Why not too - "If I could save you a huge hunk of heartache"

Good post Brandi darlin'.  I am not transparent.  I could hide in a hole all day and eat if I let myself.  It's hard for me to come on here and share.  I always think people don't like me.  But I know that I need to put myself out there sometimes so I don't fall back into old habits.  All this "sharing" isn't me, but I try and participate anyway for my own sake.  I know it's good for me.  And people like you help to make it easier.  Thank you dear.

Laura

I have a huge long streak of folks do not like me too!!  Funny, that.  Well, not really, but you know what I mean, the isolative mindpoke. 

You have a good heart and a lot to share, my Laura.  I would offer to thump anyone who was not kind to you, but, well - you got the musckles to thump someone if you need to! 

*squeeze*

There are sometimes when I say its better to sit through the misery getting towards whatever the "freedom" is, than it is to keep doing the thing and being miserable.. This was one of those days.  They are not so acutely suffocating, and the voices in my head can generally be quelled by "no, not now" especially when I feel COMPELLED to do X thing - but they are not always, and sometimes I have to have a conversation with myself about what is happening..

Feeling bingey, itchey, restless in my skin..

Post Date: 10/19/10 1:31 pm

And Bra Reccomendation!  This was a blog of mine from my first year, I had just gotten to essentially where goal was and was having a hell of a time finding a bra that I did not have wierd bra overhang in!  :}  By the by, the bra is a Body by Victoria - they have multiple CUTS and are glad to sell you a size larger in the chest than you are "supposed" to wear, if that's what keeps the backflaps from happenin!

Also - this "self talk" that I do.. of course I learned in years of therapy, but honestly, it took the sleeve to take away my panicked hunger to have ROOM and TIME to talk to myself, between the trigger and the self soothing.  And I also (cant shut up about and) reccommend some cognitive behavior books, to help with self talk.  We do not have to think everything that drops into our heads, but when we have for so long - its a challenge to learn a different conversation.

And our words to ourselves matter, even more than other's folks' words to us matter, because we only make those words our "truth" by reapeating them to ourselves, over and over.

Granted, this does not apply to everyone, and not everyone is like me, but for anyone who is even a little like me?  Maybe a glimpse into an itchy/ugly feeling/scene can be helpful.

Or maybe not !  Either way - peace out clownz.  Keep on keeping on!

Post Date: 1/3/10 3:28 am
Soooo..

Yesterday started out groovus enough, took a long trip to Tom Shane to get my wedding ring resized so I will not keep flicking it off my fingers at people when I get excited and talk with my hands.  :}

Came home, lunched, napped a wee bit - and went to Dillards because I heard they do bra fitting and I desperately need some input - the B cups I have have too much room in them, and A cups - well they are just silly and all my redundant boob spills out the side!  Garr!

Anyway I get in there and the lady brings some bras - bigger band than I would have thought - my chest is a 34, but she brought 36 = but hey..whatever works - and she says I need a B cup, okay - whatever works.

Well - these *****es are TIGHT and she is pinching my underarm breast to mash them into the cup and its NOT comfortable and I thought to myself - honey, I was this uncomfortable in my Boomalatti Bras - I sure as **** am not going to be this uncomfortable in my minus 100+ pounds bras!!  

And then I look in the mirror in the back, and there is all this backfat spilling over the top of the bra, so I have back boobs, NUH UH!!!  I tell her, this is NOT attractive - what other options do I have?  I am not paying 60 bucks for this and feeling MORE self conscious about people touching my back than I used to - no way, no HOW.   Then she says to me..

wait for it..

*Honey, you just need to firm up a bit." 

And I thought "***** you do not know how close you are to a royal ass kicking."   *chuckle*

So she says " well the Spanx might be better for you" so I try them on, and for the full coverage need to go up a cup - and then I think - how freaking big WERE my boobs 100+ pounds ago and I was cramming them into C cups?  *gasp*  Anyway - the Spanx worked nicely, but while she was out and I am in my jeans and bra, in the very bright triple mirrored dressing room - I can see that my hair is thin (course nobody would notice but me - but still), that my graces (my grey hairs) are a nice huge stripe down the middle (trying to figure out - should I just color and keep my hair tied back, I REALLY have been working to grow it out - or just get the **** cut off in a pixie and let my natural graces come in to see if I really like them?  What what what!?) 

We are going to a wedding next weekend, so after my special time with the bra fitting lady, and nothing seemed appropriate for an afternoon wedding in a Catholic church.   I also work from home, so even if I get a nice work dressy outfit - its not going to be out of the closet again until the next wedding most probably, so - its hard for me to justify spending googobs of cash on something I wear, meh, once a year.  (everyday?  Yes! - Once a month?  Yes - an appliance YES! - once a year?  NOt so much).  Cute stuff with too many sequins, black stuff (its an afternoon wedding, and I know some brides get tetchy if you wear black - so that's off limits). 

So then I go to Ulta, I go and grab the Nixon I think is my best hair type, I go to the front - there is a huge line - I say to me "you do not NEED this babyB, put it back, use up the shampoo you have, get a hair cut and a color, or whatever, this will be here later IF you need it."

