I call Bull****!!! I am full of the stuff! I'm pulling my head out of the sand!

Hi Guys,

Sorry I have not been very active lately, I have a lot going on...

I feel a need to express myself, often in talking to you guys, I end up talking to myself and figuring things out as I type.  So thanks for listening, if you get bored please feel free to move on, I need to get honest with myself for a few minutes...

I am so frickin' frustrated, please don't give me one compliment in your reply, that is not what I am looking for in this email.  What I am looking for, please, is some honest advice.  Good lord I am so self centered, immature and controlling , sometimes I can't get over it.  But that is for another session...

Truth:
-  I have lost a lot of weight
-  I look a heck of a lot better than I did
-  I am so disapointed that my thighs and tummy did not go to where I wanted them, or was comfortable with them.
-  I wanted lypo on them, $5 grand and I would be done, hubby said NO!!
-  I try to accept it and be happy with how far I have come.
-  Secretly I am pissed right the frick off with him, AND still want it.
-  Secretly I am pissed right the frick off that I can't go down to my lowest weight because:
          -  'people' think for some frickin' reason that if you go to the lowest weight on your BMI that you are sick in the head or something!!!  Makes me very very angry.
           -  when I try to go there, other parts of my body get too thin and I look unhealthy for my age
-  I gained 5 lbs over Christmas
-  Come January it does not slip right off, when I start to behave, don't commit to walking, don'f fully commit to losing it... surprise surprise.
-  I decide in all my infinite wisdom that if I can't get as thin as I want, or have the lypo, or get rid of the thighs and belly, than WTF I might as well stay up here, and not put in the effort to lose that 5 lbs
-  I change my weight goal range, with a explaination full of good excuses
-  In my new jeans and new yoga pants, I don't feel nearly as slimming as they did before the 5 lbs gain, WHY you might ask, because my thighs and belly are the places I gained the most weight!!!!!!!
-  SO, I decide I am going to try and exercise the belly and thighs away... I have never tried that one before.  I am actually looking forward to it... however, I feel I may need to lose that 5 lbs, I hate the belly and the thighs...
-  SO....
#1  What is wrong with me?  Am I messed up or what?  Can you relate at all?
#2  What do you suggest I do with my weight?
     -  Stay where I am?
     -  Lose the 5 lbs I gained?
     -  Go down to my lowest weight of 135 lbs and see how I look there?
#3  What self help books can you recommend for my particular head issues?  Or does anyone know of a good online or phone therapist?
#4  What exercises should I do for my problem areas?  AND do you think hard core exercises on my tummy and upper thighs may help my body image?
#5  Even if I don't get one response, even if you all think I am crazy and selfish (which I am), I feel somewhat better, getting it all out...  The last thing I want to do is stuff my head back down that hole, I am pulling my head out of the sand, and keeping it there.  I really need to be honest with myself and do something about this, it is just starting to affect my moods and self body image.

FYI, my stats are as follows:
-  45 years old
-  5' 11.5 " tall
-  Surgeon's Goal - 162.5 with a BMI of 22
-  My Original Goal - 140 lbs, all for the number on the scale, was 143 lbs when I met hubby
-  New Final Goal - 155 lbs  (was trying to convince myself I had worked on my head issues, so I raised my goal to where I thought would be a healthier weight, a weight that would please others, and convince them I was now healthy in the head...)
-  Current Weight - 148 or so... gained 5 lbs over Christmas, was feeling pretty darn good below 145 lbs...

Guys I am sorry, I know you guys are not my therapists, but I really need to get some of this stuff out.  Thanks for listening...  All  I know at this point is that I am at a crossroads, and I really want to make the right turn... I am going to pause here and think about which way to go, it is a decision that could affect the rest of my life...  Gain the weight back, stay where I am, lose the 5 lbs, go down to my lowest weight....  interesting way of looking at it...

Big long friendship hugs to each of you, thanks again for listening...

Cindy

My .02 and there is a lot here, so forgive me for distlling it down to just a few comments but I have to get going for the day...

