Feeling really unsettled

 Ok, just a little background info.  I've been married 23 years, 3 kids 20, 15 and 11.  had surgery over a year ago.  Have been semi-unemployed for over a year.  I work very part-time teaching a college class.  Anyway... I am just feeling so unsettled these past few days.  I feel like I'm missing out on something but can't put my finger on it.  I had surgery so I could do stuff but what that "stuff" is, I haven't figured out?  I want to be more active, and I am at the gym, but I mean more purposeful active like walking, hiking, bike riding, etc.  

My husband is no help.  He works and just doesn't feel like doing anything in the evenings but drink beer and sleep.  My son is not here much, my older daughter is at band camp all week and my youngest will do things with me, but only to a certain extent.  I can't seem to get motivated to do stuff for myself.  I'm tired of shopping, the weather here in Seattle area has been on again, off again nice.  Today it's a touch of overcast and not much sun.  

I just don't know what I feel or how to get to the root cause of why I feel so blah!??  What do I do?  See a counselor?  Get a divorce?  Have an affair?  Am I PMSing?  I'm just so confused right now and don't know what to do.  I don't know who else to talk to so thought I would put this out here to you guys.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Well you might be a little depressed or maybe just plain bored. YOu have just been through a major life changing experience and if you are like me, you might have thought life would be perfect if only you could get to a normal weight. But all of life's issues are still out there.

So a counselor couldn't hurt tohelp you identify whats bothering you. And a light box can help for those foggy overcast days as some of us are really sensitive to the lack of sunlight. Both sunlight and exercise are natural anti-depressants.

Or you might pick some wild weird thing that you have never done before to try. Like belly dancing or roller blading or an art class or choir or volunteering at a hospital or animal shelter. Most cities have volunteer bureaus where they have lists of stuff that need assistance. Sometimes just finding something else to occupy your thoughts pushes out those bla feelings.

You might start by sitting down and making a list of things that 10 years from now you would like to look back on and have done or accomplished. It might help you focus on starting some projects or working toward goals. I know I feel antsy and at loose ends if I don't have a project or goal in mind. When I got the weight off I had to find other ones (maintenance being one of them).

Try to look at this as an opportunity where you have a little time for yourself and can do something interesting and unusual. I started some martial arts stuff that I really enjoy and am rehabilitating our horribly overgrown garden that I neglected when I was too fat.

Anyway, hope this helps. Let us know what you do. But don't get a divorce or have an affair.

Diane

 Go to meetup.com and see if there is a group in your area that does something you would like. I did that and joined a group that plays board games. I am glad I did. You get to meet new people and it sparks your spirit. There are many different types of groups. Check it out.

Well don't have an affair because those are more trouble than they are worth! 

I think that it is actually pretty common to feel unsettled and restless after a big change in our lives. You hear it all the time -- someone's mom dies and the next thing you know, they are selling their house and moving to Alaska or taking up sky diving or having an affair.

Then think about the fact that most of us get WLS when middle-aged.

So here we are ... ripe for a mid-life crisis anyway and then we make this big change in our lives ... it's no wonder some of us go a bit nuts.

I do know that I am now in my 50s, out of work, with 10x the energy I used to have, with a completely different set of friends and lifestyle, but with a family that hasn't changed much at all.

I love my husband in many ways but in other ways I want to smack him. He isn't ready to change even though he needs it even more than I did. It's not his fault that I was ready sooner but do I really want to wait around for him to have an ephiphany that may never come? Then again, do I want to throw away a relationship of 22 years (well 24 if you count from when we started dating) over stuff that is actually fairly superficial (i.e., what he eats and how he doesn't exercise)? Not to mention, do I really want to face all the peole who said it woud 'never last' who would now say 'I told you so" even though we've been married for 20+ years?

I know counseling is the answer. I've brought it up but in the context of getting family counseling because of my son's depression. (Yes, I'm a big chicken.) Dh has not been receptive to the idea.

I know if I told him it was counseling or divorce, he'd get on board and even be reasonably cooperative. But for some reason I haven't been willing to do that. I think I want it to all be his fault and/or not to have to do anything different. Or maybe I'm just afraid of what will be dredged up by counseling.

I do know that they say you shouldn't make major decisions for at least a year after major life changes. I do feel like I'm just now settling into my new body and my new lifestyle. So at this point, I'm going to 'let it ride' for at least a few more months before I demand action of some sort whatever it may be.