So I put it down, I walk out of the store, I walk to my car and I have racey thoughts, and a tight feeling in my chest - like somehow if I go and BUY that stupid Nioxin, everything will be FINE.. I walk back to the store (in the freezing cold!) and go to the back, pick the shampoo, up, watch myself "make a deal" with me and justify how buying BIG bottles of it will be as cheap (not so) as the trial pack I was going to get ANYWAY, and watch me pick up the big bottles.   Walk to the front and then think - WTF ARE YOU DOING GIRLIE?  PUT IT DOWN, YOU DO NOT NEED TO SPEND ANY MONEY ON THIS RIGHT THIS MINUTE - THE ANSWER IS NO, NOT TODAY"

Soooo..  I put it down, and literally jog back to my car to get me the hell out of there.  I think - I should stop by Wal-Mart and get myself some black pants to go with a shirt I already have.. so I head towards Wal-Mart  and then think NO - YOU NEED TO GO HOME RIGHT NOW.. YOU DO NOT NEED TO SPEND ANY MORE MONEY FEELING LIKE THIS..NONE.

My face is breaking out, and I am so itchy in my skin, I tell me its okay that I feel like this, its hormones, its normal, I am not a freak of nature, nothing is wrong with me, I HAVE done hard work, and I am MUCH firmer than I would be if I had not been lifting - so be sweet to me and stop talking smack and recognize when I am headed for trouble and go home and wewax!

So, I GET home and try and nap again, and find I can hardly sit still.  I want to cruise and see what teas are available on Celestial Seasonings, so I can get some - insert conversation that I had about the Nioxin and pants here.    I look on Amazon to see if I can get a better deal on Spanx, I can - insert conversation AGAIN.   I GET IN THE CAR AND DRIVE HALFWAY TO WALMART arguing with myself the whole time, before I pull over and tell myself softly

You need to go home, and find another way to deal with feeling like this.  If you feel bad and bingey, THIS WILL NOT FIX IT.    Its just a feeling, and its not going to HURT you to have it.  FEELINGS WILL NOT KILL YOU.   Go home, write this down, take a hot shower, make yourself some sugar cookie tea, practice just being uncomfortable in your skin because it WILL happen, but you need to NOT get stuck on retail therapy, or binging in ANY OTHER MANNER.   Get it?   You did this to GET HEALTHY, not to compound other latent addictions.

Move along, go home.

And So, I DID.

And of course, that day came on the tail of HandsomeFaceFella and I having a converation about how I felt more balanced than before, how much calmer I was, less moody than before, says he.  *chuckle* 

So, maybe it was just a chance to WALK my TALK.   And know what?   I had to fight buying some more tea last night (but its ONLY tea!!! it does not cost THAT MUCH) because I told me, its not the WHAT, B, it is not how much it costs me - its my habits that I am building.   If every time I am uncomfortable, my body learns that it can spend money - then I have not learned how to deal with me.  LIke it used to binge on food - its looking for something else - and for the first months after surgery, I would use this time to exercise, but now?  Now I am working on being more "grown up" in my dealings with my feelings.   They are okay to just HAVE.   If I *expect* them and am prepared with soothing things to do (hot shower, hot tea) then maybe, just maybe, it can be like a robber who comes in, but I do not have to be all freaky, because I already have the cops there.

Hello anxious thoughts, I was expecting you - and you are welcome to go now - here - let me escort you on out the door. 

Right?  Right.   So here was an EXCELLENT chance for me to deal with a lady who was ignorant of how much work I had done on my body so far, and a body that was full of anxt because of hormones, coupled with my reaction to the lady's ignorance, and fighting off trying to find itself a way that it knew to distract me from my feelings (shopping - since eating and drinking are non options) and my redirecting it.

And I did okay.   I recognized that it came on the heels of a conversation where I had waxed poetic on feeling balanced and sane (chuckle = Maybe God said - really girlie?   are you REALLY that balanced and sane?  Lets give you a chance to practice what you preach!) and in the past, I found I hated to talk about weight loss, or things I had done well, because it seemed I would sabotage myself the very next day, or very soon after - maybe to keep me humble?  Who knows -

Anyway, all of that to say - the UMS (ugly mood swings) they come - they go.   Please be on guard with yourself.  I see so many folks who "knew" they had it all down pat - and 2 years, 3 years out either start to gain weight back, or worse, find themselves with a drinking problem, gambling problem, shopping problem - some raging transfer addiction. 

Healthy, happy and WHOLE.   I wish this for us, this coming year and beyond. 

And high ******g five to me for making good/better/best choices yesterday and just sitting with my icky itchy self!  *high five*

*** Epilogue

Man that was a crappy damned day.  But for me.. cycling through some books, helps me keep my head in the game.  I need to, because I really did have this to be healthy, happy, and whole ya know?  

At a year and a half out - I have much fewer of those days anymore.  HOORAY! :}  But this is still what I need to do - have a CONVERSATION with me about the feelings I have, and not DO whatever the thing is I feel so urgently I need to do.  The more I kick that urgent kneejerk to the curb, the less strong it gets.  I has not GONE AWAY, but it gets less urgent, and I can recognize it and mentally escort it on its way better than if I just nursed it, ya know?

Also edit to add - Victorias Secret was where I ended up getting bras - they measured me and then the lady brought me several different cuts of bra.  I like the Body By Victoria, no wire padded one!  (because my B Cups are "b cups" :}