Changing Relationships

I'm sure you've all been through this.  What do you do about changing relationships?  My sister and I have always been FB buddies, and email each other multiple times a day.  We live 1000 mile apart, so that's how we keep in touch.  She was always the thin and pretty one, I was the DUFF.  We are in our 50's now, she's gained weight over the years, but I was still always the fat one.  Now that I've been sleeved, I weigh much less then her and I think I look OK for a 55 y/o.  She NEVER asks me how the WL is going.  She almost never answers my emails.  I've asked her what's wrong several times and she responds that she's very busy and seems angry.  I try to not mention my new found physical condition, I don't know how to mend this relationship.  I am going down to New Orleans in June to visit her for a week, I just hope it's not a disaster..Any thoughts????

Hi, JUST {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}!

I have lost several long almost lifetime friendship's when I lost my weight.  I don't know if it is jealousy or if we really only had food in common.  Those relationships ended when the other person was nasty about my size.    I am firmly in middle of the healthy range per my doctor.

I am just now after 2 1/2 years getting back to where my sister and I are friends again, she was very standoffish and actually a little mean - until she had a life changing event and needed my support.  This attitude went on for about a year, now I am back to her awesome sister. 

What I did during that time was try to remain the same person I always was, but I did not call her - I left it up to her to contact me - after she was snarky - several times when I called her.   We are only 45 miles apart so we talk on the phone usually twice a week. 

I hope time helps your sister's attitude - she is having to adjust the way she thinks of you.  Some people have a harder time changing their thinking than others.

Di...

Thanks Di.  I really miss chatting with her.  I guess I'll just have to leave it in her court and wait it out.  I see you have the same surgeon as me.  I sent her one of his weekly question and answer You tube posts and she told me she thought he was shady!!!  Hummpp. 

If she mentions that again, just tell her he so so much better in person.  I wish we could get the same treatment here by our doctors as we got with Dr. Alvarez.  I would go to him again in a heartbeat if I needed to.

Di.

I hear ya.  Dr. Alvarez was wonderful.  I've read so many posts by people who were sleeved in the States through insurance, and they seem to have a lot of pain and problems.  I don't know about you, but I was close to 100% as soon as I woke up.  I think the health care system up here could learn a lot from Dr. A and his staff!  I love him.  I'd do again and again if I had to. 

Just be open and honest when you see your sister and don't bring up the weight just bring up your FEELINGS about missing your chats and emails and basically your sister.  If she is jealous because of the new roles you now have DO NOT mention it.  If she wants to come to you and talk about it then fine but just focus on all that you miss.  This is more then a "friendship" it's your sister and I would LIKE to think you can get past it.

Ms Shell

I was very lucky in that everyone in my life has been nothing but supportive but I could see how this would be very hard for you. 

Ms Shell gave some good advice and I would add just like it takes us time to get our heads wrapped around our new bodies *** so to speak) it would make sense that a family member who might also have weight issues could take some time adjusting.

good luck to you, big hugs!

Marie, I am very sorry you are going through this.  It seems very small and petty on her part, after all, this is a lifelong relationship.  I think the important thing for you is to remember that you can only control your half of this.  There might be nothing you can do but be there for her and give her time to adjust to a new reality.  I agree with Ms. Shell, I would not bring up the elephant in the room unless you want it to sit on you.  If she doesn't bring it up, she is not ready to deal with it.  I would bring pictures from your childhood and youth to talk and reminisce about.  I would bring up all the good and bad times you went through together and I would tell her how you wish you had another hundred years to be her sister.  This should remind her that time is fleeting and you can't waste it being petty.  Show her rather then tell her how much you love her.  Maybe bring a little present or something thoughtful.  Give her many hugs.  Basically, surround her with love and kindness and make her feel needed and important. 

 My sister and I are very close, and had the same physical dynamic that you describe--she was always smaller than me. Not thin, but smaller.

I have to say that she was never unsupportive. She was a really excellent listener, and has always been 'there' for me, even when we lived in different states. 

That said, I did notice that at a certain point in my weight loss, people began to compare us, and I know that it bothered her. How could it not? One person even came out and said, "How's your sister taking it now that YOU'RE the small one?" And there was definitely a part of me that felt like I'd been punched in the throat. I felt ridiculously guilty, and got really defensive with people about it.

I began to get overly sensitive when I tried on new clothes around her, and I had one of those horrible flash back moments when I remembered that I had even asked her for clothes that she no longer fit into. I just wasn't thinking about her, or her feelings, or how she was coping now that I'd stripped us of our Big Sister/Little Sister roles.

I think what I'm saying is, you are the one losing the weight, but friends and family can be effected to. Roles change. We change. We have to change! I am NOT saying it's your job to make them "OK." You're not responsible for how they feel. I'm just pointing out that this kind of change, especially when the dynamics are so ingrained, can cause some tension.

She's probably avoiding you because she's feeling some things she's not proud of, and doesn't know how to verbalize them or share them with you without feeling like a psycho monster. 

I really don't think your trip will be a disaster. Go with an open heart, and have an open dialog. The conversation may be painful, but you just have to let her feel how she feels.
And if you can't get her to open up, just sit together, have some wine or some tea, talk about things you've shared, and remind her that you're still the same sister she always had. 

Don't ask whats wrong, just help her remember what's right. 

She'll come around. 
You guys have shared a whole life together, she'll get passed this.

Abby

I agree with Elina and Abby.  Just focus on the memories and your relationship and not what hasn't been right. 

Make an effort not to mention your weight loss, the size you wear now, etc.  Just focus on your sisterly love and have sisterly fun together.

It will help her remember what's important.  Remember, this is HER problem not yours.  She has to get past it, but your behavior will help her do that. 

My family and friends have been very supportive.  But I try not to bring up the topic unless they ask.  Both of my brothers are obese, as are their wives.  I love them all so dearly and I know my younger brother wants to have surgery, but just can't afford it.  He has been asking my advise about weight loss and stalls, as he is trying his best to lose weight without the tool of WLS. 

I also avoid the subject around my friends.  I guess because I know some of them can harp on one topic over and over until I get sick of hearing it....so I'm sure they would feel the same if that's all I talked about.  I let them bring it up and then I try to keep my response short and sweet. I know if they want to know more, they'll ask.

One last thing....when your sister sees you, just give her that big hug and don't let yourself feel slighted if she doesn't mention your weight loss.  Just remind yourself that she is the one struggling with it and understand why she is not bringing up the subject.