#1 you have done an amazing job (it is a fact, not a compliment)
#2 Your BMI/current weight indicate you are plenty thin -- BUT
#3 It appears, you ultimately really want to be thinner (or lose in the 'spots' that bother you) so I'd take the next 8 weeks or so and get down to 140 and then make 145 the top of your range. And then stop the head games. Call a spade a spade. 140-145 for life for someone of your stature is phenomenal.
#4 Lastly, excersise (this coming from someone who doesn't do it nearly enough) ALWAYS makes me feel better....so, yes, I would say to pump it up will help the head and the body, too.

xoxo

Hi Sweetheart!

I sooo apprecaite your 2 cents worth... thanks for taking the time...

I think I will go down to 140 lbs, because I plan to gain some muscle :)

I think exercise will be my new focus and passion and step towards a healthier me in mind and body...

Thanks for listening  honey,  all the best to you!

Cindy

Cindy....You could have been writing my story!!!   But this is not about me and trust me, I do understand where you are right now.

FACT - You have done an amazing job with your weight loss!  DO NOT gain any back!  DO lose the 5 lbs, it really seems to be bothering you.  For your height, that would be a good weight.

Thighs/Belly - Try the exercises and see what happens.  You will find that your body is still redistributing weight.  You must remember too, you see the flaws more than others do.  Your hubby probably thinks you look great just the way you are.

Hugs - Lots of big hugs coming your way.  (Thank you for posting this and I AM going to practice what I preach and join you for these next 8 weeks.)

You go girl!......Dee

Hi Dee,

Thanks so much for taking the time to put down your thoughts!  It is so aprpeciated!

I love that you can relate to my story, it seems 'more ok' that way :)

I will lose the 5 lbs I gained a maybe go to 140 lbs, just for some extra buffer, I wish I had not pulled out all the stops at Christmas.  Actually I am glad I did, I just wish I had gotten back on track right away, and not waited till after hubbies birthday on the 3rd of January.  Hindsight is 20-20.  I will know better next year.

I am hoping the exercise will help with the thighs and tummy, if not, then I know I have done EVERYTHING possible to get rid of those areas that have bothered me since puberty.  THEN I will talk to hubby again about a bit of lypo, or accept the body I have.

8 weeks could make quite the difference for us, perhaps we should set up some sort of challenge and check in, my only concern is that when I stop exercising those areas it will all go back to what it is now...  so I guess I need to make that type of exercise a life long commitment also...

Big hugs to you too, and thanks again,

Cindy

Oh babybean,

Question - when you said you were okay with being your age and being phenomenal, that was just lip service?  You did not feel any of that?  Or you felt that when there was a possibility of the lipo you want?

General advice - exercise will always be good for your soul, you will see that your body will change with it more than it ever did before you lost weight.  Spot fat loss, sadly, is elusive and mythical, but muscling up will help your body to burn fat, and is good for your bones too, so that is all good.

Observation - you are, you have been, and probably always will be a perfection seeker.  Even when the perfect was a sham, a carrot on a stick (and not even a super delicious carrot!).  But here is the thing, and its a something I wonder if BarryYourLove does not ponder - if you get to the lowest weight you can be, if you get the lipo ...

What then? 

because in the year(s) that I have *known* you - it seems something is restless in you that things that you must do/be more/better... perfect.  And the ***** of it is, I am not sure YOU were the person that put the definition of perfect in your lovely head, somehow in my heart - I think its that voice, you know the one I mean, "he who is never completely satisfied, he who always pushed you to do more, be better"  But what then? 

I wonder if Barry's no MIGHT be "no, not NOW" not, no not EVER, because he knows you so much better than I, but my wonder/concern/question  (insert whatever is appropriate) is the WHAT THEN.

What will your perfection seeking project eye focus on that needs fixing then?  Because for *how many?* years, the project towards perfection has been YOU. 

anyway, all of those thoughts are just ponders.

What I KNOW about exercise.   I worked my ASS off to be where I am.  I did not just diet hard (with no disrespect to those who do/can only manipulate calories and be where they want to be), I KNEW that any additional surgical intervention was never a possibility, so perhaps I had a blessing in that alone - but a thing I notice - when I do not work out - I am much more concerned about what other people think of me, my body, I feel insecure around the edges, and want/crave OUTSIDE input on the fact that I have done well, that I have worked hard, that my work shows, validation of some sort.

