been true/worked for ME.  I cannot tell anyone how to be casual and get to where they want to be because that was not my path.  I cant tell anyone how to just eat smaller portions and get to where they want to be and maintain because that was not my path.  So I shared that I, too, struggle with the mental side of this thing, that I, too, am dishearteningly attracted to food with no nutritive value and that I HAD to structure myself and my life to give me a fighting chance. I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE!!  I did not go into this thinking I could just "get switched" if this did not work, just like I did not go into my marriage thinking "well if I do not like this, I will just leave his ass." 
I went into this with my eyes open about ME and had pinpointed as many disordered behaviors with food as I could and then made plans for when I did incorporate triggery foods back into my diet occasionally, that I could have boundaries, guard rails, and structure so sometimes I could have the foods that were ONLY a party in my mouth, and had nothing to do with nutrition.

And then another person, who granted, has a tender filter because their surgery got botched, jumped up to "defend" the person I was sharing with, and said...

"Brandilynn
I'll bet your sleeve is smaller than hers.  You weighed 267 lbs. before surgery and she only weighed 204 lbs.  Surgeries are based on surgical weight.  Not highest weight.  Not hormone levels.  Not family history.  It is the BMI on the day of surgery.  I met a woman the other day that had a VSG.  She was very morbidly obese.  They made her sleeve is so small that she can almost not drink water.  She has rapidly lost 80 lbs.  Now they are going to stretch her sleeve.  If you had such good control over food, why did you not just change your behavior? Why did you not just go low carb?  Why didn't you just structure your life?  You must have eaten 600 calories more per day more than she did to weigh 63 lbs. more before surgery.  Your surgery is working...count your blessings!  Eating low carb decreases insulin and decreases hunger.  but too big a sleeve allows someone to eat more before they feel full.  A smaller sleeve won't allow a person to eat as much.  It is more than behavior.  If you can't eat as much during an "anything goes meal" you won't impede your weight loss. If your sleeve is larger you can do quite a bit of damage. "

I *understand* the argument, I do.  But I gotta say.. I RISKED MY LIFE AND MY RELATIONSHIPS on an ELECTIVE surgery because I was OUT OF CONTROL. 

I HAD to change stuff for me!  HAD TO. 

I do not have any quibble with sleeve size, although when it comes to carby foods, well anything that is not dense protein period, I can eat an amazing amount.  And I do not mean 3 ounces of amazing, I mean amazing amounts.  *CAN* eat, do not, but can.  Why do not? Because I risked my life for an elective surgery to help me so that *some* could be enough.  I have eaten measured amounts since I got to solids because left to my own devices - my want is bigger than my need.

I *did not* have such good control before, that's why I was nearly pushing 300 pounds. I had insane hunger and could not/would not be satisfied with weentzy portions for long enough to actually maintain.  I did actually go low carb before surgery, multiple times, it did not cure my insane hunger.  I did structure my life but I did not see changes that made any diference to continue.  I am not sure if your surgery addresses the hunger issue, but for me the VSG made my hunger reasonable, not panicked like it was, and within the frame of a reasonable hunger, I set up structure and practiced making good/better/best habits. Always make good/better/best?  No, because I am a human, but - I risked a lot on this surgery, there was not going to be a do-over, I had to do all I could with this one chance I had. 

I can eat ****POTS of food in an anything goes meal. I can put on a good 15 pounds over a vacation if I do not actually make good/better/best choices. 

I have watched her since before she had her VSG, and her struggles, and her responses.  I get that you do not appreciate my heart to be helpful, and you do not need to, because we are not besties, we do not have to be, but we all have our ways to *attempt* to be helpful.  My concern for her is the same as it has always been, that whatever her choice of surgery, revision, that carrying on with therapy will be a good thing.  I also am very familiar with the danger of looking for "full." My full changes depending on the day, my stress level, et cetera. The premeasuring takes away the trying to decide if I am full or not.  I have a measured amount and the answer is "its enough."  I had this surgery so some could be enough and I did not have to keep searching for full, but I had to train myself what "enough" meant, and what it meant was - a measured amount.

Every day I count my blessings, and I also know that every day I have to take advantage of and be protective of my "sobriety" because I know too well the lure of foods that change my body chemistry, do nothing nutritious for my body, and hook me by the nose once I let them into my every day life. 

I am 2 years out and while surgery did help with my ravenous hunger, at this point  its about my choices, more than it is about my sleeve size.  I realize that is not how it is for everyone, but that *is* how it is for me.  So, I hear you working on saying my whole behavior is based on the size of my sleeve, but I will not agree - because the size of my sleeve does not change what I choose to eat, how I choose to self-soothe when I am freaked out or pissed off, or if I move my body purposefully daily. 

