I'm so Lost and feel like a big failure.

I want to have revision surgery because I will be forced to start from stage one and since I already had the VSG my only option is to upgrade to DS. Which will bring dumping syndrom possibly and that's enough to cause me not to do it. Proof of that is that I still don't drink carbonated drinks or drink for 20-45 min after eating. Not because I had a bad experience but because of the warnings when I had the surgery. I just can't seem to get back on track. I don't even know where to start. I've put on almost 30 of the 59 lbs that I lost from surgery. I am eating like i did preop and am having the hardest time changing that. I will start to do good in the morning but between drinking coffee with sugar and creamer and when evening hits not only do I go off my food plan but I also go way over my calories. I'm stuck!!! I started at 229 and I'm now up to 199 I just can't believe how messed up I feel and how terrible I'm doing. I have a buddy trying to go back to basics with me and she's lost 15 lbs I lost 5 then put it plus three back on. How do I get back on track and stick to it. i have no will power any more when I feel like such a failure I feel there is no point in trying. There is always that little voice saying you can't do it so give up now. I can't go to a therapist there are NONE in a 85 mile radius that deals with eating disorders and OA doesn't really accept me because I "cheated" having weight loss surgery. How do I break this cycle? I'm so lost. 

Regain sucks.  It is a physical issue but even more so is the emotional drain.  You are not a failure!  You aren't alone either.  Many of us have regained weight.  You aren't alone in the regain.  I've had two regains since I had surgery in 2001.  I understand how you're feeling.  I've lost my regain thankfully.  You can too!  

What are the habits you've returned to since losing weight originally?  For me, I went back to eating processed foods, sugary simple carbs and grazing.  I suggest that you make a list of the habits that you need to break.  As an example, if you're eating too many carbs, tackle that one habit.  Limit the carbs you're eating and make them complex carbs (non-starchy vegetables, oatmeal, sweet potatoes, etc).  Limit the carbs for three to four weeks.  

Once you've limited your carbs and changed that habit, take on the next habit.  Break that habit for the same period of time.  Continue on until each one of your off track habits has been changed.  Don't take on all of your habits at once because it can be overwhelming or too much so we quit trying.  During the three to four weeks if you veer off a day, pick up and continue on to the three or four weeks.  Think progress not perfection.  

When you've been on track with each of your habits, you've created a momentum of being on track.  That momentum is empowering and will encourage you to keep it going.  

I encourage you to keep track of your food and activity.  When you log your food (OH's Health Tracker, My Fitness Pal, etc.), you are giving accountability to yourself.  Stay active on the message boards.  Post here with updates as to how you're doing, check the VSG board or any of the others.  There is something about being active with other members that really kept me focused to stay on track.  

The DS is a good, solid procedure.  If you want to have revision surgery, do it.  If you want to be on track, no revision is going to do that for you long term.  WLS is only a tool and it is up to us to use it.

WLS isn't a diet, it is a lifestyle.  We don't fail, we veer off track and need to get back on track.  You can do this!!  

Thank you Kathy, I'm going to try doing what you suggested. I'm not sure where to start. Maybe the grazing aspect is the best to start with. Three meals and that's it and go from there. Or maybe I should start by being active. Absolutely everything I'm supposed to be doing I am nto doing anymore. So I'm starting from scratch all over. I just don't know how or where to start. Grazing should be my first big attempt. Thank you again. I still think I'm going to have the revision if my insurance will pay for it.

It doesn't matter which habit you start with.  It just matters that you start.  I'd say whatever one is the easiest and most doable to take on.  

As an example, if you're grazing all day, start small.  Only allow yourself to graze for a certain period of the day and build momentum from there.  

If you decide to move forward and revise to a DS, go for it.  There are many, many members that have a DS and are very happy with it, and have had successful results.  Check out the DS message board for information and support.  If the DS had been an option for me, I would have seriously considered it for myself.

I'm going to try again tomorrow. I'm not drinking my coffee again but since today was my first day I barely drank anything at all. I probably only had 8-16 oz of water. Nothing else. So tomorrow I'm going to focus on drinking more. When I get back to drinking water regularly I'm going to go to grazing next. I was just reminded of a time that I was verbally attacked because of my weight bringing on much sadness. I don't want that happening to me again, i don't want to be asked when I'm due again, I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just want to feel secure in my own body.

I wish there was therapist anywhere near me that deal with eating disorders. I am kind of on my own.

I made it through yesterday without grazing and sticking to 1000 calories. I managed to walk about 45 min total not all at once but in 15 min increments. I drank enough water that I'm starting to loose water weight. I'm back down to 194. 4 more pounds and I'll be at where I was before the water weight started. I have a lot more water to drink today because the saurkraut I'm eating is very high in sodium. I'm still retaining water because my socks are leaving marks and my hands and feet hurt from being swollen. I had no idea I had gained so much in water weight but apparently it was quite a bit or I wouldn't still be hurting after loosing 5 lbs in water. I'm supposed to be on water pills but my doctor forgot to refill them  this month so I haven't had them and I blew up like a balloon. I think I will be ok if I can keep upping my water intake. So I'm making small changes. I'm striving for two short walks a day and upping my water. I will be more diligent on my grazing when I get those two things down. I appreciate all of the support. I really do.

