Could use your honest input on this. A bit long.

Yesterday I spent the day with my mother doing some shopping for her upcoming wedding. I love her very much, but yesterday she confused the heck out of me. I need to be straightened out a bit, as this type of stuff plays with my mind and I have enough head games going on, I don't need more. Here is what she said to me in the span of a few hours.

1) She told me that I was starting to look gaunt and I would look better if I was 5-8 lbs. heavier. She said that she didn't want to rock the boat and so she didn't tell me this before, but from her point of view, aesthetics wise, not health wise, I am too thin. Never thought I would hear that, and it threw me as I have a great deal of respect for her sense of style and aesthetics.

2) Fast forward about an hour. We go out to lunch and I order a chicken and berry salad at Nordstroms. I ate half the salad and most of the chicken breast. I asked for the rest to be placed in a to go box. When we got home, I finished the salad and had a few bites of my mint chip protein ice cream. She looks at me and says, "Wow, you are going to eat again? Hold on, you are eating way too much food". What the heck? I am so very confused by the combination of these two statements. On one hand I am too thin, on the other hand I am a glotton. Make up your mind lady.

3) I know that I should not take her opinion too seriously as it is my body and my health, but I do, as I know there is no jealousy there and she does mean well, but it really played games with my mind. I am ashamed to admit that I ate over these thought and feelings last night.

What I ask of you is that if you don't know me in real life, please look at my profile for the latest pictures, ( I didn't post new ones, as I think I still look the same as the old ones), and tell me the truth. I am not looking for compliments here, just reality. Am I really too thin? My body image is all screwed up and I can't tell just by looking in the mirror. If you know me in real life, just go by what you have seen. I know that taste vary and beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and I am not arguing that my health is effected. Although she did through in "What if you got sick and needed a few extra pounds". I guess the conversation just threw me a bit, and I need my sea legs back in order to keep the right balance. I looked at a site that was posted on the main VSG board yesterday about seeing other people in our size, well there are not other people on that site in my size. I apologize if I sound whinny and like I need reassurance, but in truth I am feeling like I do need a reality check outside of my immediate family. Some unbiased but kind replies would be very appreciated. Am I really looking gaunt and unhealthy? Do I really need to gain a few pounds? Even Dr. C told me my goal weight would be 110 lbs. and I am 104 now. Did I overdo this thing, like I overdo many other things? I really started to question myself yesterday.

Hi Elina

Isn't it amazing how our mothers can push our buttons like no one else can! Just goes with the territory. My mom had a tallent for making me feel like crap with the tiniest remark.  Your mom's remarks were probably made with very little thought to their impact and therefore you should give them very little credence. You know a million times more about appropriate weight and eating than your mom ever will because of what you have been through and what you have learned. I have also been told I am too thin and yet I am within a couple of pounds of the insurance chart ideal weight and I bet you are too. Having met you recently, I think you look like a million bucks and are not too thin. I think you like the weight you are at as I like mine and so keep loving it and enjoying it.

some people think that at mid life its normal to add a few pounds and you should not be the weight you were at in high school. Yet if thats a good weight, no reason not to stay there. Getting older doesn't mean you have to get fatter. Its all about health anyway. Skinny people do live longer.

I have noticed more lines in my face since I lost weight since my jowlish face is sort of deflated and I don't like that and I think it makes me look older. Your mom may be used to a pudgy face on you and reacting to that. By the way, I am using retin-A now for the facial lines with good results. Like the stuff. Also, mothers have a way of remembering us as we looked some time ago (my mom does this) and may be interpreting normal changes over time as some negative thing connected to the weight loss when its just normal maturing.

So I absolutely do not think you weigh too little. Whats most important is are you happy at this weight and do you feel good? If so, its right for you. Your mom just doesn't understand how we might eat small amounts but more often to maintain and get proper nourishment.

As for Dr. C, he told me a higher goal weight and I lost more but he told me I am not too thin at the lower weight. I think he just thought the higher goal was what was realistic for me. And it would have been fine. And you would be fine with 5 or 10 more pounds but why do that if you like where you are. There is always room to gain weight and we all may pick up that 3 year 10 pounds someday.

I would ask your husband if he thinks you are too thin or your close friends. Mothers have a way of skewing things and remember we grew up with mothers who were maybe poor and wanted to feed feed feed their kids as a sign of good mothering. So try not to worry too much about your mom's comments. Tell her your weight is approved and monitored by your doctor and then change the subject. You really do look like the way most women aspire to look so don't waste a minute worrying about this and bask in your success. Too many of us wasted too much of our lives feeling bad about body issues and its time for all of us to put that behind us. We are slim and lets love it.

Hope your mom has a great wedding.

