OUCH! Fell off wagon and it hurted

Hey, everyone! I've fallen off the BOTT wagon and it hurted a lil bit. I've been lurking again and not taking an active part.

I'm falling back into my old ways of eating and thinking. That coming to terms with your new self thing everyone talks about, has finally hit me. I'm getting close to being 5 years out and have been thinking about who I've turned into and not ever reaching my goal weight. The fat girl that is locked in the dark recesses of my mind has been coming out and talking to me in very negative ways.

I've never been really good at asking for help or telling people my problems. I just let my best friend of 20+ years know I was in a not very happy place with both my personal and professional lives.

I've always reached a goal when I've set it for myself so not reaching this one almost 5 years later is messing with my mind. The self-doubt is crazy ridiculous. I've always been overweight and don't know how let go of that thinking. I'm 35-lbs out from being where my surgeon wants me, but at the same time am absolutely scared to get there. If I am having self-doubt and not knowing where I am now, what's going to happen when I reach my goal weight. This is extremely new gound for me. I've never been one to not be sure of myself. I don't want to turn into someone I'm not, but am starting to not recognize the person that I have become (mainly because of my self-doubt and body image). Unfortunately when I had the surgery, I thought I would lose all my weight, find someone that makes me happy and go from there. Since that hasn't happened, the old me keeps sticking her nose in saying I should stay where I am (still overweight) and then I won't be disappointed or suprised when things dont' happen.

Bleh...in an effort to get my head on straight, I'm committing to posting to the Cafe and Cardio daily (even if I can't do it until after I get home). I'm not going to make losing weight a priority until I get my daily eats and protein back on track.

Happy says it best, I think.... All this proves is that you are human (however inconvenient that may be!) and while I can understand where you are comming from.... I think its high time you stop looking at the past! We can never move forward until we accept our present state. That also means accepting where we've come from. You have had a life-changing surgery, you committed to it the day you layed down on that operating table and counted back from 10. Its true that many of us don't like several choices we've made since that day, but that doesn't mean we should allow ourselves to lose all hope and commitment.

Take a gander at where you are RIGHT NOW. What small improvements can you make to your every day habits that can help you on your way to BOTT? I'm talking little steps. Can you hit the pavement after dinner for 20-30 minutes? Can you reduce your intake by 200 calories this week? Can you increase your water to 64 oz? Start small. We all wish we were eating 800 calories a day and jogging 5 miles, but we can't start there. It takes a little bit every day to work up to it. 

We're here for you and will help remind you why you joined BOTT. You want this, you do, and you know it. So lets do it! Lets take a small step in the right direction today!

Hey realizing is the first step and we are in this together! Thanks for sharing! It's good to know I am not the only one out there!

Thanks for responding Sion and Lesley! I've pretty much set up a plan for getting BOT. I decided yesterday that I would start with the daily cafe and cardio then gradually add little things every two weeks so it doesn't seem like I'm doing every thing at once (like you suggested Sion). Here is a list of the main things I want to focus on:

1. Cafe and Cardio posting.
2. Work out a plan for eating and vitamins
3. Exercise two times a week for two weeks then up it one day two weeks.
4. Journal all the negative thoughts to get them out there
5. Water ~ at least 64 oz a day.
6. Cut back on my coffee (this was my transfer addiction)
7. Believe in the skinny person I will become and still remain the person every one knows and loves
8. Remember that my weight is just a number on the scale, it shouldn't drive my mood

Though I am not as far out as you are (congrats!), I can certainly understand where you are coming from.  Up until the last couple of months I have been faithful about doing the RIGHT things.  These last couple of months -- just can't focus.  I know what I need to do, just need to FORCE myself to do it.  I love your list -- looks like a very workable one!

We are all here to help each other -- feel free to PM me if you would like add'l support!  :)

I have been so far off track the past couple of months. I'm with you...baby steps...back to basics. I have to keep myself focused and accountable. I did NOT go through all of this to get so close to goal and then crash and burn and lose focus. Time to put on the big girl panties and start back at step #1.  I am committing myself to put all of my energy to reach what I set out to do 23 months ago.

Just read your post - Thanks for trusting us enough to share 

Kind of seems as though you are unaware you HAVE found someone who can make you happy.  In fact, the only "someone" who can now, or ever could, make you happy - Y O U!!!!  Other's can enhance us, but they cannot complete us.  Why?  Because we are already whole.

Go back and write down all the motivators for you when you began, go back to basics, plan/write your food & exercise and ABOVE ALL value/love yourself. 

I wish you well