anger and sadness sabotaging me....I don't know how to let it go.....any advice?

First, I apologize this is so long. I just don't know where else to go.

The story......when my parents died over 10 years ago, they left my older brother and me their house, which was paid off and worth about $200,000. My brother and sister-in-law moved from Texas to move into the house, and at the time, we decided I would just stay on the title as co-owner. Over the years they took out a $50,000 loan to fix some things up. Well, my brother apparently hasn't been paying on that loan, and the house went into foreclosure. This means that my half, $100,000, is GONE, along with the house I grew up in. He's apologized, and made excuses, and generally acted like an idiot, but none of that helps me. The equity in that house was the one thing I knew I had to fall back on if my family ever had an emergency, and now it's all gone. Along with the memories I'd hoped would stay in my family for years to come.

The anger and sadness I've been feeling for weeks now are threatening to sabotage everything I've done since my surgery. For the most part I've gotten my emotional eating under control, but this ONE thing has proven to be almost too much. My brother knows how much he's hurt me, but I'm too nice of a person to throw it back in his face, or yell, or act mean, or any of that stuff. My brother is the only family I have left, and I don't have it in me to jeopardize that.

Does anyone have ANY advice? I'll be glad to take it. 

thanks for listening.

I'm sorry you've been put in to a situation like this.  Family & money/houses/loans never mix.  Sadly, you know this well by now.  Frankly, I wouldn't just forgive & forget.  What's left on the loan?  Just 50k?  Anyway to get your brother to sign all ownership over to you, and you can get a loan to pay it off & stop the foreclosure?  Then you could be sole owner, kick his butt out & stay or sell.  Or is it officially too late? 

The bottom line though is it's just a house... it's just wood & brick.  Stuff.  You are more important than a house.  You are more valuable than stuff.  At the end of the day, you are all you have... even if your parents were still alive.  You have to take care of you.  You've come too far and accomplished too much to go down this slippery slope.  And you know that's the last thing your parents would want.

I COMPLETELY agree with what fatguyinalittlecoat said.  I too have had family drama over things like this...my brother is a major jerk and we no longer talk.  The best revenge as my cousin told me is living well...and being happy!  So do that.  You have done too much and put too much into this journey to not fight hard for it.  I would try to get the house back as fatguy suggested in his reply..and then remember you are more important than any house!  Good luck to you.  Maybe it isnt' too late to save some of the house for you....but either way...you take care of you!  I know this is a hard one..I am sorry.

Patty

Are you saying that he kept you in the dark and no one at the mortgage company notified you of any of this even though your name is on the paperwork as co owner?
Was he able to get a loan against the house without you signing any paperwork?
I am so sorry that this has occurred. It just doesn't seem right. I think I would get a lawyer. It does not seem like they could take it back so quickly without regard to your rights as co owner. You should have some legal recourse.
I think that you should have an attorney to look out for your interests in this, and since your brother has not tried to look out for your or even his own interests in all this, I don't think I would consult him about the outcomes, just see what can be done to get your property protected.
Best of luck. I will pray for a good result for you.

I wish I knew what to tell you about this. I'm in a similar boat but much worse.. I have someone in my life I am VERY angry at (for similar financial reasons among others) and it really effects my mood every day and my ability to take care of myself.

I know that the anger is not good for me but I can't help it because I am so hurt and it feels so unfair and I can't escaspe it easily. I know it's easy to say, hey the anger is hurting me so why not just stop, but it's not that easy. There are a few things I do to deal with anger that help me deal with it but they don't make the anger go away.. just not feel it so strongly and not stuffing it:

- Boxing - I go to the gym and I punch the punching bag. I think about all the things I am angry about and I take them out on the punching bag. I've also done this on the treadmill.. just vented by running as fast and as long as I could.

- Take Saint John's Wort. Sometimes I'm so upset or angry it is hard for me to take care of my responsibilities. I just want to sit down and cry or scream or yell. I am unpleasant to be around at those times. Like this morning I had to go to work and I was just so angry, I was not sure how I would get through the day. So I take the SJW and it lifts my mood up a bit, so I can get through the rough patch. I'm still angry, it's just not debilitating anger.

- Call a friend and vent. I just tell a friend I need to vent so they know not to offer advice, and then i just verbally spew out the anger.

- Clean my house.. I just go into a fit and get my house as clean as possible as an outlet for the negative energy I feel.

The important thing is to not stuff the anger with food.. then you just have two problems. I know, easier said than done right? Hugs...

This is pretty rough. Hard to accept that your only brother did such an irresponsible thing even if his motives were not dishonerable. Since you have had a big financial loss here, you should ask your brother to sign a promissory note to you for what he owes you and secure it with whatever assets he has. He may not be able to pay it today or anytime in the forseeable future, but the document should be in place so that if he ever does come into any money or God forbid, passes away unexpectely, your interests are protected. Sad that this happens in families but its common. If he is truly remorseful he should welcome the chance to try to make some of this right. STill can't figure out how they got into this but there it is. He should at least own up to it and sign the note. His wife too. Taking action is one good way to deal with anger which other wise may fester.

Sublimate had good ideas on ways to cope and any form of exercise or taking action of some sort is a good stress reliever. And taking action and renewed effort on your weight loss will also make you feel better and more in control. He may have damaged you financially but don't let him get your health too. And take the time now to put together whatever pictures and family memories that youdo have in a scrapbook or something so you have that. Compose a lengthy letter to your brother and his wife on how this has hurt you and what it means and what they can do. You need not ever send it but just setting it out may help you work through it.

GL. Sorry this is happening. Hope you feel less angry soon .  Diane

Honestly, this story as you tell it doesn't add up.  Even if the house were sold in a foreclosure sale, there should still be proceeds from that sale if the house was worth $200,000 and your brother owed only $50,000.  The equity doesn't just disappear in a foreclosure!  My advice is to talk to a lawyer and look into this a bit further.

I understand you are hurt........we (people) hurt the ones we love...most.  It doesn't sound intentional.....and he seems genuinely sorry....he made a mistake/poor decision........It happens.  Money IS important.....and it sucks....that it impacts you financially.  But.....the damage from holding on to anger/resentment.....cannot be measured.....monetarily. 
     You need to decide....if it is worth the stress  of feeling like this.  I find a lot of power....in forgiveness.  It is NOT easy.....and takes time!  It will take time.....to heal from this....and for him to EARN....back the trust/respect....you may have lost for him. 
    I think the best thing to do......is let him know how you feel.....tell him how hurt you are...and how angry....but you are working on forgiving him.......and it WILL take time for your "relationship" to heal from this.  Tell him you love him....and always will....unconditionally....but right now....you are angry....and upset at his actions....and how they impact your life.
    I don't let things like this...."destroy"  my relationship.....with my family/friends......just not worth it to me.  But I do let them know that what they did was wrong....and it hurt me....and it will take time for me to forgive their actions. 
     I cannot imagine cutting a sibling out of my life for a billion dollars!  My relationships are priceless to me........sounds like this is worth much more to you than 100K.  Forgiveness is one of the best gifts you can give to yourself....IMHO.  Good luck!