What is your motivation?

Hey stranger. I'm so glad you posted, I've been wondering where you were.

 

Hi... Just life... following my plan..

With the same things.. same foods , lack of exercise... not much to post. But I read.. 

good to see you doing good... 

What is my motivation?  To not hate my body (myself) every waking hour.  My first thought in the morning and my last thought before I go to sleep is self-loathe.  It's not a conscious thing and  I'm sure it's a byproduct of my depression, but, after I lost my weight , one morning when I woke up, I felt confusion because I realized that for the first time in as long as I could remember, I didn't hate myself.  My first thought of the day was a happy and positive outlook.  Unfortunately, that amazing feeling slowly slipped away as, ever so slowly, I allowed the hated pounds to creep back on, attacking not only my body, but my mind as well. 

Fortunately, I have always managed to keep these feelings to myself and remain functional regarding my job and my family/friends.  I keep it to myself (and my therapist) and now here, because I feel safe being completely honest in this forum.  I am working hard on myself to get rid of that tear that is hiding behind every smile.  That...is motivation. 

I am so glad you feel safe here. To know we have a forum where we can put it all out there and not feel judged is a wonderful thing.

- Iris

My motivation is fear, mostly fear of an unlived life. My daily struggle is about overcoming my desire to isolate and overeat (or down some xanax with a beer or two), and opt for identifying and then acting upon concrete activities that add meaning to my life and work. Without real meaning, I turn to food, drugs and alcohol for comfort.

Once I'd lost about 140 pounds, I realized I'm a cross-addict ... who knew? If I can't eat for comfort, I'll pop prescription pills and wash them down with a margarita or a nice, cold Negro Modelo or two. Knocking myself out at night with xanax and a couple beers worked for a while and actually helped me keep my weight off. Until about a year later, when I realized I was driving around at night wasted and not remembering it in the morning.

My food addiction is no different than drug addiction or alcoholism, and now I know that if I can't eat, I'll pop pills and drink. So, as difficult as this has been, I've come to understand that I have a disease that I'm going to have to manage for the rest of my life, one day at a time. I work a 12-step program to teach myself how to live without pounding down food every time I feel an emotion, positive or negative. I cannot eat sugar or simple carbs without waking up my carb monster, which is way too difficult to put back to sleep. I view my low-carb way of eating as a kind of chemical castration ... once I eat sugar, I will rape and pillage your cookies, cake, bread and pasta, and it will not be pretty. Sometimes not being able to eat sugar feels like a prison sentence until I realize real prison is being locked away inside a 300+ pound body. So, my choice is clear.

I don't remember what book I was reading but it talked about food addiction being the hardest addiction to regain control of. There's no "cold turkey" detox program. You have to fuel your body or else you die...period. True we don't have to accomodate the carb monster and his insane cravings/demands but finding that balance is hard.

I appreciate your honesty in sharing your struggle and your motivation.

- Iris

This really is a safe place.  We can actually voice our real thoughts/feelings without being judged.  That's what keeps me coming back here.  And sometimes 'saying it out loud' is enough relief to be able to move on from the godawful moment we find outself in.  Thanks everyone.

Thank you everyone for posting. Its clear we share some motivations, but that we are all on our own path as well. So what is the next logical step? We have our reasons to get back on plan.......so what is a plan or rather what is it made up of?  I am going to cheat a little bit and call it right out. The plan is made up of two pieces: Diet and Exercise. Both supported by Tools and Techniques.  How about another thread on Diet first?

 

Great question and deeply moving replies. I can see myself in many of you responses. My motivation is now my children. I had RNY in 2006 when I was 42 and 7 months before I got married. I wanted to be healthier, so my body would better do all the active things we wanted to do. It's not easy to get pregnant when in your 40s, but finally with IVF we have two wonderful children who are now 5 and 3. We owe it to them to be as healthy as we can be, to be around for them for as long as we can, to be active with them, to run and play. We also must be excellent examples of eating healthy foods, in healthy amounts, and teach them a healthy attitude toward food -- that it's fuel for our bodies, not a security blanket. Teach them to express feelings rather than bury them, to have great self esteem rather than self loathing. We need to model that exercise is a fun and essential part of life. I want to age well and not be a burden to them.

Jennifer