My FAT is broke

I'm not sure if anyone can relate to this.....but my fatness is "broke".  I got fat in my early 20's and stayed there for 20 years. Part of my self identity was being a fat chick. Had it not been for my high blood pressure and the meds I was put on plus the chest pains I was starting to get, well, I would not have had WLS. My ex loved me fat and I had a huge wardrobe and was content enough being the fat one.

This morning I was having my coffee, thinking about my upcoming tummy tuck, breast lift and neck lift next month. I can envision the end result. I also remembered what I looked like this morning when I looked in my full length mirror heading to work. I looked soooo thin - too thin, no curves anywhere.

I'm trying to remember what it was like to be big. Why oh why have I forgotten? Is this temporary amnesia? I just can't remember! It is driving me crazy for some reason. If I see a picture of a fat chick I feel solidarity, like I am a member of the fat club. So why can't I remember how my body felt fat and what I looked like and how I felt in that big body? Can someone explain this to me please? I'm having a brain fart and can't wrap my brain around this one right now. Maybe I need more coffee, but I'm seriously perplexed!

While I cant honestly relate, you know girlie, humans are wired up to forget EXACTLY how much a thing hurt, which is a blessing and a danger.

Danger in that we sometimes glorify our "back then" and dont notice or mind that much creeping back into it.

Blessing in that, we can have another relationship if one has burned us so, have another child after that horrible pregnancy and delivery, go rollerskating after that horrible shattering of the ankle, etc.

Me, personally, I remember, and probably because I remember on purpose.  On vacation we were hiking and I saw a heavy lady who was laboring to make the climb and breathe and it transports me back to being in that body.  Course, when I *was* there it was just how it was, but now, not having to lug me around and being able to breathe so much better scaling stupid inclines - I really realize how much worse I felt than I even thought.  boo.

I always will vote for more coffee though!  :}

I am excited for you about your upcoming lift, tuck, and trim!  I will be thinking good things for you!

I have the opposite problem. Even nearly 2 1/2 years post op, my mind hasn't caught up with my body. It's weird. I still feel fat. I'm rather small (size 2 or 4) and have been for quite some time (weird even typing that) and even now when I'm sitting down in a chair that's small or looks a little wobbly, or I go to sit down in a porch swing, I sit down very slowly and easily because I'm worried I'm too heavy and that I'll break it. I ran into a store the other day and grabbed pantyhose for a formal event and nearly walked out of the store with plus size. I was asked my weight on a dr's form just a month ago and put 245. I could go on and on. In a way, I'm glad I haven't completely disconnected from the 'fat me.' I remember it so very very well what it was like to live, breathe, work, walk, everything in that body. The vividness of that reminds me that I NEVER want to be back there again. I never realized how hard it was to live in that body until I didn't have to. I agree with Brandilynn, forgetting and completely disconnecting from your 'heavy self' is a danger and a blessing.

I have a little of both depending on the day.  Most days I have trouble realizing I'm a size 4.  To my mind it seems ridiculous still.  There are days when I look in the mirror and think damn I look pretty good.  Then it could be hours or the next day I feel like the same old fat chick I once was.  This experience of WLS is a real mind freak, even more than I expected.  However, I do remember how my body felt heavier and what I couldn't do before that is much eaiser now.  So although you can't wrap your head around it now, try again tomorrow.

I do my best to remember so that I won't go back there.  But sometimes it's hard to do.  I still don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror, but then I didn't when I was 306 pounds either.  Denial I guess. 

I think that I look fine at my weight, but there are persistent family members that insist I need to put weight on every single time they see me.  This drives me crazy. 

Well the other day, I went away for a girls' trip to Key West.  My friend took lots of pictures and posted them on FB.  I was shocked to see how thin I did look, especially my legs  in bathing suits.  My torso is kind of thicker, but my legs look down right malnourished!  it made me rethink my weight, and I have given myself leeway to eat more of the junk foods.  Ironically, I have yet to put on any weight! 

The funny thing is that as soon as my clothes feel differently, my mindset changes, and I can't stand the thought of putting any weight on, so back to good behavior.  So I feel that we are all head cases, one way or another!