How do I get "back on track"??

It was recommended by another member to join your group in hopes that someone here might be able to help me. I'll try to keep my post short, and not ramble on to much. I have a tendency to do so, I apologize now.
Recently I've had to have some tests completed. (CT-scan, barium study and an endoscopy)
All three show three different problems. CT shows my hernia is basically acting up again, barium study shows my pouch is enlarged (techs words were it's larger than I expected, but it also looks enlarged, not just stretched, but enlarged.. I'll ask the surgeon what that means when I see her in a few weeks) Endoscopy showed my stoma is stretched. (again, tech said, the stoma is stretched WIDE open, which isn't good)
So, at this point, I feel like I've failed, after all my pouch wouldnt be enlarged and my stoma stretched if I hadn't done anything wrong, right?
I keep food journals, have been daily since surgery. (yeah I know that's a LONG time, but I do it anyhow, yes occasionally I miss a day, but generally I'm on top of things) The nurse practitioner all but called me a liar when I saw her, apparently no one keeps a journal as well as I have kept mine and NO ONE weighs their food as far out from surgery as I am. ( I do so when I am at home, to keep myself in line, paranoid I'll do something wrong, I do what I need to, to keep myself in check) I've gained 30 lbs and I constantly feel hungry, when I eat, I'm nauscious and within a half hour I either feel like I'm going to vomit, or I have diarrhea. (sorry if that's TMI) Nurse practitioner said at last visit, this may very well be something I'll have to live with.
SO... any suggestions from anyone as to HOW I'm supposed to get back on track? My insurance doesn't cover me to go see a dietitician or nutritionalist, so I can't afford to go see either.
I hate this feeling of failure and I REFUSE to allow myself to gain all the weight back. I will get back on track.. somehow, some way.. with the help and support of others who are struggling as well.

 Hello,

First, tell the nurse to take a hike.  

You journal and measure your food, but what and how much do you eat?  Do you see any reason why you would have gained or stretched things out?  I think if you are bothering to be so particular with weighing and recording, you must be doing at least okay because I know that when i am doing badly, I will let the recording slip.  I think it's kinda hard to stretch yourself out.

How much have you lost total?  Pouch being enlarged can't be good.  That's inflamation of some kind and should be checked into.

You haven't failed.  If they are going to be so negative and unhelpful, I'm sure you can get much better info here.  Especially for nutrition.  My surgeon is in Mexico so I am on my own and always seem to find what I need to find.

I am very curious though what and how much you're eating.  I also get stomach issues and maybe we can help each other out.  I refuse to put up with anything forever.  Again, they can take a hike.  There is no reason for you to suffer with that.

Amy

Hi Amy,
Thanks for responding to my post and being supportive, I appreciate it.
One of the things I also write in my journal is if I've completely eaten everything I wrote. Somedays I finish the meal, most days I don't. It still amazes my family that my 17 month old granddaughter actually eats more then I do most days!! If we eat out, I either order from the kids menu or from the senior menu. Most restaurants I go to know I've had the surgery and are very accomodating, a few don't really care and won't allow me to order the smaller meals. In those cases, I tell them when I place my order to make sure to bring a box because I won't be finishing the meal.
The most I've lost is 130 pounds. I know this is a great accomplishment and I'm proud that I've lost that much. But as anyone can tell you, it's not a good feeling when you look in the mirror and see yourself getting bigger, or it's not good when you see an old friend who says, you're gaining weight again, are you ok?
I thought at first maybe this gain was stress related, and some of it could be. (I'm the only income right now in a family of four, helping to raise my granddaughter after I thought  I was done with that stage, working two jobs, one of which we aren't getting paid for until the Governor passes a budget)
I still doing my daily workout, changing things up a little so it doesn't get boring. I can't afford a gym, so I do the workout tapes from the Biggest Loser and I walk ALOT.
So, I really can't see why things became stretched or enlarged. I feel like I've been doing everything "right", so where did things go so wrong?

I am sorry to hear you are having such  troubles. As far as the medical issues go, of course I really don't know. I have heard there is a surgery for fixing the stoma (stomaphyx) or also I believe there is a lady on this site that had a procedure done recently. Will have to check prior posts as I can't remember the info. As far as this site read the guidelines like protein first, no drinking with meals etc. Sounds like you are doing things well so what frustration! There are probably others much more knowledgeable on here that can help. I forget if you said your insurance is limited. That certainly adds to not being able to "fix" the problems. Welcome to the board and I hope we can be at least some comfort to you.

Retta - First of all, let me say WELCOME   I hope you fined this site as helpful as I have.  These are the kindest, most accepting, understanding and caring folks I've ever found. Come and post often.  Don't be shy   Please let us know how we can be helpful to you.  We've all struggled.  I gained 30 pounds about 2 years out (no reason except I over ate ) and am within less than 7 pounds to reaching my goal weight again.

I also keep a food diary - plan everyday's food at least one day in advance.  I've found mydailyplate on LiveStrong.com a marvelous way to do that (I'm 3/12 yrs out from Lap band surgery now)  It's the only way I can get/stay on track.

First of all, I wouldn't wait  - I'd get the soonest appointment available with your surgeon.  No, you have not necessarily done something wrong - there's always the exception to everything.  I know that my surgeon's nurse who had her by-pass surgery about 10 years ago before they used staples, had an enlarged opening (and ate and ate and ate & of course, gained) because her stitches did not hold.  My dr put a lap band on over her by-pass and she has been doing well ever since.  Haven't a clue whether this is appropriate for you or not - your surgeon would know what's best for you

As to getting back on track - I would suggest going back to the beginning and refeeding just like you did right after surgery - 2 weeks of clear liquids, 2 weeks of full liquids, and 2 weeks of pureed food before eating solid food again.  That helps me.  Also, read Cathy's guidelines for this group - it's so easy to let something helpful slip without even realizing it - the guidelines are a fine way to refresh our memories after we've "graduated" 

Most importantly you need to tune up your thinking - you ARE NOT a failure - your opening is the failure.  Think what you would say to a friend in the same situation - would you tell her/him they were a failure????  I think not!!!!  I doubt that you would even entertain the idea they were a failure.  Be your own friend. Love yourself

Keep on your quest to solve your problem 

Retta,

Welcome to BOTT!! This is a great board for helping when you need it and keeping you on track. There is a daily cafe and cardio where you can post your menu. This might be a great way to make sure you are on track. You may just inspire someone which in turn could inspire you.

As far as your pouch goes, I would definitely talk to your SURGEON and not his NURSE. I don't want this to sound negative against nurses, just his. She isn't the one who went to school and trained on this specialty. She may not be a knowledgable as she thinks she is. When you do see him, explain to him what she has said to you and how that has made you think of yourself as a failure. Most WLS surgeons know that the mind is the most powerful tool in using the pouch.

Try to stay focused.