how much regain am I OK with?

how much regain am I OK with: because the answer is not zero.

  now, for those of you who say "I am determined not to gain more than __  above goal, or I am determined to lose __ "  I say, more power to you. keep in mind I am only talking about me.

and I don't really know the answer yet but it might be all of it. honestly. as a pre-op I thought, like everyone does "what if this doesn't work for me" or "what if I lose and gain it all back" and I decided then I would forgive myself for anything. and that means even gaining back every pound and then doubling it.  OMG what a horrible thought?!!

not for me. the more worried, clenched, "determined" (and I know that can be a good thing) and flat out anxious I am about any part of my life, including eating and weight, the worse I do. The more I relax and accept and forgive - the softer my whole attitude, the better I do.

people gain weight for a lot of reasons and some of them are very hard to control. not saying you can't, just saying it's hard. so in addition to emotional eating, stressful life events and plain old bad habits creeping back we also have: breaking a leg and not being able to exercise, increased depression, thyroid problems and so on. stuff happens.

what works for me is to genuinely honestly completely (working on it!!!) accept myself and what I weigh no matter what.
and to choose to move out of joy and enthusiasm, rather than fear.
and to eat an apple rather than a cookie because I would prefer an apple not because I have made a rule that there will never be a cookie in my house.

so that's where I'm at right now.

You know ULTIMATELY it's about YOU and what you can accept about yourself and it's different for everyone of us. 

Ms Shell
xoxoxoxo

exactly, Ms Shell, I am thinking out loud about where I'm at and what works for me and not suggesting anyone else do the same.

tell you want I do if I want to gain :  freak out that my pants are too tight but force myself to wear them anyway. when they leave big painful creases in my body because they are too damn small tell myself you deserve to suffer you fat pig.  HA!

so, instead I am wearing the ones that still fit and have set aside those that don't and if I have to buy bigger ones I will. I will NOT suffer with too small pants ever again. EVER.

HOWEVER  I will pay attention and not start wearing sweats or more elastic waists so as to hide the truth from myself.

so on my list of what happens

always have clothes I like that fit
pay attention
accept myself right now


smooches!

The problem for ME (even though we are talking about you) is that I accepted myself, loved life and lived it abundantly.  So I can't get comfortable and must give myself a range.  Of course I'm OUT of my range right now but that's because well just because, lol. 

Ms Shell

I sure like these thoughts. Self acceptance and not that nasty little voice in your head saying "you are a failure and a pig and doomed to eternal fatness" is useless and destructive and needs to be banished. Why is it that so many of us do not learn this lesson until the second halves of our lives?

The frantic "OMG I gained 10 pounds and must torture myself until they are gone" attitude is not a good one. You have it right PetMom, we need self acceptance and appreciation as much as we need nourishment. The former attitude creates anxiety and negative emotions and those feelings lead to unhealthy eating.

We are complex and fascinating creatures and many little factors go into whether weight is gained or lost and trying to micormanage every aspect is a recipe for poor mental health. I think several others have focused on a better path which is changing a few habits for our own betterment rather than obsessing on the scale number.

Having said that, I have set goals in my OH goals section of not weighing above a certain number on certain future dates which seems more doable than a goal of "I will never eat another cookie again in my whole life and put a box of Girl Scout Thin Mints in my coffin".  Goes to show you that this now all about finding our own path but Petmom's thoughts are useful ones.

Diane

thanks, Diane

there is, of course, something to be said for being a grown up and realizing you do NOT need to have M&Ms every single time you get a yen for them.

it isn't a fine line, in other words, it's a big fat fluxuating line really.  this was just how I felt this morning.

Jackie

I hear you. I told my daughter last night that I feel like I have a few more pounds around my middle than I'd like but I don't want to become one of *those* women. You know the ones... they look fantastic to you and have a life full of fitness and health, but they are *never satisfied*. They moan "I'm so fat. I need to lose 3 pounds" and you're thinking "from where?" or "I'd kill to be as "fat" as you."

The other thing is, I hate it when people eat a cookie (or a donut or a bag of chips) and then act like they've done something SO HORRIBLE that, if you didn't know they'd just eaten a cookie (or donut or bag of chips) that maybe they'd robbed a bank (or beat their child or killed a man). The self-hatred is so totally out of keeping with the offense.

I also hate it when people are perpetually at war with food. I hate it because it makes me sad for them and for our society which is so f'ed up about food. That's not what I want my life to be about. I don't want to be at war with food for the rest of my life. I don't want to be war with my body for the rest of my life.

The flip side of acceptance, though, is the fear that the 2-3 pounds of fat in my middle that I'd like to get rid of, but not enough to go to war, will turn into 5-10 and then 10-25 and the next thing I know, I've gained all my weight back. Because that would not be okay with me. I spent a lot of money and I've gone through a lot and I did it because I wanted to keep my excess weight off permanently, not just for a few years.

Note: it would be okay if I got hit by a bus while riding my bike or if I got cancer -- the 2-3 years of fitness and health and skinniness I've had has been totally be worth it no matter what happens tomorrow due to fate or bad luck. It's only not okay if it goes away due to my own unwillingness to face reality and to pay attention.

It's just really hard to know where to draw the line and when you are being realistic and accepting and when you are being lazy and/or giving up on your dreams.

yes, the "drawing the line" thing is a tricky deal and I think it's going to be an on-going process of paying attention and re- evaluation.  I want to make clear that while I may accept some weight gain or I may not accept it, above all I want to have my eyes open about where I am and why.

I also don't want to be one of those women!  when I think of all the years I wasted - in my teens and twenties - being depressed about however much I was overweight - 20 pounds was it? 50 pounds? instead of enjoying my life.

which is why it's great we can talk about it here and listen to the viewpoints of so diverse a group of people.

"when I think of all the years I wasted - in my teens and twenties - being depressed about however much I was overweight - 20 pounds was it? "

God, yes.

I obsessed over 10 lb. If only I could lose 10 lb., I'd tell myself. Then it was 25 lb. It's only when it got to be 50 lb. that I actually had a real weight problem, but you couldn't have convinced me of that back then.

I've been dieting and/or unhappy with my weight since I was 13. What a waste of energy!

What you said! I agree with every word you wrote.

L.