Diane

I know that you are probably right and it's true that nobody can push our buttons more than our mothers.  Normally I am just fine with my small size, but I really thought maybe I am just deluding myself since I don't really have a healthy body image.  I still can't tell how much space I will need when I walk around furniture and most clothes I pick out are way too big on me.  Of course most clothes ARE way too big on me no matter what size I get.  :)  I think my "smallness" freaks her out.  She is worried that I look fragile and so very tiny.  I asked my husband and he was much more relaxed about it.  He told me he thought I looked just fine now, but to not lose any more weight.  He also told me that I would look just fine if I gained up to 10 lbs. He said it's just up to me and what I want to do, and he's fine either way.  He does get a little worried when I drop past 102lbs.  I know you have heard the same type of comments from others and it can be a bit disconcerting.  On another note, I walked through Neiman Marcus yesterday and for the fist time all the salesladies were very attentive.  That never happened before surgery and I am not a regular shopper there, so I really noticed the difference in how I was being treated.  Sad but true.

I think you shouldn't take your mother's opinion seriously that there is just no much history in your relationship etc for her opinion to be unbiased.  I also think you should ask yourself how you feel ... do you feel good? Do you have to torture yourself either mentally or physically to stay below 105?  If so, maybe the weight is too low, otherwise its fine for you :-)

Ah, Elina..moms can have SUCH an impact without even realizing it...

No, you're not too thin. As you have heard me preach, it may become more difficult in the future to keep those five pounds off and then you'll be glad you have them to gain, if you know what I mean, rather than putting them on now. Hold the line as long as you can, and may that be forever!

I really think people who have known us heavy see us with different eyes. I was getting that "too thin" business a lot and then we moved to a town where nobody knows us. I have some new doctors and hairdresser, trainer, etc. I get a lot of "you look great, fit, young, slender", etc. They don't know I was ever heavy and so to them, I look like a naturally tall slender woman. I LOVE it! (My osteoporosis doc, whom of course I did tell that I'd been heavy most of my life and had surgery, keeps forgetting and telling me that I have osteoporosis because "tall thin women are the ones who are susceptible")

I haven't met you in person yet but from your pictures you look great! You've got curves and you don't look gaunt to me at all!

Lizanne

Thank you Lizanne.  It can be such a mind trip to work so hard on getting and maintaining this goal weight only to hear something like that from my Mom.  I love and respect her and I know that she has my best interests at heart which is why it is so hard to just dismiss her comments out of hand.  If this was a stranger or even a friend, I could think a of a million reasons they were off on this and would not even consider their opinion.  But this was the one person who knows me better than I know myself sometimes.  It really got under my skin.  I think you are right about the fact that maintenance gets harder with time and that it's great to have the few extra pounds in case I need them later. In order to keep this weight I need to stay vigilant, I am sure that my weight would increase markedly if I took my eyes off of  it for even a little while.  This is why this really upset me, I could feel my determination ebbing away and I need it to stay strong.  I hope this makes sense.  Thank you for your wise words.

 I'm being completely honest here, in my opinion, you are not too thin!  You are very curvy (lucky you) and look terrific.  A lot of people just have trouble wrapping their minds around seeing you much smaller and will eventually get use to it.  Trust your instincts.  Maybe talk to her again and tell her how you felt about her comments and ask her what she really meant.  Whatever it was, I'm sure it was meant with love!

I do not even need to look at your pictures and here is what I know that I know that I know.

You are comfortable at your stabilized weight (you know, when its not doing the bounce and wigging you). You FEEL BEST at that weight. You have not been given to sickness while you have been this weight.  Because of plastics and because you have a huge source of input, you do and can and WILL know how to put on weight with minimal input, because we can share that with you.  If you ever could not eat, it would not matter if you were 110 or your favorite weight - because you would HAVE to have a line put in to feed you.  6.2 pounds will NOT save your life in terms of getting sick and having a little weight to lose.

Do you see what I mean?

Mamas. They mean well. I do not buy the jealousy theory about much of anyone, but mama people, well, you know.

My sisters-in-love are all pocketysized like you.  They are lean and lovely and that's just who they are, how they are built, and how they feel best.

Again, honestly - 6 pounds is not going to save you if you get too sick to eat in the scheme of what is real and true in medicine and metabolics. 

Be sweet to you and do not carry her words as a burden.  You get to live in your body the rest of your days, you sure oughta be comfortable in it for as many days as you get.

So there's that!

Your point about 6 lbs. not being enough to save me if I needed the weight really resonates here.  They could put a pic line if they had too and I would not die of starvation.  Mom's are wonderful, I love, love maternal love, but sometimes my Mom's words carry so much baggage with them.  It is especially hard because this is one area of my life where I can't totally trust my inclinations.  I know that i can be blindsided here.

I've seen a lot more of you than most and I absolutely do NOT think you are too thin. I think you are perfect for your frame size and should stay exactly how you are. I would not put on any weight nor lose any weight just as you have been doing.