I am about to cut myself some slack...

Hi There,

Just need (want) to express a few things...

No matter how bad I eat, I seem to be maintaining here around the 150 lbs mark.  This is with eating out more, eating tons of junk food, and drinking some rum sometimes...

So, once again, my Sleeve will not allow me to get out of control.

I am struggling AGAIN, and want to stop the madness.  I think I am going to change a few things and give myself a temporary break.

This is going to get long... sorry, need to express...

1.  I felt absolutely fantastic at my lowest weight of 142 lbs.  And I was maintaining quite easily around there before Christmas came.  My dream is to get back to that weight and maintain there.
2.  However, I admit, I never did get to the 'perfect' I was looking for, and realized I never would.  I carry extra weight in my tummy and thighs and realize no matter how thin I go, I always will carry some extra there.
3.  At my lowest weight, I could wear anything and feel fantastic, and super slim.
4.  At my lowest weight I had some skin issues.  A saggy chin, bum and upper thighs.
5.  At my current higher weight, with a BMI of 20.6 (which is still incredible) I don't feel nearly as slim, I can't wear certain things, or my tummy really shows, especailly sitting down, and now I have some back fat up by my bra line again.
6.  However, my excess skin is basically gone, no more sag under the chin, no more sag on my upper thighs and almost only one bum, with almost no bum flaps.
7.  I am going to give myself a break for a bit...  I am out of control.  Rather than get control by 'dieting' and failing again and again... I am going to maintain here for a bit.
8.  I am going to change my weight range, and try to maintain here, until I get control, until I get into a rountine again, until I get healthy.
9.  At some later date, if I want to lose back down to where I was, good, if not, good... I will make that choice when I am ready.
10.  Is this a cop out?  Have I given in?  Am I setting myself up for failure?  Is this logical and wise? 

I want to be skinny, but in my quest for skinny, I am struggling.  I am under stress in my life right now, and need and want to focus on some other things...

So if cutting myself some temporary slack will help me, that is what I am going to do.  I know what I want, I just don't have it in my right now to get it... and I beleive that should ok...

Any thoughts or comments are welcome.  Thanks for listening...

Hugs,

Cindy

Girliegirl, I think you need an even keel.  You are swinging wildly between restrict and whole hog, and while its not showing on the scale (and the next part of that might be ... "yet") its definitely wearing down your heart.

Sometimes to make good decisions for ourselves, if we can get quiet and have a bit of peace, then we can see clearly.  If we are busy trying to MAKE things be some way - sometimes we miss the whole lesson - because we were not being open and teachable, we were willing something to be. 

I guess too something is - the issue of less extra skin versus thinnness - maybe really search and see which is really more comfortable for you? 

Only YOU know if its a cop out babygirl.  Sometimes a person gets weary and needs a minute to rest before they can make good decisions on the route for the rest of the journey. 

Your binging is a form of unkindness to you babygirl, please be a sweet friend to you and treat yourself well.  The tool of your sleeve is there and is not going anywhere - but old self-destructive behaviors are slipping back in.  Your sleeve will not leave, but you can undo everything with being self destructive.

And yes, I too, believe that cutting you some slack so you can get back on an even keel should be okay. 

So, please let it be okay!!  *squeeze*

So why don't you just focus on you then (meaning you as a whole vs just your weight).  Sounds like you have other life things going on.  So why not focus on "good for you" ways to manage the stress. That may help get you back to your center.  

Not managing stress can be one of the worst things for a person.  So when you are stressed, think about taking a walk, meditating or something else that you enjoy or calms you.  

If you can do that, the rest (meaning all aspects of your life) may come back into balance.

I think its fine to want to stop "dieting"  your struggling with it, you always have since you hit maintenence.. but i still think you have to also realise that "not dieting" should not mean eating out drinking and consuming junk food at home just when ever, That is still allowing the old cindy back in and it will be only harder to reign in the longer you do it.. You may be able to hold your weight at 150 for a few weeks but how long doing that before you will see it climb even higher.?
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I think its important to realise that the way we ate before surgery was,is, or never will be normal. even done in smaller portions for most of us its just not normal to eat junk all the time. yes there are people that can do that but they are not the normal either..

most things i have read online about maintaining is that people need to be on plan 90% of the time.. but being on plan is not dieting, its just following set of guidlines to help them maintain.
It also means that even though they are not "dieting" they still have to watch or monitor what they eat most of the time and that is being normal... that is not dieting its just setting limits

 what i think you should consider is setting up a maintence plan. a simple one, that cindy can live with, one that allows for cindy to go out have a few drinks, once a week, one that allows cindy to have pizza, or go out and have dinner.. even make your plan flexable so if you need to go out on " x" day with a client you can change it from "y" day so it can include your drinks if you want to..

make your daily diet to include your tortilla,your pb, rasins... maybe your m&ms you can have every 2nd day so its not a every day thing, but its only waitng til tomorrow and its only something you eat if your doing when walking so you cant bring them home with you or have if you skip the walk.

whether you call it a cheat day, or date night, or dont call it anything specific.. just to get in the habbit of making the off plan day only 10% of the time... if you plan it for once a week that anything goes drinks,pizza what ever, then back on plan the next day... You should be able then to go out and live with out being on a diet per say. and knowing that anything you desire you can have on your off day plan.. If you decide to do it at home only bring in enough for one day so there is nothing left over to continue on with...

This way nothing is off limits or banned, but your choosing to do it one day a week so your not out of control so you have some boundaries til it becomes your new normal.

