Avoid a Potentially Embarrasing Airplane Moment

I found myelf in a precarious situation flying home from Miami this April.  My son and I were seated in the emergency row exit on a completely booked flight.  I was thrilled at getting the emergency row seat because of the extra leg room, as my son is tall.

So, I get seated and settled, and the flight attendant comes to give us the if this plane goes down this is how you are supposed to save the world speach... She then asks me to fasten my seatbelt. Now, I was pre-op 330lbs then, and thick waisted. 

" Uhhm can I have a seatbelt extender" I mumbled?  

"Excuse me"? she replied. Now I know this bit#h heard me! 

"I need and Extender. It won't fasten"

"Well, I'm sorry mam, but we don't allow extenders in the emergency row for safety reasons."  Now I can't to this day figure why they don't allow extenders on the safety exit row? Is it because if you're fat you can't save people? Is it because the extenders don't open easily, and you won't be able to get unfastened to save the world? If that is the case what about the fat people on the rest of the plane with extenders? Do they just die?  At any rate, I was in a pickle.

"So, if you can't get it fastened, you'll have to move to another seat"

A faint sheen of sweat forms across my face. My stomach starts to churn. My heartbeat increases it's rhythm. My armpits are heating up. I want to vomit, I want to cry, I want to die!  How did I let myself ge tthis FAT???  WHY MEEEEE!?!?

"Well you don't have any empty seats, so where are you going to put me?"

"Well, we'll just have to make an announcement and request another passanger trade with you."

OMG!!! Is she freakin serious? The armpits are trickling now. Is she really going to announce to 100 people that my fat ass can't fit in this seatbelt and they need to trade with me or we'll have to stay in Miami?  This can't be happening to me!


Well,  I squeezed, and sucked in, and lifted, and shifted my belly fat, which was still full from the last day of Norweigan cruise  breakfast buffet, cause eventhough I had eaten enough for a Somalian village the past 7 days, I had to get my money's worth and have that last free meal.

OH MY FREAKIN GOODNESS! I can't breathe. I am sure by now all of my lower body is numb from lack of circulation, so even if this plane goes down, I still won't be able to save all these skinny people on here with me cause I can't feel my legs. But by golly I am in this stupid seatbelt, and this skinny b%tch ain't embarrasing me by making me trade seats.

She finally leaves to go on with her skinny, cute, perfect flight attendant duties... I unsnap the belt. Whew.  Son, was my face purple from not breathing?  He rolls his eyes at me. TEENAGERS!  Here she comes! Here she comes! I lay the belt across my waist unsnapped and pretend to be reading a magazine to cover up my evidence.
We take off. Lord I hope there is no turbulence, cause if there is my head is gonna hit the roof of this plan, cause there is no way I can snap myself back into this seat.


In conclusion, we made it back to Atlanta safely. It was a smooth and turbulence free ride. But, looking back, I out myself and all those passengers in danger because I was too fat to fly an hour withthe too tight seatbelt on me.


So, if you are fat.  DO NOT sit in the emergency exit row.     Otherwise your feelings WILL get hurt.

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