Knock some sense into me

I posted this on the BOTT board as well...

Even the most dedicated WLS patient slips up, relapses, or loses motivation...

I am hell-bent on making this surgery work.  I am hell-bent on getting back on track... but I have slipped up the last few days.  I have been feeling horrible lately (painful... see my signature "What is Interstitial Cystitis").  So, I've not exactly been focused on my RNY. 

I know that you can only make one change at a time (realistically).  I am in the "planning" stages of getting back on track (cleaning out the cupboards, stocking the fridge/freezer/pantry with healthy staples, etc).  I did go and buy some healthy food (fresh chicken breast, fresh veggies (I love veggies), frozen vegetables, bottled water, oatmeal, etc)... but I brought unhealthy foods into my apartment and I know better. 

Those DAMN Reece's Eggs.  I can handle having dark chocolate in my freezer.  I'll have a piece once in a while as a treat.  But peanut butter cups are a weakness of mine.  Every year, they come out with those egg shaped ones and they are 10,000X better than the original peanut butter cup.  I can't wait until Easter is over and I won't be tempted.  So... what did I do that is so bad???  I bought 3 (THREE!) packages.  I ate one package in one day (where there are SIX of these eggs per package... holy crap!)  I don't usually binge on things, but because they are labeled as "off limits" post-RNY, I guess I felt like I could eat them if I want to since I don't dump on chocolate and wanted to rebel (when I had my band, everything in moderation was my motto and as a result, I didn't overdo it on sweets or junk food... those things were rare actually).  I do dump on a few things, but not sweets.  I dump on fruit, especially in the morning... but I also can't eat fruit for a bladder reason... so I don't really have any "desserts" post-RNY and I got carried away with these old-time favorite treat once I had the taste of one. 

Anyways... kick me... remind me why I got RNY.  I know I got RNY to be healthier and unfortunately, I am sicker since my RNY... so I have a hard time saying that my RNY was worth it.  I am down between 65-75 pounds (depending on the week).  Clearly I want to lose more (oh, say another 130 pounds more).  I even had potatoes yesterday, which I have been avoiding for the most part since they are not nutrient-dense.  I am hoping to one day exercise again.  That is so important for me (health wise, sleep wise, energy wise, and weight wise).  I haven't been able to exercise in over 2 years.  I saw my pain doctor  yesterday and he has me on a new plan.  So... maybe one day soon I can start doing some light exercise (Yoga, water walking, etc).  I hope so...

Sigh... it is around 4:45am and hopefully I can fall asleep soon (I have trouble with insomnia lately).  The lack of sleep is not making food choices any easier.  I am also ravenous, all the time.  Even when I am eating high protein, low carb meals (no, RNY did nothing for my hunger... I'm one of the unlucky few that has post-op hunger trouble regardless of the kind of diet).  Vitamins are torture (it is what caused the severe pain the last few days). 

I am heading off to bed and then I hope tomorrow is a better day food wise.  Protein has been low the last few days on top of the higher intake of sugary treats. 

I guess I could use a kick in the butt, reassurance that slip ups are normal, that I can do this, that I will feel better one day and feel grateful for this surgery.  I wish I could just stop eating all together.  I hate to admit this, but I am jealous of anorexics.  I get so little pleasure out of food.  Salad is one of my favorite foods and I could take it or leave it these days.  The PB eggs tasted good, but not as good as they used to.  Two things I have been craving (and can't eat... they don't go past my stoma) are pickles and deli turkey or ham, but alas, that obstructs me (every time).   I really wish I could eat those again :(

I'm just feeling a total lack of motivation the last few days and I don't want to fall off the wagon (I have been working so hard to make positive changes... I'm not ON TRACK, but I don't want to undo the positive changes that I have made recently).  Shake some sense into me?  Thank you!

Alyssa,
I have so many thoughts on your post.
I love the internet .. but sometimes being across from that person makes it so much better. I will do my best to cover everything .
Ok .. first off .. you are taking the first step in being accountable and recognizing you are having difficulties.
And yes , I am sure that you had your RNY to get healthy .
You have started to name those trigger foods.
Reese Cups - Reese Egss .. Potatoes ...
Am I saying you can never have these ?? No .. this is what I do when it comes to my favorite foods. I am a foodie .. I love food . But with my RNY I have found it sometimes impossible to eat them. But I do have a few I can still eat . I allow myself once a week to pick one of my favorite foods and I eat it . I do not gorge on it but I allow a small portion, one that does not over see the one serving allowance. Whether it is icecream .. or a piece of candy .. I do treat myself . I refuse to deprive myself .. as I know my mind set .. and I will sneak and do it and hate myself afterwards.

Ok .. trigger foods .. Now .. you need to identify those moments that may drive you to eat these things .. or to eat things that are not healthy for you .

Let's say you are driving by a Burger King ( My favorite place pre-surgery ) and you have had the crappiest day ever .. just nothing is going your way and damnit .. you want that box of fries and a burger .. Do you now stop to think what the consequeses are if you eat this .. Do you stop to remember your RNY . your tool .. do you think of things that you can do to get that car to drive past that BK ? Lot's to think about yea ? But you can do it . no matter where you are .. Once you get in your mind that YOU are more important than that burger .. and steer that car on past .. and perhaps go home to make you a healthy lunch.. You will thank yourself later.. But it is all in recognizing those trigger moments as well .

