Success

Long-termers, I need your thoughts. Since my 1 year surgiversary I've lost about 10 pounds. so, about 2-3 lbs a month.

Psychologically, I've found myself simultaneously thrilled with that fact and still a little bummed. Its weird. Its like I cannot ever say to myself "enough is enough" even when I think I'm at a good place. I certainly didn't think I would ever be able to write: 5'5", 123.4, size 2. And, to back that up, I keep hearing "you don't need to lose anymore" from others. Along with several awkward "I didn't even recognize you" moments, and one last night "you are a shadow of your former self." I am trying to reconcile those comments with this inner voice that I need to be thinner....just in case...what about the 10 lb bounce back....this has been a returning theme in my mind for several months now that I can't seem to conquer...

Its like I won't stop looking for new lows on the scale. If I could just see 119, just once....fit into a size 0...somewhat obsessing basically...Yada Yada, you get the point.

Im wondering if/how you may have similarily dealt with/struggled with your "sucesss." I need to quit this and get to a place of contentment. Part of me just wants to relax a bit and say, "enough is enough."

Anything you've found to be successful? Does this come with time?

I'm sure this is part personality trait and part dealing wtih the ramifications of how my weight has affected my life since I was a little girl. I have never been thin "enough" in my mind and I suspect I've beaten myself up for so long over the subject, I dont know when/how to declare success. And, most importantly, I'm scared of what that will feel like...and, what it means.

Any thoughts on this stage of the journey? Thanks for listening. Its helpful just to write this out...and, yes, I do see a counselor :)

I am right there with you.  My nut/psych said my goal should be 155.  My surgeon told me that I could shoot for 135.  I hit that & because of the "bounce back", have been trying to get to 125. 

Of course, I know deep down that if I get to 125, I won't want to allow any "bounce back".  I'll freak out and want to return back to 125.  Which then makes me think, maybe I should go for 120.  It's a vicious cycle.  I totally agree with your assessment of never being thin "enough" all our lives.  I'm still working on the mentality of being the fat chick or the largest woman in the room - hard to wrap my head around actually being thin and "normal".

Last month I hit an all-time low of 126 ... I've been bouncing up and down from there this month with a high of 131.6 and now at 128.4   I had told myself that whatever I weigh on January 1, 2011 is "goal" for me.  I hope I can stick to that.

Best of luck ... I look forward to seeing other replies and advice.

Exactly, minime. Its like every time I get to a new size or hit a new low, I think, I never want to get above this mark again....

I do, however, like your idea of setting a date. I really like that and just may do the same! THANK YOU!

For me, I just figured that as long as my BMI was still in the healthy range, I would let my body find its natural stopping place. I too thought...if I can get to 135 (I'm 5'8'), wouldn't that be something. But I tried not to worry about any of it too much, just kept on doing what I was doing in terms of eating. I just ignored the comments because I knew I was still well within a healthy weight range, and I did eventually stop losing at 137. I am also afraid of bounce back, and I  put back about 5-6 lbs. from my lowest low rather quickly after I got there. So there is that--and any regain is difficult because I immediately associated it with failure on my part even though my doctor warned me it would probably happen and is normal. So...no words of wisdom, but just reassurance that I think we all go through this, and it does take time to adjust. For me, what has actually helped is that once I finally hit my low low and experienced a little regain, my mind switched back into goal mode--that is, I now have to actively watch what I eat and would like to lose those 5 lbs. (even though I'm still way below goal). But being in the trying-to-lose-a-little mode feels more normal and comfortable to me, lol! So, for me, I'll never declare success because a) maintenance is forever and I'm still at the beginning of that at 3 1/2 years out and b) I have accepted that I'll never be "normal" and will always have food issues to deal with. I feel like I AM a success at tackling the continuing journey, so maybe that's part of the shift that you'll make too...

Take care,
Lizanne

What a great post!

I don't have a lot of time right now, but wanted to tell you I can relate.

I declared goal at 155.  Went to 145 because that would allow me to fluctuate under 155 without the fear of going over goal.

Then I decided to go to 140, never got there, and said enough is enough.  I then started to maintain and I am still maintaining between 140 - 145 lbs...  (except during Christmas, while I am indulging a bit)...

The strange thing is, I am not happy yet.  And the sad thing is, I never will be, unless I get lypo.  From the time I hit puberty until now, I have always had fuller hips and a round tummy, no matter how thin I get, it never seems to go away...

Am I thin enough here, yes, I sure am, and even up to as much as 155 lbs would probably be fine for my personal body type, if those areas had lost the weight I wanted.  They didn't.  Will going to 135 help me to lose those stubborn areas?  (any lower and I will be considered underweight, I am 5 ' 11.5' tall)...  I don't think it will make one bit of difference.  I have done all I can with weight loss.

What are my options then to get the body I want:
-  weightl lifting, training, core exercises, floor exercises...  - but I am to lazy, buzy, cheap, etc.
-  lypo of those areas... - but it will hurt, and my scares take like 6 years to heal, and I am too cheep, etc.

