honeymoon over?

Is this it? 

I had my one year post op appointment today.

It went great.  I've lost 95% of my excess weight, I'm a statistical rock star...but tonight I feel like a failure.

I am terrified of regain.  I have put on a few pounds with the holidays, I was blissfully unaware of the 300 calories a latte contained (I had two huge ones a day for several days), however I needed it for survival with the family in town.

I can't stop snacking.  I'm eating way too much.  I'm grazing.
I should probably get therapy, but I know I'll end up talking to someone that has no clue about overeating and all that goes along with it. 

I'm too ashamed to post this on the regular VSG board... I would never want to sway someone away from WLS...it has been fantastic... but a roller coaster.  I never thought I would make it to goal, I thought I was done at every stall...clearly not a glass half full kind of gal when it comes to myself and weight loss.

Yet, I keep testing myself.  I weigh ALL the time.  I get bummed if I go up a bit, I get giddy if I go down.  It's like I'm just pushing my limits to see how much I can get away with.

I know what I'm suppose to do, but yet in the moment I can seem to justify eating (fill in the blank).  It's like this tortuous mental cycle..I eat, I feel bad, I eat again, feel worse, what the hell...eat again.

Glad to have this board, I appreciate the reality of it all.  I'm not a huge poster, but I'm on OH all the time, I feel like I *know* so many of you
 
Thanks for everything,

Julie

Dear Julie!
I went through the same feelings just after my 1 year post op appt with my doc.  I was also part of the 95% club!  I still am and so are you!  Holidays are crazy and I over induldged way, way too much too.  Believe me when I say "not as much as I could have prior to VSG"!!!  So, I got on the scale (like Elina sugested) and got real with myself again!  I gained about 6 lbs over the holidays.....maybe more, maybe less, but the point is that we have to work with our sleeves.  I have been back on track since Monday!  I'm loosing weight again..yay!  I'm eating better and feeling better and sleeping better and doing better.  You can do this!  Carbs got control of me.....handfuls of peanut M&Ms....probably eat a pound in one sitting....cookies, lattes, crap and more crap and honestly I enjoyed it!  But, the holidays are over and I have to get back on track.  You are going through all kinds of normal feelings!  Be kind to yourself!  Love you so much!  Vicky

p.s.  169 days of sobriety!

I so totally relate. It's just not as easy as it was in the beginning. I am going to be at 2 years soon, and there are days that I feel like I should not be able to eat the size of portion I can eat now.

It was ridiculous of me the week between Christmas and New Years to just throw caution to the wind and eat any little thing my heart desired.  I am really hoping that it's not going to be difficult
to take off what I gained, but the reality is that I don't lose as easy as I did when I first got sleeved.

I gained some weight during my birhthday week with everyone wanting to take me to lunch and dinner and then it seemed really difficult to drop any of it off after that. It was maddening. I was exercising and eating right and the scale did not want to move.

Now, all I can do is what I know.  If I stick with dense rotein,  veggies, and protein shakes I hope that I can get these exra lbs off, because 8 lbs has made all my pants tight around the waist and I don't like it at all.

You're right. The honeymoon is over and now we have to work our sleeves.

I freaked out the first time I gained weight post surgery...I just went into a tailspin for a week.  I did this even though I KNEW that the gain was jus****er from me drinking so much salty stuff while cycling this summer.  I think we get so used to just hopping on the scale and seeing lower numbers that we just don't know how to deal with it when the scale goes up a bit.

I quit weighing myself everyday. It was hard to do, but I knew it was best for me. I have the same highs and lows as you and I didn't want the scale to dictate my mood for the day. It also makes me less likely to go into the scale induced tailspin.

I also like to use the scale as an excuse to eat...If it would go up, I would be like 'well screw that, I just as soon eat some more'....If it would go down after eating just then 'I ate all that and didn't gain weight, I can eat more with the same result'

I think this is really the point when you realize that our obesity is the visible side effect of the mental issues that we have.  So many times people focus just on the calories in vs calories out when the mental point is really the most important.

