Got out of control & can't get back on track.

Okay, so I had my RNY in late October 2007, lost my excess weight & hit goal 8 months post-op , kept weight consistent for all this time over the last two years until the last couple months. I am seriously addicted to Stacy's pita chips (no other brand, just those - can't stand any others). My obsession before RNY was tortilla chips with melted cheese and the jarred cheese sauce - crunchy, salty, gooey.  I know carbs are still my nemesis.  But I let myself get addicted to these chips. I do mean addicted - I will eat through a whole bag in three days - eating them while drinking water which just flushes them right through, and to the exclusion of all other foods.  I know in my head I have to get control and get back on a real eating plan - this is, after all, very bad for my health.  I write down what I'm going to eat for the day, then I can't stop myself from hitting the store on the way to work and grabbing another bag of pita chips.  Then the guilt hits while I'm eating but it doesn't stop me. I feel so out of control and hate myself. I've gained back 10 pounds, have had to put away the size 4 jeans and move up to the 6's, feel sick most of the time and am exhausted. I look at my vitamins on the counter and tell myself, this will take too long to package the whole day up, so I'll do it to night and put each portion in ziplocs for tomorrow, but it doesn't happen and I have the same conversation every morning.  It's been months since I've regularly taken my vitamins, i might take them one day a week or so - couldn't take them the morning of my abdominoplasty surgery (Nov 2009) and have not been able to get going on taking them since.  I feel like a train wreck waiting to happen, but feel totally out of control.  I know I'm only hurting myself, so don't need that pointed out, but would appreciate any advice anyone has on how to break this habit and get back on track with what I need to do before I end up hurting my health any worse.  I was doing great, except for a shopping addiction, stopped shopping and cut up all the cards and restructured our finances so I have that under control now, but then my eating went out the window. On days I force myself not to eat pita chips all day, i find that I'm constantly eating whatever else is around. Like today, I had a whole bagel with a scrambled egg, two slices on bacon and a slice of cheese on it.  It took me two hours to eat it, but I did. Then I had a half a peanut butter sandwich, then later the other half, then an apple, then two cheese sticks and I'm not even to lunch hour yet. I cannot believe I can eat this much. Oh yeah, drinking a protein shake while I'm typing.  It's like I shove the food down, then think "oh I haven't eaten yet, better eat something" and am completely ignoring the fact that I'm full, my tummy hurts and yes I have eaten a ton of food already. I'm hiding food from my husband so he doesn't see what I'm eating because he mentioned that it seemed like I was eating more lately.  I hide it in the car because I know when he leaves for work and takes his truck, he'll never look in the car under the hidden panel.  He might find things if I hide them in the house.  He's always forgetting where things are and looking in strange places - my old hiding spots.  I'm even lying to my psychologist who's helping me work through eating disorder issues about how much I'm eating.  I feel like I'm falling apart and a complete failure.  I was doing so well, then crash!  Okay, so I had to rant and get that all out.  Now I need to figure out where to go from here and what to do to get back on track.  Any helpful advice would be so greatly appreciated.

WOW!  Lizzy you got it out and that is a start.  I am glad to see you are seeing therapist. You know it is a problem and you are taking steps before you gain another 10 pounds.  I know it is hard but try not to beat yourself up about this.  My suggestions are as follows:

1.) be honest with your husband.  He can help you.  Hiding the food, etc is like the alcoholic who is hiding his addiction.

2.)  Join more groups on OH.com.  Another good group tailored for this problem is Overcoming Binge Eating.  It is a small group but we are all dealing with this issue. 
Beck Diet Solution, Positive thinking, etc. are some other groups that I find very helpful.  There are 2 BDS groups BTW. 

3.) You need to be honest with your therapist and get him to help you get at the root of why you are doing this.  Is it possible when you got your finances in order you transferred addictions from shopping back to eating.  Still there is a reason for the addictions and only you can find it with help of therapist, and research.  The more you post here the more support you will get and this will keep you very mindful of your addiction and fitting it. 

4.)  There are plenty of good books out there on this eating disorder.  Google it and read a few of them. I have read a few of them and they have help me.

That is my 2 cents and I hope it helps.  Hang in there and stay positive.
 

