Very Vulnerable and Personal Post about Bipolar, Weight loss, and Weight loss surgery. VSG

I just posted a blog entry that was very personal and scatterbrained but it must be addressed. I was diagnosed Bipolar in 2000. I've been on the same meds since 2003. These meds are weight gaining meds and for years I had no problem with this. It seems that since my surgery this isn't true any longer. Or shortly before my surgery. See I am not someone who has struggled with my weight my entire life. Instead my story is different. in 2000 I was 25 yrs old. Shortly before my 25 th birthday I was diagnosed bipolar and those are the absolute darkest days of my life. I was suicidal and there was nothing right about my life. I cried for 2 yrs straight, I slept for 2 yrs straight, and I learned to turn to food for all the wrongs in my life. This was mostly due to the fact that one of the medications (several of the medications) turned off that little switch inside that tells you that you are full. I was in the psychiatric ward for 17 days my first visit and when I went in I weighed a healthy 145 when I got out I weighed in at about 180. That's only 16 lbs less than I am now. I didn't understand bipolar and how medication worked when you are bipolar. When I became stable I believed that I no longer needed my medications. I was stable for two years and in that time I went from 235 to 164. I no longer ate away my feelings and I was content. When the bipolar got bad again my eating habits returned. I went back up to 235 thanks to medications. after a few years I stablized and I began losing weight despite the fact that one of the side effects of the medications COULD make you gain weight. Well I began counting calories and exercising regularly because I was feeling stable and able to do this. See when you are bipolar and in a low you believe, not even feel but believe that you can't do anything. No it's not being lazy, no you can't just ell yourself get over and do it, it is debilitating. When I started feeling better I began exercising and eating right. I did this for two years and lost 100 lbs. I counted every calorie that went into my body as many of you do today. I was not obsessed with the scale but instead I weighed in to see progress once a week. I didn't freak out if I couldn't weigh myself and often times even forgot my weigh in day. I felt amazing. I began slacking on my medications and would forget to take them. I began gaining weight and in less than a year I gained it all back. I mean ALL of it. Iwas back up to 235. I am 5'3 and 235 is way morbidly obese. I couldn't breathe I couldn't move and I was just a mess. I decided I would have weight loss surgery because I was hungry all of the time. I was eating to get rid of my feelings and I didn't realize it but the effects on my body due to the medication changed. I was now gaining because of the medications. Anyway I had my surgery and due to my medications and my need to eat away my emotions and guilt of my bipolar life and decisions, I lost very slowly. By five months out I stopped losing. By 9 months I stablized and by 11 months I was gaining weight. My lowest weight since surgery was 170. I am now back up to 194-199. I am eating my emotions and I am not stable with my medications. I have to have a med change and I'm terrified. At the present moment my family doctor (I do not have a pysch doctor) has cut one of my medications in half. This is as of yesterday. I'm feeling hungry all the time but I realize this is the medication and head hunger because on days that my bipolar is not real bad, I eat less, or it's easier not to over eat and graze. I'm making an appointment with a psych doctor because my family doctor will not mess with psych meds. It could be several months before I can get in to see a psych doctor so I'm praying that the weight gain doesnt' continue during the next several months. I'm really struggling here and I'm nto sure what to do or how to do it. WHen I get into see the pscyh doctor I'm going to insist that I am not given any weight gaining medications. i will not take anything that causes ewight gain. See I only had sleep apnea when I went in for surgery almost 2 yrs ago, now I still have sleep apnea, I have extremely high blood pressure, and I'm being checked for diabetes because I've been on these medications so long and my body is just acting wrong. The doctor can't say for sure if this is due to diabetes or because of my medication but I've discovered by joining this group and attempting to get back on track that I can not eat and drink just protien shakes and no sugar. When I do I not only gain weight more quickly but my body kind of goes into shock. Or physically messes with me. I get extremely sick and feel dizzy, extremely tired, and just not right. I am hoping to hear back soon about the sugar test but diabetes scares me to death. My mother is diabetic and last week had to be taken to the er because her sugar was so bad that she was passing out and they thought they were going to lose her. It was extremely scary. Any way, I am nto sure if anyone out there has a story like me but I would love to knwo what medications you are on that do not cause weight gain, and I would love to know from a surgical perspective what you are doing to get back on track or even lose weight period if you never got off track. Please do not write saying that I'm lazy, that I need to just do it, that I'm making excuses because these are far from true. There is nothing in me that wants me to be heavy any longer. There is nothing in me that doesnt' want this. Geeze I wouldnt' have put myself through surgery if I didn't wnat a healthier me. Ok that's my very long story I hope to hear back from you even if you can't relate. i jsut want others to know the trials I am facing.

While I do not share your personal struggle, I can certainly empathize with your situation.  I work in mental health and with client's who suffer with mental illness.  Your concerns about medication are very real. Some of them to produce weight gain.  I am not sure if you are having insurance issues or if there are limited resources  where you are, but as you mentioned meeting with a psychiatrist to discuss your concerns would be the best.  I know your doc is doing the blood work as some of the medications due raise insulin levels which lead to diabetes.  So I am glad that you are having that done.  You know what to do as you have been successful in losing weight before. It sounds like when your illness is not well managed it over rides your ability to focus and concentrate on your weight loss.  I understand the illness, also having family members that are bi-polar.  Do you have any support for your mental illness.  There are organizations such as NAMI that run free groups. The state clinics also accept pts at now charge if this is the issue.  Are there any case management services you could utilize?  You need a tremendous amount of support and I would try and seek it out wherever you can find it.  Do the best you can each day.  Maximize the days you are feeling well to do the first best you can on your food plan.  At this point maintaining where you are without gaining my be a realistic goal.  Wishing you the best in your ongoing recovery.

I'm glad that you felt safe with us to share your post.  I can't imagine anyone would think you are lazy.  My heart and support are with you.

Until you can see the psych doctor, I agree with drea29.  Maintain the best you can and take care of how you're feeling.  When you're on the right meds, then you'll be able to focus on the other things.  

You've shown lots of courage dealing with the trials you have.  

Hi there. I do not have any experience with what you are going through.  I do however support you and send you a big hug.  Get the medical and mental aid you need and just put one foot in front of the other.  Take good care of yourself and keep sharing! 

Thank you everyone. I have faith that i will get through this it's just that the weight loss aspect is going to be slow going or non existent for a while. I'm still trying to stay on track but also trying not to beat myself up over the scale.