Hard times... (long)

I've been having some rough times lately and I'm finally ready to share what's going on and get some feedback.  For starters some of you may know that I'm working on my doctorate and have had a very rough year at school.  Lots of difficult professors and other related school dramas.

My husband had a nearly fatal heart attack on April 10th.  I was driving home from an outing when my husband called saying he was having chest pains, shortness of breath and could barely stand up.  Long story short he refused to call the paramedics but I called them anyway.. I was an hour away from him but he was going to wait for me to get home to take him to the ER.. sigh.  

Within 3 minutes of the paramedics getting there his heart stopped and he had to be defibbed.  On the way to the hospital they had to defib him two more times.  If I had not called the paramedics he would have been dead!  He had one artery that was 99% clogged which was stented in the emergency room.  Another one is 80% clogged, and another 20%, but they've decided not to stent his other arteries for now.

He is only 35 years old, but he has a strong family history of heart disease (many of his relatives dying of heart disease in their 40s), was a smoker, ate poorly, is overweight with very high blood pressure and bad cholesterol, and didn't exercise until recently.  He also has a very stressful job and isn't very good at managing his own stress.

So in the midst of all this happening, I was trying to finish up my school term so I didn't flunk out and had the WLS party to help with.  It was pure hell to get through it all but I made it. I took an incomplete in one class (will finish over the summer) and passed the rest by the skin of my teeth.  My husband is recovering from his heart attack and while we are still trying to get back on our feet financially, things are starting to normalize.

Well my marriage has been crumbling for years, long before I had VSG or he had the heart attack or anything else.  However the events of the past year have pushed us over the edge.  My husband and I have decided to get a divorce and without much room to breathe after my last crisis, I'm pushed into another one.

As you can imagine my eating has been difficult.  I've managed to stay low carb during this time but I have been eating much more frequently and much more of my methadone foods (sugar free choco, nuts, cheese, etc.).

Because of all the craziness in my life I just don't feel as if I can focus as much on weight loss but have to just focus on not gaining and sticking to low carb, which is second nature to me.  I just don't have the focus right now to be so strict.

I was proud of myself that the week my husband spent in the hospital, I still managed to cook my own food and bring it with me, and even tried to exercise by running in front of the hospital on the lawn with my son.

However the past month all of the things I've been going through have been catching up to me, and I feel the depression kicking in.  Mostly for me depression comes in the form of being angry or short; that's my way of expressing pain.  I'm also sleeping 10 hours a day now that my school term is over.

I've started on a regimen of St. John's Wort as this has helped in the past, but I am struggling to find motivation most days to get through yet another ordeal.  Any words of encouragement, support or advice are welcome especially those of you who have managed to go through an amicable divorce. 

If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading.  Hugs...

I do not have anything that would not sound trite, even to me babybean, and I do not hurt so.

You are loved, you work hard, you are appreciated.

Someday it will be better, but today its just ****

*squeeze*

You could never be trite my Dearest Brandilynn.  Thanks for the squeezes.

 I am so sorry to hear of all that you are going through. There is little anyone can say that will ease your pain but I just had to say...WOW..I bet it is hard to get out of bed...I think that you have a reasonable plan, with reasonable expectations. 

You will be in my thoughts and it is my wish for you that this difficult time passes quickly only to reveal a brighter future.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS!!!!!!!!!))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for the hugs.  I haven't let myself get to the point of it being hard to get out of bed yet... trying not to let it get to that point.   I think the fact that I've been pushing myself to do anti-depression activities like venting with friends, tanning salon and exercise when I can manage it have helped me plus the St. John's wort.  I'm just keeping an eye on it so it doesn't get too out of hand.

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine. I'm familiar with the PhD path and I'm always here if you need to vent. Getting a doctorate sucks. It is one of the most difficult things to go through because it is so exhausting to deal with people that make you feel like crap all the time. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done; it threw me into depression for at least a year or so (I needed meds and therapy to deal with it). That part I completely get.

and then you add to that all of the other stuff, big hugs to you. I can offer no advice on that, but I am here for support.

Hang in there and do your best to take care of you. We'll be here to help out.

