Disordered behavior carryovers post surg coffee tawlk

every time I see someone posting they are starting the 5 day pouch test I get this feeling  
and I want to say

really? a damn CRASH diet sounds like a good plan to you? because that is exactly how I got to be obese:  crash dieting interspersing over eating, over and over, world without end.

but then I stop myself from posting (usually) because maybe they do it not in the spirit of deprivation but as a loving way to refocus themselves. 

well, it's possible.  but in general I can NOT be doing that weird ass thing. I try to eat whenever I am hungry and I work - most days - on not eating for other reasons....at least not much.

I had an ED pre-op and I still do.

I am always thankful when you speak your piece/peace in reference to "life after" and still having the same processes that you did before, but that you are working on them. 

I know its not what a lot of folks want to hear, but its good that they do hear it, from as many people that its truth from - helps them to not have to be as surprised if it turns out to be their truth too. 

I think.

Brandilynn, you and I are very similar to how we deal with food and I love that you and I can share that. The main difference with us is that I try to avoid ever starting with any binge foods even on special occasions or with special rules because I'm such a severe food addict.

I do think that people have varying degrees of disorders when it comes to food and I recognize that mine tend to be extreme.. which is why my reaction to them is extreme and I'm sure may seem to some people nazi-like.

Some people may see me as obsessive over carbs.. but I have to because I am so addicted to them.. I have to be hyper-vigilant. I had to touch that stove too many times to figure out that I was going to get burned every time.

When I finally accepted my truth and surrendered to it when it came to food choices in general, it gave me a lot of peace. Because I am an extreme food addict there are still things I have to stove touch for a while before boxing them out and I have to be wary when trying new foods. I'm a lot better at recognizing when things give me obsessive thoughts now.

When I try to just have a "special" food on a special occasion, it leads to a lot of guilty feelings, cravings, bargaining, and just in general a lot of chatter in my head thinking about a food that takes me probably less than 5 minutes to eat (still haven't gotten the hang of eating slowly).

All that fuss and brain chatter in my head doesn't seem worth it to me for the amount of time I spend eating the food, so I just don't go there. I just thought about it and realized that for the amount of time I spend eating any food, is not worth the amount of time I end up having bad feelings about it.

I prefer the peacefulness in my head to the conversations in my head that say "Oh yes, I know you said you'd only have 2.. that was our bargain, but one more won't hurt.. . OK two more won't hurt.. you would have eaten so much before, blah blah blah".

Then afterward it would be something like "ugh the scale hasn't moved today.. or is up .4 pounds.. wonder if I would have lost some weight if I didn't eat XXX.. I'm not going to eat XXX again.. it's not worth this disappointment on the scale.. ugh now I want more of XXX and I promised that I would stop.. well there is just a little more left.. I'll finish that off and then tomorrow it's back to meat and veggies".

I just had a similar conversation like this a few weeks ago when I made the mistake of buying protein bars thinking they'd be good for on the go food, and then ended up eating way too many of them because they tasted like candy bars to me and were slidery. No more protein bars in the house thank goodness.

Oh and I have learned about myself.. I do not binge on broccoli.. I do not binge on chicken.. there are plenty of good foods that I can have just "some" of and it is enough.. those are my safe foods. So for me my plan is just to stay the course, but I'd love to be able to figure out why my brain is like this.. in the mean time I will not feed my inner dragon.. the food addict dragon (Matilda).

Matilda's locked up in the dungeon in my head right now.. she likes to rattle her cage to be let out monthly and I throw her some sugar-free chocolates and bury her in dense sleeve busting chicken salad to get her to shuttup when that time comes. I will continue to keep Matilda slumbering with protein and veggies as much as I can.. they are my shield and my sword in this fight.

Brandilynn, you and I are very similar to how we deal with food and I love that you and I can share that. The main difference with us is that I try to avoid ever starting with any binge foods even on special occasions or with special rules because I'm such a severe food addict.

I do think that people have varying degrees of disorders when it comes to food and I recognize that mine tend to be extreme.. which is why my reaction to them is extreme and I'm sure may seem to some people nazi-like.

Some people may see me as obsessive over carbs.. but I have to because I am so addicted to them.. I have to be hyper-vigilant. I had to touch that stove too many times to figure out that I was going to get burned every time.

When I finally accepted my truth and surrendered to it when it came to food choices in general, it gave me a lot of peace. Because I am an extreme food addict there are still things I have to stove touch for a while before boxing them out and I have to be wary when trying new foods. I'm a lot better at recognizing when things give me obsessive thoughts now.

When I try to just have a "special" food on a special occasion, it leads to a lot of guilty feelings, cravings, bargaining, and just in general a lot of chatter in my head thinking about a food that takes me probably less than 5 minutes to eat (still haven't gotten the hang of eating slowly).

All that fuss and brain chatter in my head doesn't seem worth it to me for the amount of time I spend eating the food, so I just don't go there. I just thought about it and realized that for the amount of time I spend eating any food, is not worth the amount of time I end up having bad feelings about it.

I prefer the peacefulness in my head to the conversations in my head that say "Oh yes, I know you said you'd only have 2.. that was our bargain, but one more won't hurt.. . OK two more won't hurt.. you would have eaten so much before, blah blah blah".

Then afterward it would be something like "ugh the scale hasn't moved today.. or is up .4 pounds.. wonder if I would have lost some weight if I didn't eat XXX.. I'm not going to eat XXX again.. it's not worth this disappointment on the scale.. ugh now I want more of XXX and I promised that I would stop.. well there is just a little more left.. I'll finish that off and then tomorrow it's back to meat and veggies".