But we can definitely agree to disagree, because that's fine and dandy too.

And just one more thing to add..

I only offer what I have had to do to protect me and my interests.  The implication isnt that "if only you would do these things, you would have a magical time" the intent is

I have a seriously screwed up relationship with food.

I have used foods to change my moods, attitudes, and to numb out.  Surgery was going to fix my capacity for a bit so I could get used to smaller portions, but it was NEVER going to change my disordered behavior with food.

****

All of this to just suggest to folks, just KNOW YOURSELF, know who you are, how you have been, and different things you may need to do to GET to whatever goal you set and STAY THERE.

We can argue about bougie size all day long, but the honest-to-whomeveryouwannaprayto truth is..

None of us are perfect, willpower does not last, if you have bad habits that contributed to your gain, please give yourself a chance!!

Not everybody has a screwed up metabolism!  Maybe some folks really just have a portion problem!  Maybe some folks only gained with pregnancy and once they got it off, it can stay off!

But HOPING we are one thing and then INSISTING that the way we WANT to do this thing, as opposed to the way our bodies need for us to do these things? 

That is heartbreaking.  Nobody goes into this for more heartache. Be good to you!  Know yourself!  Set yourself up for success.

NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR JOURNEY MORE THAN YOU!!

Nobody! 

Peace out klownz!

Very good post Brandi. It isn't us eating too much or such poor food choices that got us to our weight it is our habits and how we relate to food. If we don't address that we can stack up a number of excuses for not meeting our goals. I do it myself constantly. I'm on my period=I can eat lots of junk. I'm out with friends = I can eat lots of junk. I can only eat a little of it = I can eat lots of junk. It makes me feel bad about myself and then in turn I eat lots of junk. It's because of my reliance on food to deal with emotions. My drug of choice that I abuse. *I* have to recognize, accept, and deal with that if I want to make my surgery work for me. No one gets to where we are, doing major surgery, because they have something extra now and then. It's because we are addicts and really we have to deal with that every day forever. 

Every day, forever.   Yes m'am.  That about sums how I see it for myself up quite nicely!

I should hire you to do my editing :}

Man oh man, I love your posts, BW    You can say it like no one else!
--Dorothy

       My hero...

You are wise beyond your years my dear.  You REALLY should write a book.

Hugs and luvs,

Cindy

Great post, Brandi! what I get from reading your post is that you are trying to convey to this person that we need to learn new behaviors for our particular weaknesses, so that when the restriction eases up, we have added to our bag of tools.

Of course we are not perfect!  If we were, we never would have needed the surgery in the first place.  I see this over and over again on the boards.  People want to justify their eating after surgery.  We have to know ourselves and what our triggers are,  try to avoid them, not beat ourselves up when we fall, then go forward because life goes on!  At least,now I have the ability to pull myself together when I fall off the wagon.  And it still happens(just got back from vacationing in Savannah and I brought back and extra 2 lbs!), but I want to make sure it stays a temporary stumble, not a oneway road back to my old patterns.
 
I knew that I wanted to use the time after my surgery when restriction was greatest to develop new eating habits, sticking to them as much as possible, so that they became second nature to me.  I knew that I had to make a permanent change, or else I could foresee regaining my weight.  For example, bread was a no no on my plan.  When I first fell off the wagon, eating it caused discomfort, so it was easy to say, " no more of that for me!".  After a while, I got so used to not eating bread that I had no issue just ignoring the bread basket  put in front of me.  Every now and then when I just "have" to taste some yummy concoction from the bread basket, the new me with her new learned behavior is happy with a bite.  This didn't happen overnight, I had to work at it.  and that's my point, we are all work in progress.

I, for one, aprreciate your advice.  I have read as well as recommended "your" books.  I am able to walk away after reading your posts with an understanding of how you are trying to share your experience to help others.  Not all of it will apply to me, maybe it will apply to someone else, but it always cames from a good place!

Whooot Whoooot..you Rock Miss Missy!

My shero !

Excellent post.  Could not agree more.

 Brandi - I know there are peeps that don't have a messed up relationship with food but I think they are the minority, I really do.  at least here!

I totally don't get the "they had to stretch her sleeve out" business, that's not computing to me. I had very very very tight restriction I think because my surgeon oversews the staple line and also because I am short?

anyway, lived on (clear) sytrax nectars for about the first 6 months to make sure I got in all my liquid and protein with just bites here & there. at about  4 months I added up my calories and it was under 500. 

and you know what? I am at 3 years post op and can eat a TON. the sleeve will easily stretched in time if that is what you want.  seems to me if a doctor has to do it, that's all wrong.