issues

(I had orginally posted some of this in response to Cindy's post, because I could relate, but now I feel like I hijacked it so I removed it)

This week has been a brutal mind effing week, in fact, I am taking the day off work, because I just needed a "mental health day".

I've remember reading posts like this thinking people were crazy to say these things...they (we) have come such a long way...now I'm the crazy one.

This thing is such a roller coaster.

I have wonderful life.  I should be the happiest person on earth.  The only thing "holding me back" was my weight, so I took care of that "problem".... but it still haunts me.

Why can't I "see" me like everyone else does?  Why am I so hard on myself?

I bought this really cute belt and shirt that probably looks fantastic on me.  Today I want to return both of them.  I don't feel worthy enough to wear it, I feel like I'm trying to pull something off that I really shouldn't.  I have to wear effing sausage casing with it because my effing belly skin is so disgusting.

I want a tummy tuck.  I gross myself out looking in the mirror.
I'm only 32.  I should be able to wear a itty bitty swimsuit if I want to.  Hubby says no.  I look at the PS site and I do get a bit freaked out about all the drains and horrifying pictures.  What if something did go wrong?  Then I would feel guilty for life because I spent all this money and went though all this pain out of vanity.

Why can't I put down the damn cookie?  Why do I shove two more in my mouth?

Why is 3 pounds such a big deal?  IT IS A BIG DEAL! 
I still love food.  I HATE that I can eat more now.  I HATE that my body doesn't force me to stop like it did the first 8 months.
I HATE that I have to take responsibility.  I HATE that I sound like a whiny child in this post.

Do you feel like a science experiment?  I have a family member that said "well the surgery made you lose weight, do you think YOU can keep it off?"  I feel like I'm under the microscope with some people just waiting for me to fail and put it back on.

Again, I am so thankful to have a safe place to vent.

Firstly I AM a science experiement!  The point of it being to find a way to maintain that my body functions best with (nutrition wise) and consistently work on the head stuff, because the food part, for me, is so much easier than the head part.

I do not have anything super satisfying to say - but when I read your post what all of it reminds me of is a noose trap.

Have you ever seen a noose trap?  The neighbor set a bunch out because raccoons got in his garbage (course, it never occurred to him to get a LID for the trash can, but that's neither here nor there) and caught my Maia dog. 

The harder you struggle the tighter it gets.  When you feel trapped, sometimes, it feels that ANY effort is at least not giving up/not giving in, but with a noose trap, the harder you struggle, the quicker you die.

I can say words, but they are just words you have probably read a zillion times before.

Your skin is going to do some changing. 

How it is/how you feel today is not always how it will be/how you will feel.

Some days being gracious towards a body that did not end up like in the brochure may be a challenge, but if your body is anything like mine (and it may well not be at all!!)

My body has NOT repaid me in unkindness for the unkindness I have shown it.  I have been emotionally retarded/stunted because I used food for more than it was ever meant to be used for.  I had brutalized my body because I never learned how to just have feelings without having to DO something to stifle them. 

Nobody thinks being a grown up is glamorous, except the folks who have not had to grow up.  For me, and maybe not for you, this has been a surgical puberty - maybe right now you are having some surgical puberty mood swings, and its okay to stomp and cry, and even crap your pants metaphorically, but

We chose this.  Oh, we read the fine print all right, but kind of glossed over the part where it told us thinner just might not be *enough* to satisfy a soul.  Or maybe its like losing your hair whether you have had enough protein or not, no matter how much we read about it, no matter how many people said *it just might happen*, it did not mean so much until the burden was OURS.

And then, of course.. the question is.

What now?

For me, its finding a rhythm, food wise, exercise wise (not just body exercises, but mind exercises), knowing that if I DO start with a cookie - I am cookie's ***** until they are GONE.  Even if I just ate ONE, the price of having to THINK about those freaking cookies until SOMEBODY finally eats them or tosses them is not worth the price of admission.

Its not worth the weight on my soul.

We pay a price for our choices, similar choices among different folks have way different prices.  There are folks further out than me who are stuffed after 1/2 of those tiny chip bags. 

that makes me laugh until I pee myself and get a little boogar bubble.  That seems hilarious and outrageous to me, because, that just is not my reality.