As opposed to when I work hard on me, my physical body - however my body ends up - I DID MY BEST FOR IT.. I am proud of it, I am not as weird about the floppity parts, I KNOW I have done well, I KNOW I have worked hard, I KNOW MY FULL VALUE AND WORTH..

and its not because I LOOK amazing (to the world of normies) and its not because suddenly I am worth more (to anyone - even myself), but maybe its because I had a PART in it, I was not just along for the ride with my body, I was the one charting the course, I got up early when I did not want to, I pushed further than I thought I wanted to..

And I realized, I was stronger than I thought.  Not just in my muscles but in my BEING. 

My satisfaction with me will not ever be sustained by my amazing beauty *chuckle,* my satisfaction with me will not ever be sustained by affection/affirmation/lustfullness thrown my way because for a moment I look pleasing to strangers, my satisfaction with me will not ever be sustained because I am a size X or weigh X - because all of those things will come and go, my love.  

My satisfaction with me will/is/can be sustained by my knowing I am inherently worthy of being satisfied with me, that I was worth my time, my effort, and my hard work, that I AM stronger than I ever thought I was, that I was CREATED worthy of my time, my effort, and the knowledge that I am enough, that I am worth the effort to learn to self soothe and self nurture.  Anyone else's confirmation of this is just.. well.. gravy so to speak.

Sadly/thankfully ? ? all of that knowledge came at the price of surgery, because when I was heavy, I *knew* those things, but biology being the way it was, being so hungry all the time - only being able to white knuckle dieting, or hurt myself with exercise for so long before giving in - when I looked at me in the mirror (when I actually ever SAW me) was all my broken promises to myself, all the times I did not keep my word, when I did not treat myself like I was worthy of my time..worthy of my effort, worthy of pushing past where the babybran in me WANTED to go, because - well it hurt.  It hurt different than the hurt I consistently felt, the hurt of not being able to trust my word, that when I SAID something, it was going to be done. (number 1, make it so!)

Sometimes letting go of the persona that we have always been hurts, seeing us for who we are, with compassion, and making a different choice - its challenging, it gets tiresome.

For me, its so much easier to fix a perceived flaw on the outside than it is to cull all the emotional retardation that I have so willingly kept myself stunted with by the use of food, by the focus on things that I could more easily control than my willful childish heart.

Your final goal, it seems, might ought to be satisfaction with yourself, not your perceived sanity :p by anyone else, or a weight that pleases anyone else.  Have not you already lived fortysome years working hard to make sure folks thought well of you? 

Are you sure  you do not/will not resent it?

Maybe none of this really applies to you, and I have woven up a tale for my very own entertainment, maybe some applies to you, maybe all, but all I really know is...

Happy, healthy, whole.  These are my wishes for you my love.

*gentle kiss on the top of your curly-headed noggin*

Hi Brandi,

To answer your question:

Question - when you said you were okay with being your age and being phenomenal, that was just lip service?  You did not feel any of that?  Or you felt that when there was a possibility of the lipo you want?

Answer - No it did not have anything to do with the lypo, just like the surgery, if I want the lypo I will have to put my foot down and insist on getting it...  I can't financially afford it right now anyway...

Answer - I think I felt that way the day I wrote it.  But as the days went on I realized I was not happy with the small changes in my body with the 5 lbs on.  I wanted to be, but I was not...  so the minimum I need to do is lose the 5 lbs...  but it still frustrates me that I can't lose enough to get rid of those areas.  I don't post pics that REALLY show them, why would I? People might judge my imperfections, god forbid!   But I think I will for you guys, so you see what I mean, and that I am not crazy...

As for the exercise, do you think I would tone more with a home gym machine or floor exercies?  I may need to start with just things like sit ups and leg raises, due to finances, but I may 'insist' on a home gym at some point.  No gyms here on the island.