I don't think that you should avoid posting this on the main forum.  They need to know that life after vsg is not all roses.  I guarantee that you are not the only person who is going to this!

mary

There are therapists who specialize in eating issues and would understand.

As for holiday gain, I have accepted that it is reality for me. I can't exercise like I do in the summer and my indoor exercises don't burn as many calories and are easier to blow off. But last Spring it fell off as I got back to my normal routine and I have decide to just trust that it will this year too.

Now, this doesn't mean I don't freak out. It just means I don't dwell on it. I freak out, tell myself it will be okay and then continue on.

I also went back to logging my food because I don't think I'm ready for "intuitive eating" just yet.

Well, I think everyone faces this moment of truth whether at the doctor's appointment or on the scale or at a year or some other time. Thats really what this group is about- that moment and the fear of regain. When the phase of steady and moderately undifficult weight loss( will never use the word "easy" in connection with weight loss) fades, it becomes a question of dealing with eating habits for the rest of one's life. Holidays, starting with Halloween, don't make it any easier since it all revolves around food and eating gatherings. If family dynamics are good, there is still all the food and if family dynamics are less than ideal, well look out!  I don't think I have yet faced this moment as I still have good restriction and was able to keep it reasonable over the holidays (I didn't say i didn't eat any sweets or carbs) but am scared to death the cookie monster is going to pay a visit and it will be all over. My husband has not had surgery (but should) but had been following along and doing a low carb plan along with me partially because i refuse to cook any pasta and such and part because he still thinks he can lose weight without sugery. But he has fallen off the wagon and been eating things he shouldn't and when i am not home to cook he goes to burger king or to the buffets with his obese sister which makes me mad because she is a sabateur. The only thing I can say that I have been doing is that I obsessively plan ahead and think about what I will eat and what I will not eat when I went to christmas dinner or go to some other event. I insist on cutting my own piece of dessert which is a two bite sliver as if you ask for a small piece people will give you a big one and say just eat what you want. and we know where that leads.

Gotta admit i freaked when i first gained a half pound and it wasn't that it was much but it was just that I hadn't done anything that I thought would cause it and I thought "i have seen this movie before" where pounds just come back so easily.  But I know I am responsible for what I eat and I am just one of those people *****ally does have a slow metabolism and i just plain can't eat much if i want to stay at a normal weight and thats just the way it is and always will be. But I can at least be thankful that I don't have some much more horrible disease and that at least there is wls which has helped me enormously.

So the only advice i can offer is to tell you you are not alone, that every one sooner or later hits this point and has some regain or trouble with those last few pounds, that surgeons say that a small regain is pretty normal, and that proper working of the sleeve means limiting carbs and sugars and focusing on protein. You might want to take a week and pretend you are about 4 weeks out from surgery and follow your surgeons eating plan for that week and get in 80 g protein and you might find it helps you break the carb desires that are such a plague to all of us. And you know you can stop those lattes and replace them with a low or no cal coffee drink. And every time you want to go weigh yourself,  drink two ounces of a protein drink before you do and get in some extra protein. might help you resume the protein habit which is easy to stray from. I have resigned myself that i am going to have to have a protein drink maybe 5 days a week to keep enough protein in which helps avoid the carbs. I have a very skinny very health nut brother and he uses a lot  of protein shakes and gets about 150 g of protein a day.

So keep reading and posting and post on the main vsg board because there are ideas and support there too. And if you think you need some therapy by all means get it. There are therapists out there who specialize in eating issues. Your surgeon might be able to refer you to one. I saw one many years ago and while it didn't get me to lose much weight, i did learn some important things and its probably why I didn't end up a lot heavier. Take care and stay in touch. Diane

   Julie, you have been doing great!  95% gone? allow yourself to be happy about that and congratulate yourself for making a good decision.

now you need to work on the emotional stuff and you are not alone, most of us are doing it to some extent. here is some good news: when we work on our feelings ( out of fear of regain, frankly!) it doesn't just make the eating part of our lives better - it makes EVERY part of our lives better! 

you deserve to feel good and not full of anxiety and worry and you can choose to.

