Our Parents

I am getting so frustrated.  My father who lives in a small town in the mountains of VA not too close to any gastric surgeon is over 300lbs.  My mother is in great shape and will continue to be so as she works hard at keeping healthy.  My father is going to be 60 next year and has tried every diet there is probably.  He now has diabetes and will lose the use of his hips in a couple of years if he doesn't do something about his weight.  He eats out of boredom, stress and says he can eat way past feeling full (if he really ever feels full).   My mom cooks healthy meals, but my father's portions are out of control.  He has been obese ever since I was very young and is now heavier than he has ever been.  I want him to have the lap-band surgery.  My children and my sister's children are still young and my son for one practically worships my father.  I want him to be around for a lot longer.  He already has one blockage in his heart and I know it could get worse as heart disease runs on both his mother's and father's sides.  He was one of the reasons I had the surgery.  I look at him and see what I could potentially become and I don't want to do that to myself or my kids.  Is there anyway to help someone you love?  To point them in the right direction and to let them know that it is not as scary as they think it is.  He really thinks he will eat past band fullness and I have told him that is pretty much impossible to do unless you really want to suffer.  Someone out there please help me.  I want my dad to lose weight and find life.

Hi, I know how frustrating it is when you want to do something to help your Dad get healthy. All you can do is plant the seed. If you nag at him he may get stubborn and not do anything. You might sit down and have a talk and tell him how much you love him and how much you want him to be healthier. Tell him when he is ready you will be there for him. Don't harass him about it. Every once in a while ask him if he has made any decisions. I have had my band over 8 years and it is still working to keep my appetite down. I would love for my sister to have the band. She won't even discuss it. Good luck. I hope he does it soon. Mona

Hey Mona,

Thanks for your post and being a member of my OH Group.  I hope all is well with you.

Take care, Cathy

Your post is so touching.  What about saying to him just what you said in your post.  In a kind and loving way, just as you express in your post, how would that be for him?  Even if he says no and is negative, you would have shared how you feel and how important he is to you and your family.  It would give him something to think about and consider.  Just as Mona shared in her response, you would have planted the seed and possibly started the process for him.

Let him know he is a VIP in your heart and family.

Please let us know how it goes.  Thanks for sharing.

Cathy

I am in your very shoes sweety! My mother is deathly morbidly obese (if that is even a category. hehe) She has been obese my entire life time and like your father, has tried everything from pills to weigh****chers! Nothing has stuck nor helped her to stay focused and lose weight. She used raising her children alone, putting herself through school and supporting them as an excuse for coming home from school/work and just laying on the couch stuffing fast food into her mouth.

My mom is my hero. What she has done at a time that the norm was mothers staying at home and raising kids, she was a trailblazer and did what it took to support her family. in doing that she trade her active healthy life style for one of laziness and over eating. She felt that it was not a priority and so, to this day she still doesn't.

My brother back in early 2000 offered to pay for her to have the RNY done at the premier WLS hospital at the time, and she turned him down, much for the same reasons as your father, fear. She was afraid she would die and about the malabsurption.

A few years after that I discussed frankly about her weight and asked her point blank if she wanted to be around to see her grandchildren grow up. If she wanted to be a burden to us in her later years because she could no longer care for herself because of her weight. She became stubborn and of course was hurt by my straight forward manner. It was a slap in the face to her that her food choices were hurting her family. The very family that she had sacrificed EVERYTHING to support. How dare we!! She doesn't see that her health is hurting us and pains us to no end because of the great love we have for her and the fear of not having her around and having her health erode because of her poor eating habits and never exercising!

Recently my husband I have made a will that if we should die then the custody of our children will go to my brother. Not my mother. I told her that I would NOT consign my children to being raised by someone that can't even walk up or down a flight of stairs! I have young, active children. I can NOT saddle them with someone that is going to teach them the horrible eating habits that I was raised on. It's not fair to them! I was going to place my brother their guardian, until my mother let it slip that he had said if he was given guardianship then he'd move in with my mom so they could raise the kids together. We have since changed our will. I told my mom if she would lose the weight and improve her health then we would change the will to reflect her as guardian. If she could run, play and be active with my kids. Take them on outings to the park, zoo, and swimming.

When I had my sleeve surgery I was very hesitant to tell her knowing how she felt about WLS (from when my brother approached her about it), and found that she was VERY supportive and thought it was a wonderful idea! She has really been a positive cheerleader and supporter. I have not broached the topic of her having WLS, as I don't think her insurance will cover it. But, maybe when I see her this summer I might very well speak to her about it. I'd urge her to have the sleeve surgery as I have had and I hope when she sees me and the results I have had she'll be inspired to contact her doctor and see what options are available to her. I have been praying very hard about it.

I suppose the moral in this long explanation is that as many times as we have spoken to my mom about her weight, how we feel about it and the effect on her family, it is still up to her and your dad. We can only express our love and concern at their health and hope that their love they have for us will once more hopefully open their eyes and encourage them to take care of themselves and get healthy, if not for them, then for us! But in the end. It's their choice. Sadly sometimes those habits of a life time just are stronger then their will power and their wanting to get healthy. Sometimes getting healthy is simply too hard for them. The choice to change and actually change can seem insurmountable. Little do they know that it's not. Hopefully with your success your father will see that his loving, wonderful, beautiful daughter has changed not only her body, but life to be healthier, and happier.

Good luck hun! I've walked that path and I failed. I hope and pray you are able to reach your dad and he gets healthy for himself and for his family!!
*big supportive hugs*