The voice in my head was probably my Dad's.  I won't get into it here, but that voice does not stand a chance of leaving my head without some therapy... no therapists I trust here.  This is a screwed up country with skewed morals and beleives, and I don't want to talk to one of them about it.  (I am not predjudice, it is what it is... and I need to express..., I don't mean to offend anyone...)

My husband is an amazing man and I love him.  But he is cheap beyond belief!!!  Plain and simple!  I had to beg to get my one dog back (long story on why I did not have him for a year, to do wtih full time travelling), I had to beg to get my second dog, I had to beg to get surgery... all put extreme stress on our beautiful marriage.  When it is time for the lypo or home gym, it will put extreme stress on the marriage again, and I will have to basically do it without his 'permission'.... I HATE that side of him, and it has more stuff to do with my Dad, all over again...

Brandi:  My satisfaction with me will not ever be sustained by my amazing beauty *chuckle,* my satisfaction with me will not ever be sustained by affection/affirmation/lustfullness thrown my way because for a moment I look pleasing to strangers, my satisfaction with me will not ever be sustained because I am a size X or weigh X - because all of those things will come and go, my love.  

Cindy:  I have had compliments and attention off and on all my life, but I never believe it, and it is never enough.  Here in Belize, men are very very verbal about what they think about how you look and what they want to do with you.  I just ignore it.  They say it to anyone and it means nothing...

I feel my hubby is losing interest in me as a woman, I personally have always wanted to be skinny, I am thrilled I finally am... but hubby seems to not care less.  But that is another painful topic and one I am not ready to face yet.

Brandi:  My satisfaction with me will/is/can be sustained by my knowing I am inherently worthy of being satisfied with me, that I was worth my time, my effort, and my hard work, that I AM stronger than I ever thought I was, that I was CREATED worthy of my time, my effort, and the knowledge that I am enough, that I am worth the effort to learn to self soothe and self nurture.  Anyone else's confirmation of this is just.. well.. gravy so to speak.

Cindy:  Thi****s it on the head, this is the space I need to be in.   This is what is illusive to me... again this is what I feel therapy would give me.  This is what I would love to focus on, then the concerns about the weight, imperfections and stuggles might finally end...

Brandi:  For me, its so much easier to fix a perceived flaw on the outside than it is to cull all the emotional retardation that I have so willingly kept myself stunted with by the use of food, by the focus on things that I could more easily control than my willful childish heart.

Cindy:  As stated above, I am an immature, selfish bratt, that really just needs to grow up and stop being so self centered... but I need therapy to get to that point, and that won't be coming anytime soon.  I honestly don't know if reading some good books would be able to help me with this or not.  What do you think?

Q:  Your final goal, it seems, might ought to be satisfaction with yourself, not your perceived sanity :p by anyone else, or a weight that pleases anyone else.  Have not you already lived fortysome years working hard to make sure folks thought well of you? 

A:  Ya I have, and I don't know how to stop, I really need therapy... and the goal you mention seems so elusive and out of my control... but I am strong and smart and if I put my mind to it, I should be able to attain it... but wow what a chore, and then who will I be and what will I have to complain about :) 

Q:  Are you sure  you do not/will not resent it?

A:  Ya I do resent it, I am tired of it, but I don't know how to stop it...

As I grow out my hair, the curls get weighed down, but there are still a few up there... kiss away my sweet wise friend...

Big hugs and lots of love to you my dear, you are a treasure and a friend.

Cindy

Thank you for this Brandi. I know it wasn't intended for me, but I feel like I needed to read it and I need to take it to heart.. At least a lot of it. I haven't been on much because I am having my own crises at the moment, but I think I need to be around and stop living alone in my head...

You are very welcome my friend. I am glad to be helpful if I can. 

I am so sorry about your crises. I hope that it all works out beautifully with minimal damage done to anyone.  Because you know, some days minimal damage seems the best we can hope for. 

For me, alone in my head rarely got me anything but a heapin helpin more neurotic and justified whatever unhelpful behavior I was engaging in.  Its just kind of incongruent with going forward and being healthy (in my mind and in my body) for me, anymore.

Bigfatlove, babygirl.  Be sweet to you.