I was on another forum and read an affirmation a woman got on a card at her Support Group meeting. Say this out loud and keep doing it until you believe it!

I treat myself with unconditional love.  I feel my heart opening, and I know that there is room in there for me.

You guys are the best.

Thank you so much for the heartfelt and kind comments.

I felt better after getting this off my chest last night, it really does help just to post it and put it out there; but to wake up and read all the wonderful responses just warms my heart. 

It's funny how being "kind" to yourself is interpreted.

For the last couple weeks it's been about eating what I want, you know being good to myself...hahahahahaha

Now, it about forgiving myself.

I was in this blissful state of having my cake and eating it too there for a while with no gain... but I apparently got out of control.  It's just been scary facing these old feelings and habits creeping in... the carb monster is no joke! 

For a while when I started to get the munchies midday I would say to myself "if your that hungry go drink a protein shake" most times I wasn't that hungry... it was a good check for me.

Then I started justifying snacks by saying to myself "well you only ate a fraction of that burrito for lunch, of course your hungry....entitlement to eat again.
I'm not sure where that one came from but it has been literal evil... all those little "this doesn't count bite(s)" really add up...

I think I need to post a before and after picture on my fridge, in my wallet, on my forehead... whatever it takes.  I have come a long way.
A three pound gain is not the end of me.  Seriously, even if I stayed at three pounds heavier and no more I have still done this.  I've lost  80+ pounds.

I refuse to buy bigger clothes that's that. 
(Note: don't buy clothes right after having the stomach flu)

Again, thank you for all your support and kind words.  This site is an absolute treasure.

Julie

To answer your question, yes, this is really it.  Welcome to the rest of your life.  At about a year  the honeymoon really is over and maintenance becomes a great deal more up to us.  Now for some good news, your tool still works and will always be there for you.  That means when you want to get serious about eating on program, you can do it much easier than before surgery.  And this will always be there for you.  Working maintenance is different for all of us because our bodies and our mind sets are all different.  I have to weigh myself every single day for the rest of my life even if I am scared that I gained, because if I don't than I will become an ostrich again and hide until my weight balloons to unacceptable levels.  I have a plan, it goes something like this, when I gain past 105 lbs. I go right back to my three meals a day, protein and veggie only diet until I am back to the 103 range.  That's it, that's the plan and I have to stick with it for life.  I do this during the holidays, during emotional times, during anything.  This is my medicine to keep me sane and healthy.  If I fail to follow my own prescription, I am doomed to regain and I know it.  Other people have different methods, some abstain from carbs and sugars for life, and I salute them.  They are my heroes.  Others can eat moderately and maintain without much difficulty, I am jealous of them.  :)  But I am not and never will be one of them.  I hear a lot of newbies say, " I did this so I wouldn't have to be on a diet for the rest of my life".  I just shake my head and wish I could tell them, how sorry I am they feel this way.  Because for most of us, yes, we do have some kind of diet we follow for the rest of our life.  It is just much easier to stay on it for life than before.  Guess what, my skinny friends all have a "diet" they stay on too.  They eat mostly healthy food without grazing most of the time.  Even people who get DS have to watch what they eat.  The relationship between our food intake and our weight can never be broken no matter what a surgeon does for us.  Coming to terms with this truth and really excepting responsibility for it along with understanding how my new stomach can help me, keeps me at goal for now.  And that is all I focus on, my success for now, for today, one day at a time.  If I sound like I am preaching, I am sorry, I am really mostly reminding myself about what I need to do for the rest of my life to maintain this miracle.  If it helps someone else, well that is a bonus.  Thank you for posting this, it helped me clear up my own position on maintenance in my own head.

what an insightful post Elina. YOu said it all perfectly. Every one of us should reread this daily. its a gem. diane