Why I could never lose the weight before

This is something I've wanted to share before and I think is not talked about much if at all in our group and since we find ourselves at the end of 2010 and all having been on an incredible journey of weight loss and freedom from our baggage of weight, that maybe, just maybe if we identified more what CAUSED our weight gain, our chance at continued success might even be greater.

October 19, 2009 I had WLS.  The weight fell off.  And as the pounds flew off a depression took over that no matter what I did, I could not shake.  It grew and grew to such a degree that I deeply regretted my surgery.  While others talked about how happy they were and how much they loved buyings clothes and their new bodies, I grew despondent.  I could not figure out what was going on with me.  Then in August I had some followup labs and found my vitamin D was in the toilet and I began to supplement.  It greatly improved my depression to the point I could begin to look at what was going on with me.

In a nut shell... my drug of choice, my numbing agent, my "go to, fix everything vice" was gone.  I could no longer eat away my sadness.    It was then that I realized why I was never successful at weight loss before on my own.  I could never handle the emotional pain that came with weight loss and losing my coping mechanism... food.

So, my goal for 2011 is to seek counseling to adress some things...First, what happened to me when I was just a little girl that should never happen to any child, the lack of acceptance and support from my biological family and lastly and the biggest....the death of my youngest child 16 years ago.

I feel hope now for a good life... a healthy life... and I feel I can keep this weight off.  But I have to address WHY I got fat and could not take the weight off no matter what.  i have to face my demons from the past.

Okay...someone jump in here so I don't feel stupid. 

I used food as a coping mechanism too, any huge emotion makes me uncomfortable, not just sadness.

I also had that huge roaring hunger, since puberty.  I was a regular kiddo, but once puberty hit, I then remember ballooning up, being a food sneaker, hoarder, et cetera.

I have been in therapy, learning about different therapies, gathering tools, et cetera, for as long as I can remember being heavy, or realizing that my formative years, were - well - not typical.  So my arsenal of tools was full, but the hunger was still an issue.  I could battle it long enough to get to "goal" a time or two, but only touch it and then not be able to maintain.

I also had a nice chunk of stuff that ought not happen to a child happen to me, which you know.. is what it is. I also had NO IDEA what to DO or THINK about all the feelings that I had, and I am somewhat of an empath, so I seemed to feel things a lot more deeply than a lot of my peers -which again, is not an excuse, it just sort of was what it was. I also grew up with a stoic mama whose response to things was "you need to suck it up, little girl."  So, I did the best I could with the tools I had.  :} 

Then, though , even with all the tools, that hunger could only be put off for so long before I was just out of control.  Again and there was no room between a trigger and the reaction to sit with me and just feel it and sit still while I felt like I was drowning in whatever feeling it was.

Something about surgery drew a line for me.  Getting rid of the ROARING PANICKED hunger was huge for me. 

My husband says its like it was the perfect storm.  All the things I had done/experienced/gathered before plus whatever the *thing* was that admitting I needed help from and getting the help I needed from surgery made getting to the physical goal for more than a breath possible.

The thing that I KNOW is - the physical goal is/was just a physcial marker - like a wedding is just an physical/social sign of an internal committment, you know?  That's what the physical goal was.

The truth about relationships though, is that they change, and there is always going to be maintenance. For me, aside from the physical maintenance is the mental maintenance, which is and always will be a huge part of all of this for me. 

I do not begrudge any of it.  I really do not wish I could have had this years ago, because I really might not have been able to handle it.  Before my wedding, I got down to just a little bigger than this size (for 3 breaths) and bought my wedding dress.  I think freaked the **** out because I felt so incredibly vulnerable without the insulation, I bemoaned all the things I was "deprived" of, I resented that I was going to HAVE to do the physical exercise to keep the weight off (although, I had gone to diet center, so it was all about the FOOD, and they did NOT encourage you to exercise, because it screwed with your numbers, and thus - their seeming efficacy).

This time was different in that I had matured enough in my spirit and in my mind and really HAD come to the end of me.  I *KNEW* beyond anything else that ALL OF MY EFFORTS had not KEPT me where I wanted to be, and that I could LOSE weight, but I needed something I could maintain. And I just could not with that insane hunger PLUS all of my emotional triggers PLUS still being the ***** of the chemistry changing foods I was hooked on. 

I guess I do not look at the stuff from my past as demonic anymore, it was just a way that a person who did not know better really was trying to keep herself safe, and reasons that I used to justify the way I acted/treated myself - and was so deep in being/feeling powerless that I really just had no hope.

My handsomefacefella says I have changed, that now I *realize* the power that I always had, that he always KNEW I had, that maybe a bit of maturity has helped me to be able to handle.

Do not ever feel stupid being transparent girlie. Ever.  Not ever.  Nobody ever may respond, but it does not mean that it did not mean the world to SOMEONE. 

*squeeze*

You are such a doll, Brandilyn... such a good person!

HUGE HUG!

Please come back, girlie. 

