What am I doing to myself?

I am here basically because I feel I have no where else to turn.  I am having a hard time getting hooked up with a support group in my area and I feel like I am spiraling fast! I had gastric RNY in 2003 and I actually at one point was 20 pounds below my personal goal.  I am 5'10 and I got down to about 134 pounds.  I remember thinking to myself that I would never let myself weigh more than 150 again. Boy was I kidding myself.  I have now gained 40 pounds and I feel like I am gaining weight on a daily basis.  I have noone to talk to about how I am feeling because noone really understands, I have even seen a PA about putting me on a diet pill.
I do know that I am an emotional eater and have started working a very stressful job.  I drink alcohol more often now than I ever have in my life, probably 4-8 times a month. I am by no means an alcoholic-but when I drink I go all out.  And I know there are a lot of calories.  I am  not exercising like I should because I work long hours and feel guilty for taking time away from my kids.  I used to get up an hour early to exercise, but when I don't see results it is very hard to be motivated to get my butt out of bed that early in the morning.  I have tried to follow the rules again-but again have a hard time staying motivated when I don't see the numbers drop.
I don't want to gain this wieght back.  I am scared and I need help.  I don't know if I had a one on one person to talk to regularly that had been through the same process I would be able to help myself before I am more out of control.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Chris - I could have written your post myself!! I had mine in Aug. 05 - lost the weight fast and up till about 6 months ago I have maintained 133 - 135. Well yesterday I was 149. I'm so sad and dissappointed in myself. I haven't been excerising either but I have learned how to graze again.  I too have a few to many to drinks when we go out.  I am going to do a liquid diet after the 1st of the year and have gotten a excerise buddy in place. I refuse to lose this battle - I just can't do this again!! I would love to have someone to keep me in order so feel free to email me and we can help each other!! [email protected].  I'm 5'6 and had plastics done to on my arms so as you put alot into this is something worth fighting for!!! Hope to hear from you -

Hey Maddie,
First off, Welcome to BOTT!  You are in the right spot to get some help and support.  I'm 10 years out and did great until 3 years ago.  The weight just started to pile on.  I didn't take my vitamins, ate everything and didn't exercise.  I started botting last January.  I made myself get back to basics.  No "white" foods, protein first, documenting everything I eat and no drinking with meals.  I also started exercising. It certainly wasn't easy, but little by little I did it.  There are some great people on this site to help you through.  Read Cathy's suggestions on this forum for additional help. 

You can do this and we will be here to help you!
Deb

here is a big hug ... you are not alone .. you are definitly in the right spot .
I too have failed the surgery, the surgery did not fail me .... it takes alot to admit , but getting back on track is the easy part , it is staying on track thats hard . ,,,, have you thought about the 5 day pouch test to jump start your body and re"train " your body into eating right /
good luck . and dont be hard on yourself , we are all here for the same reason ! 

Hi Tamara. I just joined this group and am very thankful that I did. I also have failed but I refuse to stay down. Do you mind explaining what the 5 day pouch test is?

Maddie, we are here for you! Most of us come from a place of compulsive emotional overeating, so you are definitely not alone.

The important thing to remember is that weight loss is a journey, not a destination, and we are on that path every day. Sometimes we slip off the path, but then we forgive ourselves and get right back on. It's very difficult, when we have seen that number on the scale as a defining part of our existence, to think of it as ONE marker of health and not the be-all and end-all.

I keep a regular diet journal, and I have a mileage-plan that I check off every day, to help keep me motivated in my running. I weigh myself every Sunday, even if I am a little worried about what the number might be. See, I know that I can't possibly gain more than a pound or two in one week--but I can gain a lot more than that in a month--and the thing to do is rein myself in quickly back to good habits rather than allow myself to go on with unhealthy foods for long periods of time.

I work 12-hour night shifts, and it HAS been a challenge to stay active. I have been able to work around my schedule, often running the morning before my first night shift, having the next day as a scheduled rest day, then sleeping the next morning and going for a run in the afternoon. It helps! Plus I feel totally virtuous when I do it. :D

I have 3 sons, and it is easy to get into the guilt thing for spending time away from them. But I have realized that the only way I can take care of THEM is to take care of ME first. When your kids get older, perhaps you guys can be active together as a family. And regular exercise is an EXCELLENT example to set for them.

A lifestyle choice that embraces emotional and physical health is something that we here on the board are working on every single day. Eating for health doesn't mean never having Christmas cookies again, but it does mean being aware of a normal serving of cookies and sticking to that portion.

It is not easy to go from the typical American approach to food to a way of using food as fuel and a source of nourishment rather than emotional fulfillment, but the end results are WORTH IT!! Think of your kids--and how long you want to be around for them. Think of raising them to enjoy fruits and veggies, and not hide in the closet scarfing down a box of Ding-Dongs like so many of us have in the past. Those things are worth more than hanging on to food or booze as comfort and coping.

Best of luck, Maddie!

Hey there,

After 5 years post-op, I started eating, not exercising, basically doing everything I was not suppose to do.  After I put on 27 lb. I decided to see my surgeon for help to get back on track.

He put me back to basics - meat, veggies, cheese, tree nuts, and berries.  He also suggested a book "Die Fat or Get Tough".  I have started reading the book and some point**** home.  It is changing your thinking from fat to fit.

I joined Curves so I can have some exercise buddies.  Exercising at home (alone) was boring so I lost interest. 

I hope this has helped.  You're not alone.  Hang in there......take inventory......and get back on track.