The more I struggle with how I think its SUPPOSED to be, I miss out on my chance to made peace with how it IS.

So, that's just me.  I have issues, and I consistently need to redirect myself - and some days with some things I do not need to redirect so much - but I cannot EVER assume that how it is today, is how its going to be tomorrow.

Because if I do.. then I will end up just like I was

Brandilynn, I heart you. 

You are a dear with wonderful words of wisdom in a tell it like it is sort of way; You make me cry and laugh at the same time.

You are such a gift and I hope you are around here for a long, long time.

I am grateful for your time and kindness and it's posts like these that I treasure and read over and over when I'm down.

Thank you,

Julie

Thank you for your sweet words girlie, and you are welcome.  I am glad if anything I say can be helpful.

Some days are just ugly days, and the only thing that is a comfort to me is knowing..

I DO NOT HAVE TO FIX THIS TODAY.

I just have to GET through today, with a minimum amount of damage to me, and the people around me.

Some days are better than others, some days my best is not what I, or anyone else would hope for me.

But if I am really lucky - I might get the chance to wake up tomorrow and take another swipe at it, and learn from my pitfall from the stinky day, and do a little better.  :}

Now I am going to go and walk to the coconut market!  I wish you and my Cgurl were here, because we could laugh and laugh and get a little anxt out - but since you are not, I will leave you with some words of wisdom from my daddy..

Yesterday is a memory
Tomorrow, a dream..
But today?

Today was a *****!

Or, the ever popular HEY!!  DO NOT PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH!  :}

Muwah girlie.  Do what you can on your mental health day to scrub up your mental hygeine, west and weewax!

You are loved, you love you too!

"I am cookie's *****"  !!!!  love it! 

First, I am really glad you could take a day off work as sometimes it does get pretty fierce out there and you just have to hole up in your pajamas for a day. Second, yeah, we all feel like a science experiment sometimes having gone through this procedure and having all these rules about what and when to eat and drink and not eat and drink and counting protein and calories and on and on. And now even at or approaching normal weight it becomes an even greater science experiment because we can't just follow the doctor's plan of 600 to 800 calories per day with 70 g protein; we have to adjust and find that maintenance level and introduce other foods but oh ever so slowly and oh not too much and this and that and on and on. Today I ate my first piece of real candy since before surgery. I mean a chocolate from a box of fancy chocolates. Sort of felt like I was skipping school but I only ate one and the sky didn't fall. But I do fear the slippery slope and it sounds like you feel like you have encountered it a time or too. All I can think of is keep reminding yourself you are now so much better off to have the weight off and an occasional cookie boo boo is not worthy of forty lashes. It means you are a human being and tomorrow will be a new and better day. As Frisco said, "youa re bigger than that cookie"  don't let it rule you.

Don't know what to say about the tummy tuck except that while I would like one too, I kinda am not in the mood for more surgery and I am older than you so I am just glad I no longer have to get bathing suits at Lane Bryant. But it sounds like you are conflicted about it so why not take some time to get comfortable in your new size and don't rush into it.  Can do it later - even years later if you still feel strongly. meanwhile, please do something to be nice to yourself that is not about food - like a massage - and be glad this rotten week is over. Hope next week is better and that you wear that new belt and shirt and i bet it looks great. We are our own worst enemies at times and we all need to learn to not be. all the best. Diane

Julie, you are SO not crazy, this sounds absolutely normal to me.

our weight was never THE problem (although it certain became one) and now that I don't have it any more I can really understand the "I hate that I have to take responsibility" that you posted. totally!

but being the Grown Up is - in the long run - better. it's more fun, honest, I've been working on this and it's one of those things I am positive about.

we largely create our own experience of life and the more responsibility we take, the more control we experience, the better we feel.

I forgot to look at your surgery date but don't be stressing out over plastic surgery. work on your feelings first and get in a good place. we'll help.

it's OK to face your feelings - hate, hate, hate - but gently redirect your thoughts and talk to yourself and about yourself with respect.

hugs
Jackie