Finding Motivation Amidst Failure

Ok, so the other day I applied for financing to get a revision on my surgery.  It was easier tog et it fixed than accept that my eating habits haven't bene what they should.  So, when I got approved I felt this lurch of hope surge within me.  However, the more I thout about it, I realized that this same financing could go for the tummy tuck and breast augmentation I never thought I would get.  The more i thought about it the more I realized that I needed to give myself a real chance to get back on track on my own since I Would hae to change my lifestyle regardless.  So, here I am.  Now for my story...

At 18 (1998) I was raped and conceived a child.  Following the birth of my oldest son, I turned to food as a source of comfort.  I had always had that instinct but my military service and active lifestyle had always kept my weight in check.  Following the birth of my son I struggled with a lot of unresolved issues and I was also off of active duty and now in the reserves because I was a single parent.  Thus, the less active lifestyle and the emotional eating turned into a unhappy young woman who weighed over 400 pounds.

In 2003 I underwent a RNY at Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angelos California.  The procedure was relatively simple and I was back at work in a week.  Accross the first six months I lost all of my weight--dropping to 238.  When I went for my 6 month post op I told my doctor that I had little to no restriction and no negative reactions to sugars or fats.  He told me that he was not concerned because of the level of my weight loss.  Over the next three years I maintained my weight through an active lifestyle and making sure everything I purchased for groceries was healthy and not a "binge food."

In 2006 I met my current husband.  We became pregnant rather quickly (September 2006) and shortly after discovering my pregnancy my husband had his first manic episode which triggered a dianosis of Bipolar DIsorder.  Following that my husband became very verbally aggressive when he would cycle and did not really take care of his disorder like he should.  THis meant that he was almost always in an angry manic state during wich he would also engage in innapropriate behaviors like dating other women. In addition, my husband had a very abusive childhood--going from one foster home to another.  Now he eats junkfood like it is his lifeline because he never got it as a child.  THis means that my house is loaded with all of the crap I shouldn't eat.  During the worst of his bipolar disorder I returned to emotional eating.  THe availability of crummy food spelled disaster,   Now, since I had no resriction, the abilty to eat all of this crap led to rapid weight gain.  From September 2006 (when I got pregnant the first time****il today (my third son's first birthday) I have been pregnant with, delivered, and nursed two children).  Through it all--my emotional eating has led to a 60 lb weight re-gain.

So, I went to the doctor to have the lack of restriction addressed.  I was sent for an upper GI.  through this procedure I discovered I have an ulcer as well as rapid emptying of my stomach.  I think my Stoma has stretched.  So, basically, food doesn't really stay in my stomach and my mind is perpetually telling me to eat.  My insurance has a written exclusion for Weight loss Surgery. So, my only hope is that they will cover a revision because of the ulcer.  Other than that--I would be self pay.  Now that I was approved for a significant credit line with care credit I am really wanting to try and get the weight off myself.  To exercise--I never have since my surgery--and to eat properly.  I am hoping I can get the weight off on my own and then use this credit line to get platics.  before my credit was poor and I felt hopeless when ever I looked at the extra skin.  This was depressing and I think subconsciously it was part of why I gave in to the bad eating again. 

Now, I am back to refocus and try to get it off myself.  I weight 298 right now and I would like to get to 198 before I have my stomach and breasts done.  I am hoping this group will help me stay focused and I can resist my addictive emotional eating. 

Cara we try to upbuild and motivate one another here on BOTT.  Most of us are fighting bad habit but try to stay on track.  However if we get sidetracked we try not to stay on that path. 
You know what to do and we are here to try to help you keep doing it.  I am so glad that you are going to work with your tool.  Emotional eating is a hard habit to break but you can do it.  Take care and best wishes on refocusing.  I can see that 198 in the horizon and you can see it too.

Z

Welcome CaraScrv7,
As our member Z has stated we are all here for help, motivation and support.  You can get back on track, and refocus your positive energy on yourself. Like so many of us I too am an emotional eater and I need that motivation and strength that I draw from this group.  We help each other and we hope that we can help and inspire you also to achieve your goal.

Genie

Hi Cara,

I too am an emotional eater so you are among members that understand that aspect of our wls journey.  Good, bad or whatever emotion, eating has always been the comfy, cozy, safe place for me.  BOTT is all about supporting and motivating each other so you are among friends.  I'm very happy that you're here with us.

Take care, Cathy

Take care, we are all here for  you. I am new on the board and in the same boat to of emotional eating.

Cara,

it seems as tho you and i have a lot in common.
i had my surgery in 2003 and lost down to 228.
i am around 270 right now.

i was looking at a revision, but have thought about it and have decided that what i really need to do is change my eatting habits and i need to START to exercise, which i have NEVER done!

if i have a revision, i will go on a very black and white post-op diet with protien shakes everyday.
so instead of having the surgery, i have been following a post-op diet of about 1000 clas a day.
i have lost almost 15lbs in 2 months.

it is not as fast as it would be if i had  revsion, but it is still working!

i too am looking at getting my plastics done, but i would like to be down to 185lbs.
i cannot afford to spend the money on a revision and THEN plastic surgery!
..so i am trying to do a mental revsion instead!

i did well for the frst 2 years then i found out soem things about my husband that broke my heart and caused me to self-sabotage a LOT.
Then we were seperated for a year and i messed myself up even more by not taking vitamins, eating wahtever i wanted and dating a guy who also broke my heart.

i am back with my husband now, who still has his share of issues and addictions,
but he is very, very supportive of my weight loss efforts!

but i am in counseling trying to recover from my most recent heartbreak and trying to reconcile issues with sexual abuse and emotional neglect...

feel free to friend me!

take care of yourself! and be KIND to yourself!

-teresa