"I think its important to realise that the way we ate before surgery was,is, or never will be normal. even done in smaller portions for most of us its just not normal to eat junk all the time."

I think that will be my mantra to stay on track.  Very well said!

That said, I think that If 150 isn't comfortable for you, but losing is a struggle, maybe your body is telling you that 150 poundsis where it wants to be.   Like Mini said, though.  Watch closely!  If you are maintaining at 150 by eating loads of junk food, then that's not  a good thing, because it WILL catch up to you, just like it did before WLS. 

It seems like you may be slipping back into old unhealthy  habits due to some other stress factors in your life...where food is comfort and the way in which you deal with those stressors.  Veggies and fruit aren't comfort food, but when the urge to eat hits you, try them instead.  It may be the action of eating rather than what you are eating that will help calm you.

Allow yourself  treats only 10% of the time (like Mini said).  But not 10% of your day.  Make it 10% of the week.  Because 10% of each day could add up to enough calories over a week's time to cause a gain.   500 extra calories each day will add a pound in a week.  It's pretty easy to add 500 extra calories - a brownie, piece of cake, chips/dip, etc.   Funny how we all know what to do, but years of bad habits sneak in when we aren't looking. 

Go back to logging your food.  Be honest with yourself.  Write it down, add the calories/carbs/protein.  It really will help see where you are.  For me, it keeps me from eating "one last thing" before going to bed. 

Hugs and good luck.  Keep us informed as to how you are doing.  We're here to help.  Because, we may be the next in line to need guidance and I know you'll be one of the first to step up and offer sage advice. 

I love you guys so much!!  Thank you!!

I guess I should clarify something, I am not going to maintain at 150 lbs because I want to keep eating this way or plan to keep eating this way.

I want to maintain at 150 so I can stop dieting, then binging, etc.

I want to maintain here, while I get my life in order, while I replace junk with fruit, while I get back to healthy habits like, water, vitamins & walking.

I am not going to promise anything, except the following simple things:
-  eat right most of the time
-  eat out less
-  eat less junk
-  stock house with fruits, nuts, raisins and tortillas, instead of junk
-  walk each day
-  check in here no matter what

Once I have a handle on this, I will step it up a notch.

I can't thank each of you enough, I don't have it in me to respond to each of you.  But I hear each of you and I needed to make a change and I am now going to try to focus on me and my health for a bit, and not my weight...

I made a list yesterday and ticked off a number of things, I called it my "Head to Toe" list, because I want to focus on ALL of me.  So I will continue to check things off the list, so that I look and feel better about all of me.

Hugs,

Cindy

Cindy,   I'm glad you are "evaluating/reevaluating" this.   Self-awareness.....is key to success.   It can be overwhelming at times.......being "vigilant" is a good thing.  Complacency......brought me to almost 600lbs.....not gonna let that happen again!  Remember "perfection" can NEVER be obtained.....but....."GREATNESS"  can. (never met a "perfect" person.....come across "great" people all the time......I include YOU  in this category!)  We are ALL worthy of '"greatness"   I think you are "great"  as you are!  You just  need to believe it for yourself!     Good luck! 

Hi Cindy
This post shows a lot of thought and introspection which is a critical element of everyone's maintenace journey since its such a long journey. I think you are right to choose to maintain at 150. If that is a bmi of 20.6, then thats a pretty low bmi since 25 to 20 is considered normal so even though you liked being thinner, 142 would put you pretty low and your body may just not be happy with that and demanding a few more pounds.

So this is by no means a cop out or sign of defeat or problem. Its just having the wisdom to recognize what is best for you. We all are in this maintenance journey trying to discover the same thing as to what weight we will strive for long term and whether we have to compromise and choose numbers that might not be our best choice on paper. If you are bmi below 21 I bet you look like a million bucks and you are tall and I bet very elegant and striking. Even at 5'4 when I got down to 150 I looked pretty darn good. At a lower weight the face wrinkles have appeared so its always a trade off.

If I were you I would concentrate on reestablishing the healthy eating habits by cutting back on the junk and getting your calories from healthy stuff to maintain at 150. Note I didn't say eliminate the junk completely because if you can eat a little of it and still maintain, more power too you. You really don't want to get back into a yoyo diet thing of up and down these same 8 pounds as that will drive you nuts and probably is not good metabollicly.

We are all having or going to have some bumps in our maintenance road and this is yours and it sounds like you have the right plan to get beyond it. I sure hope the rest of us have as much insight and thoughtfulness as you have shown. Let us know how things work. Don't beat up on yourself. Celebrate the fact that  YOU ARE OF NORMAL WEIGHT AND ARE GOING TO BE THAT WAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR JOYOUS LIFE!!!!!!

Diane

Cindy this is SO not a cop out. but you have to really cut yourself some slack, not just put off being hard on yourself.

so give yourself the OK - I'll bet you look fantastic.

At the risk for further alienating myself in this group I am fully supportive of what you are doing. You thank us for listening but you really need to thank yourself for listening to yourself and giving yourself some breathing room. You sound like you have a lot of things going on in your life and perhaps being so focused on the scale and related weight stuff is not what is in your higher good right at this point in time. NO I do not think this is a cop out. I think it is taking incredidbly good care of yourself and re-evaluating things. It does not mean you are giving up, giving in, or reverting back to old ways. It means you are taking a breather, a rest a time-out.
Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself some time to figure out what is best for all of you not just your weight loss self.