Yes it is incredibly hard, and even harder because I was almost finished with another program, but then started from the very beginning when I realized my specialization was all wrong for me and I wasn't at the level of competency I needed to be either (major mid-life career switch). 

 So I've been working on it for a very long time, and working full time and I have a 6 year old as well.  Seriously difficult. Could you please share which kinds of meds you used and your experience with them?  I've always gone the natural route but am toying with the idea of meds.  I'm afraid of all the side effects and other potential issues but I'm nearly at the point of getting help with meds.

I've been continuing on the St. John's wort and trying to exercise, sleep well and go to the tanning salon; all things that help with depression.  The catch 22 is that it is hard to motivate yourself sometimes to DO the things that will help with the depression. 

It's like how do you get to the point of being motivated to exercise when you just don't want to.  I've managed to get myself to exercise a few times but it's like wading through concrete some days to find the motivation. Hugs..

Don't give up on the natural route just yet. Try some L-phenylalanine. 1500 mg should do it, on an empty stomach and 30 minutes before eating protein. Check it out though because there are some precautions. It works fast, 2-3 days you should be feeling better, Added benefit, it supresses your appetite. Tyrosine is also recommended, but it makes me a little anxious...the last thing I need.

So sorry you are going through all of this right now. You will get through to the other side of it and will have new awakenings about the situation. You will be free to find a new partner that may be more suited to the self that is going through major transformations. Sometimes difficult times can be blessings in disguise. (Ok, don't throw anything at me...ducking now)

Take it easy on yourself, you can retire the superwoman costume (we all think you are!) for a while and just pamper yourself and tell yourself how marvelous you are every day. School is out for the summer, right?

Thank you so much!  I had forgotten about L-phenylalanine and have just ordered some.  I'm not ashamed to say that I need help right now to get through this.  I'm just afraid of the Rx drugs as I have heard some horror stories and I almost feel like having to deal with some symptoms of drugs would just add to my problems if it turned out that I had some bad side effects.

But if things get worse and the natural stuff doesn't help enough I will have to try the Rx stuff.  So far it seems to be helping now that I have kept up my routine of herbals, exercise and tanning, but sometimes it's struggle to do the routine.

I've been building up on the St. John's Wort as it takes a few weeks to work like other anti-depressants.  School is out for the summer thank goodness, but it feels like I didn't even get a breather between crises.  I love the idea of something that would help me with my depression as well as my appetite too, although I haven't tried L-phenylalanine before.  I hope it works for me.

I have known it was time to move on with my relationship for a long time now, but it took a lot to actually face the reality of dealing with it.   I'm so weary and have so much to fight in my life, with school and work and weight loss struggles and all of that.

Sadly sometimes I feel as if I want to explain why my weight loss just can't go any faster right now.  I'm barely surviving my life right now and managing to tread water, let alone trying to get ahead.  Thank you for the idea and I will let you know how it works for me.

Maybe this is more appropriate for a PM, but it might help others who are afraid to post so I'll leave it public.

I needed meds because my problems were just so severe and interferring with school. I just couldn't function. I slept all of the time and I didn't eat (one of best things! ha!). I literally just laid in bed all day long. I totally get the no motivation because that was me. One thing I remember was that I didn't do laundry for like 8 weeks. Can you imagine? and trying to catch up on 8 weeks worth of laundry after you feel better? UGH. Almost enough to throw you back into depression! It's one of signs I look out for now though: if I start to feel bad and I wonder if I might be relapsing, I look at my laundry pile. If it is merely a week or two's worth or so, I'm good. :)

For me, I did the best with an SNRI (serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor, Effexor XR). I don't recall the side effects being bad, but it was a while ago, obviously nothing memorable to have me warn others off of it. I was also having some social anxiety issues so I did therapy (CBT) to help with that as well as the depression. I needed meds for maybe 9 months? a year? CBT did wonders for me. That, too, was HARD. But goodness, it really works.

Mad props to you for doing a doctorate while working full time and raising a family! Please give yourself credit!!! I only had myself to worry about and I barely made it. You are super impressive!

LMK what else I can offer. I'm here to help!