I wish I could find the words that are in my heart as I read your post.  But for some reason I just can't communicate as well through writing as I can in person.  I just really want you to know that I was moved by your post.  You are very brave to face your "demons" and I don't think any of us can really maintain without doing the psychological work.  I did some heavy counseling about 10 years ego and it changed everything about my life except my weight.  Even after I dealt with all the emotional baggage, I could not stop eating.  I really think that the fact that I had already dealt with it before surgery made losing and maintaining much easier.  I only had to deal with the physical side of this operation, not the emotional eating side.  Had I not done the work, I think my weight loss would not have been as successful.  Sometimes I don't have the right amount of patience for people that had the surgery and yet fail to follow the rules and have poor attitudes.  It is important that I remember that if I had not worked on myself first, that could easily have been me.  Losing weight is only part of the process, getting your emotional life back in order changes everything.  Were are here for you as you go through this life changing (and affirming) process.  ((((HUGS)))).

I'm not sure why the OP says deactivated?  What happened?  I can relate to a lot of what you say.  I know that for me I was overeating as a child and started to become obese at the age of 6. 

I truly believe that overeating stretched out my stomach because when ever I tried to eat less I had such a hard time.  I once fasted for 2 months straight on nothing bu****er.  

 I have eaten low carb (high volume) for 16 years now and I'd say I was on plan honestly 99% of the time.  I have done the psychological work for sure.  

I really felt that I just could not ever get where I needed because of my stretched out stomach, and I have been saying this for years.  I did make good food choices 99% of the time. 

I'm not one of those that was out eating fast food and donuts.  I still managed to get to a high weight because I could literally sit down and eat 2 pounds of broccoli and not feel full.

I could eat a 2 pound steak and not feel full.  I could have eaten 2 pounds of chicken and been hungry a few hours later.  Eating such high volumes made it near impossible to lose weight, and the weight made it very uncomfortable to exercise, so it just kept getting worse.

I'd manage to fight the hunger so long, then lose my determination and gain back what I had lost.  When I heard about the VSG I finally had some hope and I was so excited.

I knew right away that unlike other surgeries, this would give me the main piece I was missing - volume/portion control without malabsorption which I didn't feel I needed or side effects like lap band.  I knew I could be strict with my foods without much trouble.. I'd been doing it for years.

I knew that once I got a bit of weight off, I'd have no problem hitting the gym.  I had learned to love the gym long ago, until my weight re-gain made it uncomfortable again after I lost focus for a year or so after my mother's death.

In fact today I kept telling my personal trainer to "kick my ass".  She kept saying to me, are you sure you want to say that?  She'd ask me to do 15 reps and I'd do 2-3 more just to show her how much fire I had in me.

I told her that my morbid obesity had made me have a great deal of mobility issues.  I told her to think of me as someone who used to be in a wheelchair paralyzed.   If that person could get out of that wheelchair again, what would they do with being able to walk again?

I told her I do so many things now, push my body and love to feel it move, just because I CAN.. when before I couldn't.  I was virtually in a wheelchair, paralyzed by my obesity. 

So like many people who have things taken away from them in life, I appreciate what I have much more.. and I love to use my body.   Sorry I digress.. I think that some people have stretched out stomachs or messed up metabolisms.. and that at some point they may have dealt with a great deal of their behaviors, but they still deal with physical hunger because they have stretched out their stomachs.  

Many people that know me know that I tend to get very defensive about my weight, particularly when people imply that I have not worked hard to try to lose it.  I don't know too many people who could not eat a single bite of food and only have water for 2 months.  

If that doesn't show you how hard-core I am, I don't know what does.  But many people have a hard time with hunger.. and it's just inevitable that you will fail (IMO) if you are dealing with it and don't have something to help you deal with it long term. 

I think the only way to help SOME people with stretched out stomachs is to have this surgery because it's not possible to correct past stretching issues without it, and get a fresh start.

Hope that makes sense?

This is a very special post by a person who is undoubtedly very special. For some time I have been convinced there is some physiological connection between obesity and depression but I sure don't know which causes which or if they same things cause both. And it seems pretty common for those who have wls to go through a depressed phase. But I bet a higher percentage of the obese have been treated for depression or should be and its heartbreaking that many who need treatment don't get it. I lost someone very special to me to suicide who had not had adequate treatment for depression. So it can be a fatal condition and anyone out there feeling depressed, please seek treatment.

We all have all kinds of emotional issues tied up with food and thats one thing that distinguishes many obese people from the non-obese as most non obese people deal with emotional issues in other ways - not necessarily better as some abuse alcohol or other things. But its definately a coping mechanism and one that l learned at a very early age and availed myself of for over 50 years.  While I am grateful to have not had a horrible childhood, I did suffer from untreated depression and anxiety from as far back as I can remember plus some unusual family issues  and sweets and carbs were certainly my solice and drug of choice. Always felt rotten about myself because I couldn't lose and keep off the excess weight in spite of repeated efforts and even though I was and am a person who is very determined and has been able to accomplish quite a bit by most standards. Never seemed like enough. Thinking back I know I was discriminated against professionally due to weight and certainly ridiculed and all that; all of which we know makes one want to eat more. I eventually decided there was just nothing I could do and quit all dieting efforts.

So there are so many stories like yours and mine and the others posted that it would make an interesting book. Its important that you shared your feelings and you no doubt helped others by doing so. We all need to remember to help the newbies and support each other. I am really glad you posted.  Wishing you the best for the new year and keep checking in with this group.  Diane