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What is your back-up plan? This is a question that my support group leader Dana asked me at our meeting last week.  My answer – I will have to do something else?!?!?!  This turns out to be both a statement and a question.  The emphatic part of me that will not accept defeat and the learning part of me that is not sure what something else is…  yet.

Ok – the background – over that last year – I have become an avid runner.  Losing 130 pounds makes exercise much easier and running is a freedom I could not enjoy in the past.   A week ago – my knee started hurting during a 10 mile run.  I suffered through the pain and finished my run – iced for the next few days and got a good stretch in at yoga.  Knee felt great during my next run (7miles)  so all is good right?  More yoga and all is well.  The next day – pain from almost the first step.  I tried to push through the pain but had to turn around after 3 miles (plan was for 11 miles).  Slowly walking back – I try to enjoy the beauty of the day, the flowers, the wild animals, the fresh air, but the pain is getting worse and I can barely walk.  Once I make it to a road – I call my niece and ask her to come and get me with the car – I literally cannot put weight on my knee without wincing at this point.   So doctors appointment is made for today (Monday).  I was scheduled to run a 10K yesterday -  my hubby and I argued over my intent to continue with my plan (I can be very stubborn).  In the end – I won, it is my body and I figured the damage was already done.  My compromise – if my knee hurt – I would walk.  Well I ran over the start line – feeling the twinges of pain, made it maybe an 1/8 of a mile and realized that I had better enjoy some nature watching as I was going to be walking the entire way.    Ironically – the course was not well marked and many of us missed the 10K turn around point (a 5K & ½ mar were also being run)  so my 6 miles was closer to 7…  not what my knee needed but hey that’s life – my walking finish time was 1:35:54. 

So off to the doc today – good news – he thinks I have strained my lateral collateral ligament (LCL).   Remedy – stay off my knee for 2 weeks – no running, no walking for exercise, no yoga (except gentle stretching).  In 2 weeks –re-evaluate to see if the pain has improved if not MRI to see if I actually tore the LCL.

So the question comes to mind – what is my back-up plan?  I will have to do something different!?!?!

I have a few choices –

1.       Head home and sit on my butt for the next 2 weeks feeling sorry for myself.

2.       Head home and sit on my butt, feeling sorry for myself, after hitting the store to stock up on cookies and chocolate.

3.       Find an alternate source of exercise for the next 2 weeks.

4.       Find an alternate source of exercise and deal with the emotions that I am feeling.

Prior to my RNY 2 years ago – choice #2 would have won out.  I would have drowned my poor luck, hateful body and sorrow in those dangerous foods.   I would have beat myself up repeatedly because I was doing the right thing!  I was working out and taking care of myself and look at how my body betrayed me.  The only solace I would have found would have been in some Oreos and maybe a few Twix bars.   This could still be my choice today – I would pay dearly for it – but oh maybe I need to be punished; maybe I am not good enough for the healthy life I so want.  Maybe this is just nature telling me I do not deserve the life or body of my dreams.  As you can see – this is a very self destructive cycle that I have been through many many times.

So again the question – What is the back-up plan?  What am I going to do that is different than I have done in the past.  Because suddenly this is not just a question of how I am going to get some exercise in but how am I going to handle the emotions that accompany this injury?  How am I going to handle the emotions of my body again working to defeat me?  Guess what – yoga and running ARE my coping mechanisms.    In the past I turned to food, now I turn to my running shoes or yoga matt to deal with stress.  

The beginning of doing something different:

1.       Recognize and acknowledge my feelings.   Don’t feed that pain – experience the pain and disappointment and then move on to more positive emotions.  It’s just 2 weeks and if it turns out to be more?  Then I can deal with it. 

2.       Realize that I can make other choices and that food will not make this better – if anything 2 weeks of eating will make it worse – dumping, lack of energy, maybe a few pounds – guilt!

3.       Focus on finding alternate sources of exercise.  I have been wanting to work on my arms to help with the excess skin – keep saying that I should hit the weights – well guess what – I have the time and the opportunity.   Weights, rowing, stretching maybe even some swimming – great upper body workout if you can’t use your legs.

4.       Realize that I am strong, worthy and deserving of the life I want and desire – and NOTHING is going to deter me from my wonderful life.

So my question to you is – What is your back-up plan.