Mad at my SIL (long rant)

Ok so my husband and his sister are very close. Also both SMO. They go to lunch once a week which is a good thing as my husband works out of our home and needs to get out of the house.

So I recently did my SIL a big favor which was giving her a ride back to our rural area from airport 300 miles away. I was in the area for other reasons but delayed my return for 8 hours to meet her plane and spent an hour and a half trying to go 10 miles to get to the airport so we got home at 1 am instead of 4 pm if I hadn't met her plane.  She has lots of heath issues and is barely mobile so public transportation options would have been torture for her and she really was unable to drive herself for both physical and economic reasons.

So as we were driving back (late at night after I had been up since 5 am)  she thanked me for doing this and I really was glad to be able to help her but I asked her if she would do me a small favor. I asked that she "steer" the weekly lunches to someplace other than the all you can eat chinese buffet and instead go where you can order off a menu and at least have the chance at some  healthy choices. I asked this for my husband's sake as I know when he eats at buffets he eats way more as do all of us but if he orders off a menu he will often get a salad. I also asked her to not let him know I was asking this.

Well the very next week guess where they go eat!!  And she said to my husband "I get the feeling that Diane doesn't like it when we eat here". Gee, not only not do the favor but blab what I asked her not to. All she had to say is "I feel like eating at restaurant x today, lets go there" and my husband probably would have gone along. She herself is deeply addicted to food and has terrible health problems and has just decided she is going to die so she might as well eat and eat. This attitude has been going on for over 10 years. I can't change how she wishes to treat herself but I wish she would not encourage this with my husband and use him as her "pig out" buddy.

I also gave her a ride to the airport some weeks before though that time it was on my way and didn't involve an 8 hour wait so no big deal. But you think she could have respected this one request I made!!!?????!!!!

Ok, end of rant. I feel better now.    Diane

Ugh...that would be frustrating.

It sounds kind of like what we were talking about on the phone last night in regards to "eating buddies"...while I'm sure she does enjoy visiting with her brother, he probably is also serving as her eating buddy and she enjoys the all-you-can-eat aspect just as much as the visit itself.

Regardless though, it still seems a bit ridiculous because you didn't request they visit some health-food only restaurant and there are plenty of restaurants where she could order off a menu and still get her fix.

And if she couldn't give up the all-you-can-eat, she could have at least kept her trap shut! lol

Anyway, glad you feel better. That would have frustrated me too.

Lindsey

Diane, I am sure you are more then frustrated with this situation, but my guess is that by the time you are reading my reply you have worked through the basic anger and are now somewhere into the frustration of this whole situation.  You are frustrated that you can't change or even have an effect on the health of your husband.  I can only imagine how hard it is to sit by and watch the person you love eat themselves into a medical problem.  I wish I could tell you that you have options, that there is something you can say or do that would make a huge difference, but you know the truth yourself, this is his issue.  The most you can do is tell him again how much you love him and how scared you are that you will lose him because of the overeating.  You can share your fear and tell him that you are not asking him to change but to just support YOU in your fear and concern.  Really tell him what life would be like if you lost him and how much that scares you.  Ask him to hold you and don't ask for any changes from him.  Tell him that he is your best friend in the whole world and that only he can really understand your fears and concerns.  Make this about YOU not him.  Man are often hard wired to protect their loved ones.  This can be a beautiful thing and might motivate him to change his behavior. I know this sounds like you are manipulating him, but really you are not, you are just being very honest about your deepest fears.  I am so sorry you have to deal with this.  It must be very hard.  Call me if you want to talk further about it, or need to think it through out loud.

Elina you are so sweet. you are right of course. He already knows what I think about his overeating so i don't nag - just cook healthy. Doesn't help that he thinks i am too thin. 

But what really burned me was the SIL behavior. I don't think I was asking to much from her for this and I have done many favors for her and her husband on legal things and other things over the years. So I just had to let off steam as it seemed like a reasonable request. Oh well. will work on things as you have suggested. makes sense. thanks. Diane

Diane, just to play devil's advocate, I remember when I was struggling with my weight, I was SO SENSITIVE about it that even a seemingly reasonable request like yours would have seemed totally unreasonable to me.  So I do kind of understand how SIL might have been taken aback at your linking a favor to her (picking her up at the airport) with something so unrelated (giving up her favorite buffet date with your DH, presumably permanently).  The "fat girl" inside of me would still be tempted to rise up in righteous indignation and shout "You can't tell me where and what to eat!  If I'd known that was the deal, I'd have found my OWN way home from the stupid airport, thank you very much!!"  Not reasonable in any way, but that was totally how my mind worked back in those days.

As you said, she's deeply addicted to food, and to her your reasonable request probably didn't seem reasonable at all.

Hugs to you!  I'm so sorry you have to sit by and watch this happening!

yeah, you are right. she no doubt thinks I am a food nazi. she neglects her health in every possible way and is bent on self destruction and yet is one of the most kind and considerate people I know who works tirelessly for charities and always helps the unfortunate. Go figure. Probably just doesn't think its that big of a deal. Oh well. Can't change it. Not worth getting in a sweat over it. Diane

Yeah, I'm going to be a contrarian here. I do think your request was unreasonable. These are two adults and, if they want to eat at all-you-can-eat buffets, that is their decision. To ask her to change to benefit your husband is actually treating your husband like less of an adult and I'm sure you didn't mean to do that.

The only part I think she was out-of-line about was to hint that you had said something disapproving. That part was passive-aggressive of her. She should have kept the conversation private.

Well you do have a point. But she did promise me she would do this and brought up a whole lot of other restaurants they could go to and acted like she would be glad to do this. Oh well. nothing I can do about it but get over it. Diane

So she was being even more passive aggressive than it seemed.

I hate passive aggressive people!