Today I'm proud of myself. It was not a perfect day but I will be keeping my calories below 1000, I drank some water and plan to drink a little more throughout the evening, I'm going to go for a walk, not far but still a walk, I DID have doritos today but opted for the small bag rather than a big bag and eating the whole thing lol. I didn't even get the grab bag but one of the little tiny bags instead. I only had two cups of coffee today instead of 6 or more. I also made tons of saurkraut and keilbasa. Since I don't eat 1/2 oz of keilbasa at a time but less, I will fill up on saurkraut which has next to no calories. I made enough that I can live off of it for the next couple of days. I'm very excited about that! Over all I think I did really good. I know to many of you it won't seem very good but for me this is an excellent day. I'm going to try walking for 20 min. I only walked for about 10 yesterday. It's really cold out today but it's going to be in the 40's tomorrow and sunday. I look forward to that because I want to make a good effort at walking.

I had another good day, not as good as the previous days but yesterday was still well below my daily calories burned. I'm not beating myself up over it, I still got my walk in and that's what matters. Today I'm focusing on water and calories. I really have to watch both because I barely slept last night and ended up eating breakfast around 4:30 this morning when usually I don't eat my first meal until around noon. I also tend to drink less water and more coffee on days that I don't sleep so I had one cup of coffee so far and I'm going to drink my 33.8 oz bottle of water before I drink any more coffee. Then if I need more coffee I will have some after. I will just keep going back and forth. Because I'm choosing such a large water bottle do drink out of I'm hoping that will cut some of my coffee today. I've lost some of my water weight but not all of it because my wedding rings do not turn on my finger because of swelling and my feet and ankles hurt from the swelling. it's bad enough that my socks are leaving marks on my ankles.

I did some emotional eating last night but still stayed below my calories. I'm doing excellent logging everything, even when I'm ashamed and don't want to. I found out yesterday it actually makes me feel better about my screw ups because I'm not feeling like I totally blew it. I realized that even having a bad day I didn't go above my calories where I would have normally just pigged out thinking I screwed up anyway.

I'm happy with my progress so far. Not so much because it's coming off fast but because I'm sticking to it and it's getting easier every day. The worst part was starting but now it's not so bad. Believe me though, it was HELL starting. I really had the worst time. I kept screwing up and it took me a good couple of months to finally start and keep to it for more than 6 or 7 hrs. Now i'm on day 4 or 5 and I'm doing good.

I've been eating saurkraut one meal a day (cut it down to one because of the sodium ) and it should be gone by tuesday or wednesday. I'm going shopping wednesday and I plan to get stuff to make a salad to last me the rest of the week. That will be comparable calorie replacement for the saurkraut and keilbasa. Maybe even less calories since there are so many in the Keilbasa. I just have to find a vinegrette dressing I like because I've been on a Ranch dressing kick lately and there are SO many calories in it. I'm so proud of myself. I'm doing good. I'm glad I got started, I'm glad I found this group, I'm so happy for the advice i was given about how to get back on track!! It's helping so much. The other groups have never suggested just starting with one thing at a time. That is so much less stressful than the all or nothing approach the other forums stand by.  It is also so much easier. I found that because the pressure isn't as great that I am able to do more than one goal at a time.

I can't wait until spring! I'm going to try getting my walking back to jogging in early spring and do a 5k in the fall. HOPING!! My asthma has been pretty bad lately but I'm hoping if I keep exercising and start loosing that it will get better. I can't wait until I can start jogging again. I loved it before. It was freeing and I felt amazing after each time. I would usually go for an hour or so. it was wonderful.

I'm hopefully moving in the next couple of months and it's going to be a BIG move. I'm on the east coast right now and looking to move to Oregon again. So unless I moved to Alaska I couldn't move any further away than we are looking lol. It's been stressful trying to figure out the money for the move and finding a place so I'm finding I want to eat when I'm bored or stressed. I'm trying to keep busy and not do that. But I'm more in tune with my body now and can tell that I'm eating out of emotion and not out of hunger.

OH, I also wanted to let everyone know that even without my water pills (which I'm calling about today) I am back down to 194! Yay. I think i will drop the other 4 lbs as soon as I get the water pills back in me. Oh how nice it will be to be below 190 again. Just 5 lbs!!! Ok I'm not sure if anyone has been reading these updates, if so I would love to hear what you are thinking or how you have done this or are trying to do it, but at the same time this is just as much as keeping myself accountable as it is about keeping everyone posted on my progress. I've been logging everything even when I don't want to and that's helping as well. It's even better if I log it right before I'm about to eat it because then i see what the consequences will be if I eat when I shouldn't be. Anyway, have a wonderful healthy day all

Thanks so much for sharing. I am new to this group. Although I have not regained yet, I am eating badly and making bad food choices, so I can totally relate to you.

I think you are doing great! You have already changed 2 habits - awesome! 

I also started tracking as per Cathy's advice. It does make me feel more accountable and better about myself. My suggestion would be to walk as much as possible - it is good for the body and the soul. Do not focus so much on your weight - focus on being healthy and respectful to your body.

I am looking forward to following your journey.

Thank you, yesterday was a rough day but I stayed below my daily burned calories. I'm pretty proud of myself :D I didn't walk yesterday but I'm going to make up for it today. I still need to keep working on the water. Some days are better than others and yesterday wasn't the best day. It was an emotional day so I had some emotional eating but it wasn't as bad as it normally would have been.

I'm glad you found this group before you started gaining. I've only been here a short time but I'm so relieved to be here. It gives a different perspective on being where I am. It makes me feel better and not being such a failure.