I just had a similar conversation like this a few weeks ago when I made the mistake of buying protein bars thinking they'd be good for on the go food, and then ended up eating way too many of them because they tasted like candy bars to me and were slidery. No more protein bars in the house thank goodness.

Oh and I have learned about myself.. I do not binge on broccoli.. I do not binge on chicken.. there are plenty of good foods that I can have just "some" of and it is enough.. those are my safe foods. So for me my plan is just to stay the course, but I'd love to be able to figure out why my brain is like this.. in the mean time I will not feed my inner dragon.. the food addict dragon (Matilda).

Matilda's locked up in the dungeon in my head right now.. she likes to rattle her cage to be let out monthly and I throw her some sugar-free chocolates and bury her in dense sleeve busting chicken salad to get her to shuttup when that time comes. I will continue to keep Matilda slumbering with protein and veggies as much as I can.. they are my shield and my sword in this fight.

I think the whole peace thing really makes a huge difference and when we can highly prize the peace, that changes our perception of "deprived."

I thank you for saying what is true for you and sharing it.  I am thankful that you do and I know there are folks who are also, because they just have not realized that peace really is worth the boxing out of things if you cannot have them and still have peace. 

*squeeze* Gingertwin!  :}

Gosh I love this post.  It is probably one of the best I've seen.  At the end of the day, we have to learn to know ourselves and what our triggers are, to ever have any hope of succeeding in this battle.

The mental part of the sleeve is so much harder.  Bottom line is, we had a tool to get us to goal or close, but we ourselves alone keep ourselves there.  That's scary. 

For me... I know that too much deprivation, too much logging, too much planning...sends me over the edge.  The opposite of a lot of folks, I know.  I do better having a list of foods that I eat from that I keep in my head... ones that don't trigger...then just going on with life.

A few weeks ago I was in a mental meltdown all over fear of regain.  I became obsessed with dieting again and the mental chatter in my head was driving me nuts.

What helped me, was to switch my focus.  i switched over to becoming an avid exercising... lifting weights, walking, riding bikes.  It cleared my head, calmed my emotions and helped me realize all over how I have to do things.

I have a document on my desktop that I wrote in the first 6 months that is entitled "It's just the way I eat".  It says;  Meats, fresh fruit, green veggies, low fat (not fat free) dairy, legumes, eggs and nuts.

For me, when I keep exercising and step back and look at the document and just go from there, I am fine.

Poor Brandy has been trying to help me the last few weeks with eating.  You probably think I'm nutso girlie... one day Atkins, one day South Beach, a free for all, then starting over.  lol 

Off to the gym now and the one thing that keeps me sane... well sorta :)

I think the switch from the focus on food ALONE being how we cinch in our belts (so to speak) as opposed to seeing the other option, the addition of healthful movement is a liberating sort of thing, well it is to me. 

I do not think you are nutso at all, all I am doing/being, honestly, is someone for you to "talk out loud" to, and I ask you things that you will ultimately ask yourself, and probably already do.

How do I feel when I eat like this.
How do I perform when I eat like this (perform in terms of body functions !yaay poop!, during the course of your work day, and with exercise).
Where can I tweak things so that my whole feeding experience becomes ultimately more beneficial (for all of the above things).

Hooray for sanity, as we know it!  :} 

 
Brandilynn.........

More than once I've thought it would be great to get the proper "cable" so I could plug one end into your brain and the other end into my 50" Flat Screen TV just see whats going on in there.....in full color in it's highest definition....... I'm sure it would be better than the best movie ever made !!!!

I'm just gonna comment on one thing....... Weighing everyday!

I'm a believer...... I weigh everyday.....will I weigh everyday for life as part of a success path???

What is a day??? ...... a 24hr. time span (see how I figured that out)

How long is a piece of string ????? (that's a tougher question)

The reason I bring this up is that post-op I've been away from home and my scale about 5 times for about a week at a time.

This is out of my comfort zone where all my weight loss/maintain protocol is in place.

Although I am a daily weigher..... This frightened me at first to be away from the confirmation device of my efforts. 

But than it became a test.... If I can be "on my game" for weeks, months at a time and take this jounrney on day by day and know that I'm on track.......I can do it for a week without a scale.

It is VERY liberating to know that I didn't need the scale to stay on track. I take it on as a test of my new ability and skills. Brandilynn mentioned...... "We need to learn how to wipe our own asses"

Eating for success is a learned skill..... It will not be the same for everybody and weighing everyday is a great maintaining tool...... but think of it this way......

Great.... I maintained for 24hrs. But it takes more skillz to maintain for a week.... for a month.... for months.....

I'm not saying weighing is not necessary..... for me daily weighing is the rule..... but what I think I have learned from being a daily weigher is that it makes me a better non-weigher when I need to be !!!!!

frisco

:}  On some days that would be a mighty fine show! Its a lot more consistently friendly in there now compared to some ugly past times.  Hooray for that!

You know, the reality of work life taking folks away from home for months at a time is definitely a totally different challenge than one that I face and the game you play is a good one, especially that it makes you a better non weigher when you need to be.  Too, the reality of folks who eat out more than they do not, and I get that our eating out maybe 4 times a year is totally foreign to some folks (even on vacation, we typically purchse foods and rarely eat out, fella and his freaky budgeting). 

I know how long that string is!  I think.  no wait!  yes!  4!!  The answer is 4 (that was my father's answer to all mysteries of the universe, he would just roll his eyes, sigh and say "what are you women getting all weirded out about? The answer is 4!!" 

Thanks for sharing.  And if I ever find that cable, I will show up on a good day and we can laugh and laugh about whatever is happening up there, or be awesomely confused, which ever comes first, or maybe all of the above.