Your already making those changes to get on track .. Cleaning out the cabinets .. making healthy food choices . So when all of this happens , it can become easier for you . But I am here to tell you you gotta get those trigger foods out of the house .. it has to happen in order for you to move towards your goal .

I know you want this , you would not have reached out today if you where no serious. So .. get serious . Do you have any goals written down.? Things you want to do once you are at a healthy weight ? One thing you can do is put these goals on your fridge . What I did was cut pictures of ladies in a bikinin out .. I cut out pretty bras , women on the beach . I found pictures of airplanes , for my travel bug .. But these stayed on my fridge until I got to goal . Now on my fridge is the picture of me the day of my surgery . This to me is enough motivation , to chose that damn yogurt versus sneaking that caramel cream .. or ice cream sundae cone ... I never want to go back .. and I cry sometimes thinking that I HOLD ALL OF THIS IN MY HAND .. that the very hand that can chose that bad food .. can chose the good food .. and my health will not be jeapordized .

So, find out what motivates you ..? What goals do you want to achieve . Ask yourself how sabatoging yourself is going to knock you out of the running to obtain those .
The above exercise is just one I can offer when dealing with this type of thing .

Slip ups .. Normal .. Hell yes !!! I have done it more than once .. and ya know what sweety .. tommorow is another day .. and I can do it all over again .. and get it right the next time. Don't beat yourself up over it, recognize it and do better . Move On !! 

Now let's talk about your Protein .. and Water ..
You say you have been ravenous ..  I have learned not only from my own body , but from my studies. If you keep your water levels up , the craving for food goes away . and you stay with that full feeling . Same with protein . Do you do shakes or suppliment your protein ? Do you have a protein goal per day .. Water goal . This is a must in order to be succesfull with this tool RNY .
Water will help to speed up your motabolism as well . If you are lacking in these areas , it may be the answer for a lot going on with you .
I see you are having problems with some food types . I would get a paper and pen out and write down all the foods you CAN eat .. versus thinking about foods you cannot . Keep these foods handy and around you so when you are hungry .. there is no other choice to make but the best one .

Ok .. I am probably leaving a lot out .. and I wish you where sitting here .. but ..
Vitamins ..I see you mentioned are torture . YOU MUST DO THEM .. so let's try to find one you can .. What type are you doing now ? Can you try a liquid ? Is it that they are too big for your pouch? I do Bariatric Advantage chewables.. for the same reason . Pills made me sick .. and I know I have to do them .. and OMG I  love them .. the calcium too .. both chewable .. and they taste like Sweet Tarts .. Do you remember that candy ? Was my favorite .. so they are actually a treat for me .

Insomnia .. OMG do we all get this after surgery . I know so many people who now suffer with this .. My surgeon says it is because of the weightloss and the added energy we now have . It has been 5 years .. and I would love to get more than 3 hours a night ..

You can do this Alyssa .. I know you can .. Just know that the alternative to not doing this is gaining the weight back , having any of your co-morbities return if you had any .. or possibly getting them . That would be so sad .. to go through all of this and end up sicker than you where to start with .

I will leave it at all of this for now .. I hope we can open up some good conversations on this . This group is new and just getting started . So as time goes on I hope that more come to the boards to partiapate .

I know you can do this .. and you know you can ..

Much love and respect for you taking a stand ... and fighting back against Obesity !!

Tink ..
( who did not do spell ck this time .. sorry ) 

I wanted to say thank you for your heartfelt response and I also wanted to take the time and discuss all of it this weekend!  Thank you again!  There is a lot to talk about there!  For example... I got RNY to prevent diseases like hypertension or diabetes... but I actually had no obesity related co-morbidies (my mom and grandma died from obesity related diseases though... both were young... my mom at the age of 50 and her mom around 64... I was a ticking time bomb... but was fortunate to have no co-morbidities). 

... but getting the RNY has actually made me sicker than I have ever been in my life.  That is the huge HUGE factor as to why I couldn't do it.

Sometimes I feel like I have given up, and other times, I feel strong.  I went to Cheesecake Factory with a friend for dinner.  (I had a coupon for a free slice of cheesecake or cake... soooo tempting).  I ordered a wonderful steak, had asparagus, some potato (only had a few bites... and for an Irish girl that loves her potatoes, that was restraint!).  I had a small piece of bread.  I only ate maybe 25% of my meal... which was delish!  Oh... and it was a nice meal because the waitor was flirting like crazy with me... I thought so at first, but my friend had to point it out every time he checked on "us"... he was only looking at me.  Nights like tonight, I wish I had the guts to ask for his number!  Maybe getting that kind of attention or flattery helped me resist dessert... but I was able to say no to the dessert.  I picked out my favorite flavor (Carrot cake Cheesecake) and when I dropped my friend off at home, I slipped it into her fridge for her family to enjoy!  They were happy of course!  That dessert is heaven and I turned it down with ease... but why is it easy some days and other days, harder.

Oh... the hunger thing... that is a difficult topic.  I was warned pre-op that my hunger wouldn't likely be helped.  I have had a satiety problem since infancy.  Surprised to find the band helped it, but RNY has done nothing for it.  I am constantly hungry.  Sometimes the nausea (especially in the morning) is strong enough that I don't want to eat... but I am still ravenous.  Sigh... it's a tough topic.  I too wish we could be sitting down discussing it!  When are you coming to South Florida?    hehe!