Thank you so much, Molly!  I have the Beck Diet Solution book somewhere in the den (along with all my old diet books).  I'll have to dig it out and maybe actually read it this time. 

I'm going to find the Overcome Binge Eating group on here tonight when I get home.  Maybe reading some posts will help me and then I can join in once I have some useful input.

You're so right - I need to stop lying to my husband and my therapist about the food.  That's how I got in the mess before - hiding food and then binging like crazy every chance I got to be alone. I've turned into a huge grazer and I know I need to change that. 

Thank you for your wise and kind words.  I feel better already knowing I'm not alone.  I haven't posted on this site for months and I really felt today that I needed to get back to it and get back with people who have been/are where I'm at.  I also need to start going back to my support group meetings.  They're inconvenient because all of them are at least 40 minutes away and start 2 hours after I get off work, but right now it's what I need to do for myself, so I'll try not to think about the inconvenience and I can read in the car while I'm waiting in the parking lot for the meeting to start - there's a good idea.

Thank you again!
Jodi

Hi Jodi,

I can't offer a lot of advice because I'm climbing back on the horse myself; however, I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I saw myself in a lot of what you said...I have "totally" been binge eating. I binge on "Sugar" instead of something salty. I've recently found myself constantly grazing on those little "Robin Eggs" that you find at Easter...The Whopper Malted milk eggs. I bought a bag "four" times with the intention of giving them out at Easter but ended up eating them almost completely by myself. Before Easter, I was constantly eating M&Ms Peanut Butter morsels. Unlike yourself, I've gained back around 45 lbs. I can totally relate to the feeling of being out of control and like a train that is on a dead end track. Good news is that we have this group and each other. As they say, "the only failure is in not getting back up again". Hang in there! I know you can do it!

Donna
P. S. I'm planning to take a look at that Binge group myself. It sounds good! Perhaps we'll meet there as well. :)

I'm guessing the first thing you have to do is to stop lying to yourself.  Of course, you can keep yourself from stopping at the store and buying the chips.  It may not be easy, you may not like not stopping, but stopping doesn't just mystically magically happen.  I call it being a Nike girl - Just do it! LOL

I've never known anyone to fall over dead in a heap because they didn't give in to a craving - but that's the way we act.  We would never agree that we believe we will die if we don't >>>>>>>> (in your case, the >>>>>>> is "stop at the store and buy chips")  My grandmother used to say "What you do speaks so loud I can't hear what you say"   Think about that the next time you "can't not stop at the store"  and just go on home and follow your food plan.  You will feel so go when you wake up the next morning with a compliant day behind you.  How long does it take you to get past the store?  Five minutes?  Even when we're craving we can control ourselves for 5 minutes.  When you do that CELEBRATE in a non-food way (e-mail us and tell us about your win) and start your next 5-minutes count down.  YOU CAN DO THIS - please believe in yourself. 

If you're comfortable, post often and allow us to share your journey

You are so right.  It's so much easier to lie to myself than make good choices.  But I have taken your advice and I've even found a faster route to work than what I was doing and it doesn't take me anywhere near the store.  Each time I've taken that turn and went that route instead of my usual one the last two days, I've felt so much prouder that I am taking control of myself and knowingly doing something that is better for me.  I love your grandmother's saying - I'll be keeping that in mind!

I had it out with the pita chips last night.  Opened the bag, had one and then thought, no I am not eating these anymore - they don't even taste like anything.  So I got the other hidden bags, smashed them all up and then dumped their crumbs out of the bag and straight into the big garbage container that went out this morning.  I felt so good after that and when I was done I had a big glass of water and felt fine.  Took the dog for a walk, played with him outside with my husband and went to bed a happy girl. 

You're right - I can do this as long as I can make myself be honest with myself and do what I did before when I felt like slipping - come on here, read posts and get my good feelings back!

Thank you!

Oh my goodness, Lizzibear - I am SO PROUD of you   

You are doing a spectacular job of solving your problem

Keep up the good thinking!!!!!!!!!!!   Feelings are like a math problem   Take what you are thinking, add to that what you are doing and the sum will be what you are feeling.  The zinger is that we so often turn that upside down and are stuck in a quagmire of misery.

And aren't those good feelings WONDERFUL