So until something changes, I have to learn to accept myself for the way I am.  Appreciate how far I have come and enjoy this stage of my journey.

Part of me thinks it is over.  This is good enough.  Pretty incredible for a 45 year old women...

Part of me wants it all, to be the best I can be, and that part of me has times that I dream of losing more, or getting lypo or setting up a home gym...

Time will only tell where this women ends up... time will only tell...

Hugs,

p.s.  AND no I am not seeing a councellor and yes I really really should be :)  Want my reasons why I don't...  see above... same same... old song...

Good, good morning VSGM board!
I just love you guys and your honesty!  Wow, totally incredible! 
When I read posts like this I think to myself.....why should "I" be happy for 180 when everyone else who is taller than me have gone much further.  But, I am pretty happy with it.  I've gone to 172 and am up during the holidays cuz I'm eating lots of crapola and am enjoying it too. My journey has been incredible.  I got caught in the transfer of addictions, but today I'm sober 5+ months, no alcohol, no pills. I still use other things like shopping, but the awareness will set me free...one day at a time. I eat right most of the time, I've off work right now for 2 weeks and see how unfocused I can get with regards to protein, vits and water.  I do see others on this board that have lost "too much" and do not look healthy "to me" and they keep wanting to loose.  It's like we have to watch out for anorexia too.  Eating disorders suck and we have to work on these issues for the rest of our lives.  Bottom line.....I'm cleaning up the past to make way for the future.  I've lost 130 lbs.  I'm not into the .4 or .6 numbers, that  just makes me crazy. It's weird, I've put on some weight and I like my body more, it's less saggy.  I want to get into weights/resistance and yoga again, but I'm so damn lazy lately and pretty busy with lots of AA meetings.  And, yes I am crazy :)   I can't wait to hear from Ms. Brandilynn on this post.  Have a wonderful holiday.  Love you guys!

You are a sweet and funny gurl, you.

The point numbers could make me crazy too if I cared too much about them.  For me I know success was keeping my eating under control and not transferring to something else. 

I *only* picked a weight at the beginning, because I had no clue what a healthy sized me would look like, weight wise or size wise.  I picked something smack dab in the middle of a healthy BMI (which also truth be told, is not very accurate a picture of health, since it does not take into consideration what percentage of you is muscle/fat/or even skeletal weight if you were a heavyweight and now have denser bones because you have been carrying around a lot of weight).

I got down to a size I liked and then switched goal from a weight to a size.  I have been down to 143, but then with gaining muscle and my body doing a shift, I fluctuate between 145 and 150. 

Being hydrostatically weighed, where they weigh you under water, what I learned is, I am 120 pounds of weight that ought not GO anywhere (if I am in my right mind :} ) and about 18% of my weight is fat.  So, fact of the matter is I MIGHT have been able to touch 133 pounds for a second but I am not sure of the reality of keeping only 13 pounds of fat on me without my body rebelling, or my having to restrict restrict restrict

PLUS the fact that lifting has given me a great help to combat the vulnerability I used to feel when I lost weight (maybe maybe it is a combo of that and maturity, who knows).

And the thing is, musle is denser than fat, so I could weigh MORE and be leaner - so - trying to please the hard taskmaster of the scale, in light of my goals (to be lean and muscular) they do not go together well.  I weigh every morning, to watch trends and whatnot, but it does not freak me out when I am at the upper limits of my normal, because I know what I have eaten and if that is to blame, I know when its my cycle and if that is to blame, I know if its waterweight, I know if I am retaining from a hard lift and if that is to blame and I know that if I move up a pound from my "normal low" and the shoulders in my shirt are tight, but I have the soggybottom in some of my jeans- then that pound is my body changing composition, not gaining fat.

I also do not look to anyone else for confirmation on if this is how I ought to look, ought to be.  This is my journey, this is about me being as strong and healthy as I wanna be.  It was not to be the fairest in the land (which does not make it wrong for anyone else, in my eyes) it was not to be the smallest in the land (again, not wrong) it was not to be the most adored in all the land (not wrong in my eyes).  My goal, what I consider success, for me, is to be strong and healthy in my body AND IN MY MIND as I wanna be.  An I wanna be!  I will always be in "remission" because I believe that with my junkie genes, even considering "cured" is dangerous territory. 

And this journey is mine and mine alone.  It matters what I THINK ABOUT ME.  Everyone else's opinion of me, over the course of a normal day, will wax and wane, which is just human.  My irrepressible outer beauty :} will change its nature, as time goes on, sometimes I feel assy and irritable, which is bound to change anyone else's opinion of me and my success, but MY OPINION OF ME MATTERS MOST.  People can give you props all day, but if you still think ****ty thoughts about yourself when you get to the quiet and alone portion of your day (if you can even tolerate it) then all their words made as much different as, well, as a fart in a windstorm, as my mimi used to say.