Dear sweet Heather :)
I love that you posted this.  You didn't even mention "eating" and that's a miracle.  I agree with all the comments.  You go girl.....it's time to branch out and discover what you like to do.  I would get the bikes out and ask your 11 year old to go with you.  Take a ride to a coffee house or through a park.  It WILL lift your spirits.  Action is magic.  Keep your eyes on yourself and not your husband.  I have to do that alot.  Focus on you and all will get better.  Promise ♥♥

OMG!!!!
When I started reading your post, it was like I was reading something I wrote!
I have been feeling the same exact way, I just seem to sit in the house and do nothing, while my husband sits outside drinking his beer with his friends!
and if he isnt drinking he is sleeping or working, I feel like doing stuff and not sure what that stuff is, I get so darn bored, and I want to get out and do something, like hiking or something!! I dont know really what but I have all this energy and I dont have hardly any friends to hang out with, and I have 5 kids, 4 of them are at home but there busy with there life.
I dont know I feel stuck also.
I know this dont help but I feel ya!, and the weather is just about the same as your weather cause im in oregon, not to far from you, and yucky weather has really been getting me down.
Good luck and let me know if you figure this out cause I would love to know how to feel whole again.
Lisa

I am sorry for your blurgs girlie.

I second the meetup.com - just because you can try new stuff in a group and maybe meet some new folks to hang out with.

You know I work here from home, so, I am home home home home all the time it feels like, and I need to be home and winding down by 8 so I can go to bed and sleep at 9, so I can get up between 2 and 3, so that cuts out a lot of time that other folks are being social, but I just cannot come home and jump in bed, and I work on production, so if I am not well rested, my day is longer, because it takes longer to produce.

Anyway, all of that to say, Zumba is a godsend for me.  It gets me out of the house and hanging out with folks I enjoy, feeling like I am out dancing with my girlfriends, but I can also be a responsible human and be home in time to unwind and go to bed and then get up and do it again.  You know fella works hard all day and gets home, and he is just glad to be here, and I understand, and sometimes it feels like our weekends are just crammed with chores, so - I found that zumba really helps relieve me of restlessness and gets me out of here, but in a constructive way too.  Having the dogs helps me have to go out though too, whether its funky weather or not.  I have an Aussie that if she does not get exercised, I have to work at not throttling her.  :} 

*squeeze*  Its a season girlie.  If you are bummed and bumming alone with the opportunity to go do stuff and you are not up to it, you sure will not be under the stress of divorce, or affairing! 

Counseling is never a bad idea, sometimes its can be helpful, at the very least it might be benign.

Muwah.  We have coffee shops around here where ladies meet for fun knitting learning or crochet stuff, or book clubbing n setch. 

You might just be bored out of your mind.  I guess I am about to channel my mama..

GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM!  :} 

Be sweet girlie.  Its just a phase - you just need a little stimulation and you might need to fake wanting to get out for a bit before you find the thing you really want to get out to do!

I can identify with some of your feelings. I do wish I could get out and do something, but I don't know what I want to do. My husband was working on losing weight also (even though he wasn't very overweight) when he suddenly had a stroke and died last year. He has been gone a year now. I can't figure out how to start getting out and doing all the things that I have been missing out on while I was too heavy to do them. It is hard to figure out how though since I was married for almost 40 years, and the stuff I thought I wanted to do, included my DH. I get out with my children and grands as much as possible, but they are so busy, and some of them live a long way from me. I have some church work that I do, that work also is pretty solitary.
I wish I had some fantastic ideas for you, but I'm doing very little myself. My sister has been involved in a dance group for many years, and she keeps inviting me to the nights when they do line dancing, as it does not require a partner, and would be a way to start getting involved with the group, but so far I have not gone. Maybe I will one day soon.
Just don't get a divorce, or have an affair. We go through so much with the weight loss, and trying to reshape our self image. I think counseling is a good idea for alot of us. I saw a counselor for a while after my husband's death, but that was geared more toward dealing with the loss, and I did not think to bring into it the other issues involved with my WLS.
Well anyway, good luck and hang in there. We'll get through it.

 I feel the same way, the exact same way. I need more friends in real life for one thing and to take up a hobby. I feel like my life is just passing me by though. I want some excitement! 

Hey gurl, I am poking at you to see how you are.   I hope just busy and your restlessness has passed.