Wow! What a response on the Carbs! What about this one?

I actually teach about this topic.

There are lots of reasons - among them:

Financial dependence (often abusive partners force women to quit jobs and also control the household money - so women have few resources if they want to leave)

Nowhere to go. Her family may not agree with her leaving the marriage or may not be in a position to provide support. if she goes to a shelter her children may have to switch schools etc - very disruptive and overwhelming

Attachment to the relationship -often in between abusive episodes the abuser is very contrite and loving - women stay because they believe it can be better.

Low self-esteem - a belief that they deserve the treatment. This is often a consequence of years of emotional and physical abuse.

Fear that their partner will gain custody of the children. This is sometimes justified as a psychological assessment of a battered woman and her abuser will often result in a finding that the woman has psychological problems such as depression and anxiety and the batterer will test as normal (because he feels justified in his actions).

Attempt to control the extent of the violence by being present - this can be to protect children - if she is there she can take steps to make them safe even if she is going to be hurt.

Lack of support from friends and family - sometimes the emotional and physical abuse is seen as a normal pattern of behaviour and the woman is encouraged to just try a little harder to make the marriage work.

Fear of increased violence ... and this is a justifiable fear - women (and their children) are most likely to be killed or seriously assaulted at the point where they are finally leaving the relationship. He may have threatened to kill her if she leaves -and she may know that he has the capacity to do so.

I hve never tolerated actrual or threatened violence, but I have lots of family and friends who are available to support/shelter me if I ever have needed to leave a partner. I also have an independent career and income -this makes it easier for me to be assertive and to stay safe. many lack these resources and have very few safe options.

Hi Margo<

Thanks so much for such a comprehensive reply. All making sense.

How would one then go about supporting these women and make it able for them to get out of these relationships.

Regards
Deon.

Edited to add: Check out this link for some good info for middle and upper class women experiencing violence: 

http://www.theweitzmancenter.org/docs/carekitforweb.pdf

And this link for more general info:

http://www.bpd411.org/safeplan.html

A few things that can help.

First, recognize that ON AVERAGE women leave as many as 6 - 10 times and return, before leaving permanantly - this is a very difficult process. This back and forth is frustating to observe but also totally normal.

Second, it is helpful to be supportive and not judgmental, i.e. "Your safety is the most important thing to me - is there anything I can do to help you with that?"

Third, In almost every area of the country there is a shelter / domestic violence helpline etc, and they will have the best information about local resources

And finally, when I work with women who are experiencing this but not ready to leave, we work on a safety plan: This means that some clothing, important documents (passport, id, drivers license, credit cards, birth certificates for her and for the kids, a copy of immunization records for the kids as as well as a bank card to a separate savings account or some cash) are all stored somewhere she can get to them quickly or at a trusted friend's home, in case she needs to leave suddenly. We go as far as rehearsing which door she will use, where her car keys will be, where she will go immediately, where she might go longer term. We discuss safer times to leave - such as when he is at work etc.