Success and goal look like a zillion different things to a zillion different people.  For some of us having been people pleasers for so long - its sometimes for some of us a challenge to change our focus from being outwardly pleasing (always saying yes, doing everything, being superhuman because if we let them down - we knock ourselves down in their eyes) to being inwardly pleasing.  Am I pleased with the person I am today.  Course the answer is somedays more than others. But the beauty about living is, I always have the rest of the day today, and then until the day my life ends to work on being pleased with the person I was "today."   The sooner the better though, because whoever knows how many tomorrows I have is keeping it a secret :} The words I tell me about myself today will dictate the way I TREAT myself and other folks tomorrow.

We are definitely conglomerations of our past, but the wake of a boat does not DRIVE the boat.  It just shows us where the boat has been. I can never have been *insert thing here* enough in the past - and be absolutely X enough this very moment.

Hooray for this very moment!

You know I can't speak for the men on here, but as women we are very obsessive about our weight.  Especially where we've just come from...fatness.  I'm as guilty of all these behaviors as anyone.  For instance, the day before yesterday I ate 4 or 5 small pieces of candy and I felt that I had to work out extra yesterday.  So I went to the gym and worked out for nearly 2 hours...TOTAL overkill.  But the fear of regain sits in the back of my mind ALL the time.  My hubby thinks I'm nuts cause I'm thin, wearing sizes 2's and 4's at 5"7. 

I don't have any answers, but wanted you to know that most of us struggle with these issues as well. 

Laura

P.S.  I have a friend who totally failed her sleeve by making inappropriate food choices from the beginning and it scares the crap out of me knowing the possibilities....

I think a lot of us toil with this little monster now.  I know that I became obsessed with "how low can I go"!!!  It's a scary game to play.

I know that after my plastics I dropped to 110, which was painfully thin for me.  My surgeon wanted me to stay at 130-135.  When I went for the pre surgical consult I was down to 123.  the morning of surgery I weighed 117.  I was thrilled.  when I hit 110, I was scared, and eating like crazy, but internally thinking, " I wonder if I'll hit 107?" which would put my BMI as underweight, like it was a good thing.  Thanks to my new twins, I stopped looking emaciated, and I was able to gain back 5 pounds and stayed there for almost 6 months, then started creeping up.  Now I work to keep my weight stable, and I've gained with the holidays which freaks me out like you have no idea.  Although I'm cutting myself some slack for the holidays, I can't wait to get back into action and drop this weight!  My family, on the other hand, keeps hounding me to keep it and gain some more. 

I do believe that we are all head cases!! 

Interesting thoughts, I posted something along these lines awhile back i think. My surgeon surprised me by telling me i was done when i weighed 140 in his office at 5'4.25 inches. I asked if i could go to 135 and he said fine. well that was my intended goal but i kept sliding below it. one reason is that i was out of town for 3 weeks caring for brother and i thought i ate quite well as i was cooking and trying to feed him well to recover from his thoracic surgery and he is think. we did walk a lot (for me) and i kept busy but didn't feel like i was doing major exercise. didn't weigh myself for 3 weeks and came home and was down 5 more pounds unplanned. Sort of thought it was cool actually. got intructions from dietician about this to gradually increase calories 100 per day every wee****il you find the spot. easier said than done. sometimes, like yesterday, i get to the end of the day and have had 800 calories which is a weight loss amount and yet have no room for any more food. Took a second trip for just a few days and lost a couple more in that time. again, felt like i was eating well (great thai food) and yet dropped a couple more. got down to 123.5 where I am hovering. this is a bmi of 21 so its acceptable but really is enough. Yet i get so scarred by the sight of a cookie or such and i maybe taste a fourth of one and thats it. just can't go down that road yet. have talked to the dietician about being below dr.'s goal and she says change that milk to 1% and add in a protein drink per day. that would probably be a smart thing to do but i just am so glad to not having to have so many protein drinks as i had grown to dislike them. could do the smoothie king ones like a milk shake but at this cold time of year i don't much want to drink an icy drink.  So while I know i probably ought to put back on a few pounds and my fancy new jeans are baggy, i get nervous when i see that scale go up a half pound. dont' really care about clothes size as i don't dress up much, but just have the mental thing that if i were to gain a few, its all over and i am doomed. So i will see the surgeon for major blood work follow up and will see if he has concerned. I suspect as long as the blood work is ok he will say "whatever" and not to worry about a few pounds regain as its normal. but people are telling me not to lose more yet i am no skinnier than other people walking around who have always been slim and no one tells them to eat more. its maybe just that i look so different. Gotta say i like how i look even though i am bathed in wrinkly skin and don't think i am doing plastics. thats for another discussion topic.

So yes, we all have are mental issues with where to stop and how to stop and feel like we are teetering on the brink of I don't know what. Remember that escess weight has been a huge issue in all our lives and finding a balance with the new weight is also going to take some work. But isn't it great that we have this to deal with?!?!    I for one am so thankful for this at this special season.   Diane