Hi all

Hope it's okay for me to be here...uhm...I have not admitted this to anyone....but since not having food in my life...I find myself obsessed with coffee and wanting to drink alcoholic drinks...just for a thrill...food has lost any thrill for me...I can not eat enough to even want to bother so I eat the same boring stuff......I do not drink alcohol much but I think about doing so a lot...and why this bothers me so much is for two reasons...the empty calories and the fact that my parents were alcoholics...anyway...this is my confession...hope it's okay to do true confessions on my first post here.

yep, true confessions are welcome here. care to fess up about the candy bar you shoplifted in the third grade! lol
but i hear ya about the coffee and alcohol. i have always loved coffee and drank it before and after surgery and always with half and half except for the short time i mixed it half with hot skim milk three weeks out. doesn't seem to be a big issue as i only have it in the morning but I GOTTA HAVE IT. when i was in the business world i don't think some days i woud have gotten out of bed but for the knowledge that there was cofffee made and waiting at the office.

As for alcohol, i sure like a glass of red wine now and then. went 10 months without any and now allow myself a small glass maybe 2 or 3 days a week. they say in moderation it is healthy for you. but we all know that it can get out of hand for some people especially after wls though i understand its a bigger risk for RNY people since it rushes through their systems. so maybe you just write down your drinks in your food journal as i do and can then look back and see if it seems like an issue. probably won't be.

sorry you are not enjoying any foods at all. don't know the remedy for that one. i think most of us have a phase in the first few months where food isn't very interesting and just seems like more trouble than its worth. but it seems to pass. has for me. any ideas out there?

and welcome to the group. D

Interesting that you should bring this up.  We had a guest speaker at our lastg WLS Support Group last week.  The one big question she asked those with VSG was how much wine/****tails do we drink now. 

From her experience, many with VSG WLS tend to go for wines or ****tails because they go down so easily.  She didn't seemed to be worried even if it was a glass a night, as long as we planned for it & it wasn't having a negative impact on weightloss or maintenance.

Do you think you are "think[ng] about doing so a lot" because you've made this a "forbidden" item or do you really think alcholosim may be an issue for you - especially given your family history.  If it's the first, maybe plan it into your evening a few times a week.  If you think it's the later, I think the first step is admitting it & finding someone you can talk to - counselor, close friend, family member, etc.

My transfer addiction has become shopping.  I cannot tell you how much money I've spent since having sugery.  I really need to get a handle on that as well.  Luckily, I've been able to pay off the credit card each month, but sometimes it's been tight. 

Best of luck figuring this out ... And, like Diane said, WELCOME!

welcome char great to have you onboard,  i stopped drinking coffee when i got pregnant with my first son 27 years ago, we went for a day out about 1 month ago and i bought a mocca coffee, yummm thought id try getting some and making my own but it gave me heart burn lol..

as for drinking i still havent tried any since surgery my thing seems to be shopping too, but i have replaced most everything in my wardrobe now so i dont need clothes so im slowing down ill only buy things now if i "really" like it not because i think its nice.

but i think true confessions are part of dealing with our emotions after surgery and it should be something you can discuss.

I dont think any topic should be off base here..

Hey darlingirl.. I am glad you are here and that you have shared.

Forgive me, because right now I am going to poke and push a bit, but its only because there are so many huge flags.

1 - Your roommate. He is abusive to you, you know he is, verbally and mentally.  You cannot escape into food - AND you also have him telling you that you are going to end up being fat again.  I have a wondering if this is part of why food is not appealing.  Because you do not push back at him with your words - but I wonder if this is part of your making sure he is not right. (just a wonder!?)  I know you did not mention him here, but he is a constant in your conversations, and his attitude is a constant.  And that he is not *just* a roommate, that yall used to be intimately involved means he is more aware of buttons than just a roommate would be.
2 - The coffee - cannot address that much because I do not actually find any buzz/thrill or anything with coffee, so but..
3 - The Booze. You say you are WANTING to drink.  Are you drinking?  Do you think you could want to drink - not so much for a thrill but to keep from noticing that freaking gnat of a roommate who keeps flying up your nose and in your ears so much?

Girlie - here is what is true about me, and it might NOT be true about you - but I have a heavily weighted history in terms of addiction. HEAVILY.  While food was, for the most part (I will say for the most part because I have done my share of reckless spending, drinking until it was tomorrow and wondering what happend to the rest of "today", and self-harming behaviors) my drug of choice, I have to be ON GUARD for anything else.  I mean ANYTHING else.  Exercise, sex, house cleaning, shopping, ugly thoughts in reference to me, ugly thoughts in reference to others, picking at myself (physically and mentally) and just ANYTHING else that I can overdo to distract myself from making a healthier choice (mentally and physically).  Maybe you can find a support group so you have some people in the flesh to be supportive and help hold your hand and walk with *in the flesh.*  I mean, we are going to be here, but you are living with, and by your silence condoning behavior that is threatening to you.

If you lived with a man who beat you physically, I would tell you that I would hate for the last time I saw you was coming out of your house in a body bag. 

I will tell you that I work with enough psych situations to tell you that words leave scars even deeper than fists.

You tell us things he says, and then you say it does not bother you, but if it did not bother you - why even repeat them?  Do you see what I am saying? 

I realize that you may live in a situation that you are accustomed to, and may not be able to have X thing if you are on your own - but the comfort of being able to be YOURSELF in your own place without ugliness being shooshted at you whenever that man is feeling unbalanced?  I think you cannot even comprehend that girlie.

I worry for you, I have worried for you since the beginning of his mention. I honestly generally avoid your posts because so many of them are about him, and it infuriates me for you. It infuriates me for you that he is that way, that you just brush him off, and it infuriates me for you that somehow, someway, you are not on your way to getting out of it.

