Lessons learned the stupid way - WAY OT - lurkers welcome :}

Allrighty - for a little fun and levity, I shall share with you lessons I have learned the stupid way!

Feel free to share yours, or just laugh at me.  These are not all of them nor in order of importance!  So there!

DO NOT suck helium straight from the tank.  Your lips will freeze to the little nozzle.  Use the balloon.  More fun, less pain.

It is not smart to put those sport caps (you know the squirty nozzles that you can open with your teeth, drink your drink and then sqush the cap back down and not spill your drink) on carbonated drinks.  When you put the bottle in your mouth, and pull to open the top - the pent up carbonation SHOOOSHES through your sinus cavity and out your nose.  Does not feel good.  Is not a horrible disaster if you do not have the boogies.  If you do?  Blurg.

This is my favorite though

When I used to work midnights, I drank a lot of caffeine, in the form of diet coke and coffee. I occassionally would get the burning puke belly and the only thing that soothes it for me is baking soda and water. So!  I got the burning puke belly, drank some baking soda water and then it calmed down.  A little later, (probably at 3 in the morning, which was when the sleep fairy would whack me with a 2 x 4, but I needed to *not sleep*) I remembered I had a diet coke in the freezer and it was probably icy cold and delicious and my tummy felt better and it would help to keep me awake.  So I went to get it, drank some big ol glugluglugs of it and said aaaaah.  

Then - I felt the science volcano start fizzing and erupting in my belly - and thought OH ****! and slammed my hand over my mouth, and ran giggling to the bathroom, because I knew what was about to happen!!

I became a this fire hose of diet coke and baking soda water - and with this amazing Monty Python-esque evacuation of all liquids from my stomach ALL THE WHILE giggling madly because I kept thinking WHAT WAS I THINKING!!???

Oh. And this I only learned from the charts I have transcribed, not because  I have done it, but definitely lessons learned the stupid way.

Do *not* put things in orifices that were not created to be put in orifices unless they will not break, are not small, or do not have one part of them that is way too big to be sucked into said orifice and lost.

Just sayin. 

Back to work, me!!  The love, people!

"Do *not* put things in orifices that were not created to be put in orifices unless they will not break, are not small, or do not have one part of them that is way too big to be sucked into said orifice and lost."

oh, lordy... aint that the truth.  And I'll add ....and when you show up to the ER to get said *thing" removed, and the doctors and nurses are so kind and not at all shocked... trust me... they will be laughing their azzes off and shaking their heads once you leave.... AND... who ever transcribes these reports (me and you), will certainly get their chuckle for the day.  :)

So funny. Always also wondered what would happen if you ate mentos and then drank diet rite cola. Human volcano? Not something that we with out modified tummies should ever try.

And other things never to do are shave certain private parts, repair a dress hem with a stapler, try to dry panty hose out the window while driving down the freeway, and microwave an egg without first squishing up the yolk. all have bad consequences. diane

Be careful using your cell phone or mp3 player (or other electronics) when you are using the toilet.. if they happen to fall in the toilet remove the battery right away or it will get fried.

Never use regular dishsoap in an automatic dishwasher (hubby did this)

Sugar free chocolates have a laxative effect

If your face is sweaty, never use a ruled sheet of paper to blot it.. the blue ink will come off and make your face look like a smurf.

on a related note, if you want cars to drive down your otherwise unbusy residential street, go out in the morning in your nightgown to pick up the newspaper. I do this when the coast appears clear and immediately a zillion cars appear along with the garbage man, the teenage boys from across the street who otherwise sleep until noon, and every dog walker in our dink town. Now I gotta admit i don't give a f---- who sees me in my baggy flannel night gown with a sweatshirt over it. they get what they deserve. Just think its bizarre that it somehow attracts a crowd!    Also, if you go out in the back yard in the night , you are guaranteed to step in dog doo doo, even if there is only one poo in the entire yard your shoe will find it.   diane

never take a laxative and then go out running errands! (no it was not me,but my best friend......I was with him at the time)  Funny **** .....literally!  My whole family knows this story......we bring it up at the most embarrassing times,  like when he would bring over the new girlfriend!  Oh, speaking of Monty Python......NEVER, drink a twelver of warm beer......then decide "Taco Bell sounds yummy!"  After 6 tacos........burrito supreme.....the winding mountain road home from Santa Cruz.......my friend's van needed a haz-mat team to clean it!    ......"it's just a wafer thin!" 

on a similar note Jimbo, don't eat two glazed donuts and then drive the road to mendocino. I had to get out and throw up and was in full view of other motorists. bet I made their day. Diane (this was pre op, of course)

Well, yours truly here decided it would be a good idea to use cream depillatory on a certain sensitive area (to avoid razor bumps). Ummmm, second degree chemical burns are far worse!

Oh, and I've seen x-rays of those said objects that shouldn't go where the sun don't shine! I used to work in the medical department of the local jail. 'Nuff said :)

Dont drink the bong water, it tastes like ****

 Don't try to drink with a straw after doing jello shots - it some how goes up your nose (from the wild, young days)
Kathy