Lying and Hiding and New Hope

March 2010 when I had my surgery I never thought that I would ever have to worry about regain because of the shame and the pain of weighing 350 lbs along with have a physical job...I was sure that I would never snub the rules and that I would be a success. Originally by my first year surgiversary and when I went to meet with my surgeon and at 5'8" I got down to 185 and me and my surgeon was thrilled with my success...and I felt AMAZING...I felt like a SUCCESS. 

I knew at the onset that I was and always would be a compulsive eater and that I would have to face the daily challenge...and so to my delight I didn't feel any physical hunger that first year either. 

As the months progressed after that first year I began to get lax and started to dabble where I shouldn't have. I gained all the way up to 245 lbs. My husband came around to thinking that he wanted to have the surgery too. I began this sort of love/hate relationship with his food behaviors...panzerottis..chips..chocolate etc..I found myself getting that high just from knowing I would be consuming it ...and I did..hence the 245 lbs. 

As the past year went by I was trying not to gain more weight while waiting for my husband's surgery date...it was like a life preserver being thrown to me too...he had surgery September 11 2013. 

It feels so GOOD to have a partner and my weight is down to 220.3 since that day and still losing as my tool still works. My home is my safe haven again. We have only foods that we eat and can eat in our home and we write our menus down ahead in our books and my blood sugar is stabilized.

I wanted to write this to show empathy for those who live with people who disregard our addiction or perhaps are so deep in their own they can't help. We can come back from weigh gain and be stronger because of what we've learned.

I have a new goal...to weigh 179 by March 29 2014...it's doable. I'm going to go to the DR with my husband. 

Never give up hope.....

Congratulations to you & your Husband.

You said that your home is your "safe haven". That really struck home for me. In cleaning this weekend I realized just how much junk lived in my pantry. My home was becoming a very "unsafe" place. My husband at 6'1" can eat anything and everything and never weigh an ounce over 145 I figured he won't miss the junk since he willingly eats anything I put on a plate in front of him.

You also said we can come back from weight gain and be stronger because of what we've learned. I whole heartedly agree with that statement. The older I get the more I firmly believe that. I'm strong enough to bench press a Buick.

Good Luck on meeting your goal. It sounds like you have the determination, will power and a plan to meet it.

- Iris

Thanks for your reply...I really think I will be stronger now because I revisited a place I never thought I would be and the fact that I was driving the car to get there and found it not to be a place of unicorns and rainbows but a place that promised so much but was only a place of lies, deceit, weight gain and tears. 

Well said, Kathy...I wish you and you husband the best!  

Thanks so much for your support Sheila 

Thanks for sharing!!  I have been going to the support groups at a bariatric practice here, but not where I had my surgery.  My husband has been going with me for support.  Sometimes he sits in another room and reads or naps in the car or stays in the group, depending on the group.  Mostly he goes with me, because a lot of times I do not like to go everywhere alone or it is easy to just not go, or because he needs to get out of the house, too.  It is nice to know there are others out there who support and get support from rather than blame others for their own problems.  I hope it helped you to post how you have been feeling, too.  Now that I am reconnected to some support; I am  realizing how much I had been holding in and not disclosing or dealing with and probably eating over.

Right now, I am making changes and for the first time I do not feel like I am on a diet and I do not feel deprived.  It is the strangest and greatest thing ever, at the same time!

Talk soon!

Louise

Excellent news Louise and congrats on your new way of thinking. It's all new to me too. It's now the outside world that I have to be careful of...lol..no longer my home with hubby still on full fluids. 

Congratulations Kathy to you and your husband!  I have always had the support of my hubby and the saying "partners in crime are divine" is truly what makes success in whatever we are accomplishing.  You will make your goal!  Congratulations again.

Thanks for your support Tess !

Hey...what do you know ? Hope is still alive !!! going to do my weekly weigh-in tomorrow and hoping to lose some pounds or a portion thereof. I'm a custodian for the local school board and teachers like to bring goodies etc in and especially on Fridays. I've done very good this week. I've been writing down what I've been eating ahead of time and usually planning a couple days in advance. I did have to alter couple of days due to having a cold I opted for homemade soup.

My experience has taught me that I still feel like I'm doing a couple things wrong... 1. If I eat everything that has been prescribe on my menu and I feel really satisfied then I feel guilty since I seem to correlate that feeling with failure and my security seems to ly with feeling empty on the cusp of hunger....not sure what the hell that's about.  2. Some of my meals when I see it all laid out in a bowl or a plate...it's too big...more than a cup. My emotional side says..SOOO...I can eat it all !!!  I had my surgery March 2010 so ..YEAH !!! of course I can eat it all....then feel guilty. I'm really thinking that I may be visualizing these particular meals with pre-surgery eyes and thinking that it's not thaaat much. Of course it's lies...the truth is I really just want to eat...duh !!! 

Thanks for being here