I say these things because I have lived in that place and there is nothing like home not being your haven.  I say these things because I pray for you that something someway somehow changes and you are not putting yourself in the path of a predator every single day.

He is who he is, and for whatever reason he is like he is and that will not change, especially because his behavior is tolerated, but I know you type up cases of women who make horribly self-defeating choices to stay and I know you know what the end of those cases looks like.

I want so very much for you to have done all of this and gotten healthy and whole, not just to be a differently sized, shaped punching bag, and in your passiveness to be self destructive with alcohol.

I really hope you hear my heart girlie.  I pray that somehow something changes.  But things do not usually just majik up and change, we often have to push, push hard, and get way out of our comfort zone.

Just because you are used to being bullied does not make it okay. 

Again, I hope you hear my heart, I hope you hear I am fussing *to* you about a situation that if it keeps going the way it is - and that unless dude strokes out - you are the only one who is going to hurt.  I hope you hear that you have worth and value far beyond what you weigh or do not weigh, and that you have THE RIGHT to have peace in your home, and to not have people speak ugliness to you.

Edit to add - I realize your knee jerk reaction may well be to justify the situation or whatever to me, and you might can convince yourself that staying is your only option, but I will not be convinced that is it and I do not *need* to be convinced that it is, I am only saying these things because I work with ladies who lived through this, and worked with ladies who did not, because they always found a way to justify the behavior of their abuser. 

I only wanted to say these things because they come from my heart, I do have concern for you, and I *so* want peace and a nice chunk of joy for you.

For the rest of your long life that is fairly hassle free, especially at home.

Know what I mean, jellybean?

*squeeze*

Thank you sweetie…yes, at one time my “roomie" used to be my boyfriend…now, we are room mates, he sleeps on the couch, I sleep in the bed, we have not been intimate in years, so yes, at one time we were more…and yes, he knows the buttons to push to make me feel small…and I don’t meant physically…and if he were abusive physically I could leave in a heartbeat…but it’s more insidious then that. I have left 3 times in the past, the last time, my next door neighbor came to my work, asking me to take the keys back to the house, that he was crying…and how he is a good man, and her husband thinks he is a god sent, and how if he were to move for some reason, they would have to sell their house because he does so much for them. But behind closed doors and when we are alone, he is very abusive mentally, and when I have confronted him in the past, he beat me down so badly mentally that I felt like the “crazy" one…he has called me psychotic if I get stressed about something, he is the one that has made me feel I drink too much, and that is if I have more then 2 drinks in a week…I usually have that much in several months but say if I got a bottle of egg nog…if it is gone in less then 2 weeks, he brings up me drinking too much…I could go on and on, about his treatment but yes…I do need to leave, someone on my golden group has recommended this book to read about leaving called Getting free by Ginny Ni Carthy, and to contact some shelters for some outreach groups..I do feel pretty alone as far as support goes. No one believes me when I tell them about his treatment…or they think I have brought it on myself some how…what started his abusive treatment was years ago, I got an email from a former boyfriend  and all it said was happy thanksgiving…and it was addressed to both him and I but because I was “still in contact" with this person, we were just friends at that point and had been for years before I met the person I live with…I was “mind F-ing" this person…and he beat me down so bad mentally I started feeling in the wrong…and I kept apologizing even though I knew I didn’t do anything…and it has continued in that vein, if I bring up a man’s name more then twice in a week…I am either physically f-ing this person or “mind f-ing" him…I have given up fighting and apologizing…this person is diagnosed bipolar and displays all the symptoms of borderline personality disorder…we went for couples counseling at one point after I left the second time…and I tried to contact this counselor about him possibly being borderline personality disorder and all she did was bring it up to him in counseling…and he went over the symptoms point by point and shot down each one with her…and it got to the point I just threw my hands up mentally and stopped trying…

 

Sorry if this got so long but I felt the need to explain what was happening and yes, I know about the domestic abuse that goes on…but this type of abuse does not show physically…sometimes in a way this is worse…because no one sees it..

Yea, I know him.  I have seen incarnations of him all throughout my life. 

Folks who think you did this to yourself just are ignorant, they do not know - but the truth is - for some of us - we have something about us that attracts these kind of folks.  We do not do it on purpose, its just something about us that lets them know that we can be controlled.  Some stuff we know without knowing we know.. ya know?  (hey! That was confusing).

You see it. You feel it.  You wear it.

I keep you lifted up because I would love for your posts to be celebratory without his snide effing input. 

Because you deserve a bit o peace!  You and that girliegirl of yours!

I am just encouraging you to do good things for you!!  YES!!

Thinking good things for your ALWAYS!

thanks, I will attempt to make that post soon...I really am trying to build up my self esteem and to know I will really be okay, alone, with my dog...thanks for being you and caring about me...hugs...

Lots of folks care girliegirl, just some folks who care are just too dainty or PC to be pushy and say some stuff.  I am dainty like a sledgehammer.  But I really only push/ask because sometimes - we just do not tell ourselves the truth and we do not even know it until somebody pushes back a little.  I work hard so that you know, even if I am pushing, that my heart is FOR you, for your well being. 

And hooray for the folks in your golden group and them hooking you up with that book!  Babysteps, some every day!!  Babysteps will get you where you need to be too if you cannot just up n out.

Just do not get frustrated and poison him, because... you want alone time with your dog in your home! Not in jail!  Justifiable homicide or not!  :}

Edit to add - Please do somehow make steps to get yourself into a support system about the flirting with drinking.  Its a losing proposition with the weight of your home, and your biological tendencies babygirl. 

Your Rach needs you healthy, whole, sober, and not on a morphine drip just as much as you do!

Char...big cyber hugs to you sweetie.  I'm so glad you're here...miss you.

Laura