I'm Failing at this...

Over the last 2 months I have been gaining weight.  I have some other stuff going on (we're trying to get my hormones figured out and stable... cortisol, aldosterone, and female hormones).  My NUT said hormonal problems and weight loss do not go well together and said it's no surprise I'm gaining weight right now.  On top of that I have insomnia (started coincidentally 2 months ago).  I am up 30 pounds in 2 months.  Sickening how much and how fast I gained weight.  I am painfully hungry and my PCP will be putting me on an appetite suppressant when my insomnia improves (we think it is related to the hormonal problems or medications).  I know that with insomnia, it drops your metabolism (which was low to start with).  It also gives me more hours in the day/night to fight (and lose the battle against) my hunger. 

I just needed to vent.  I refuse to give up but I feel like a failure right now.  Between the hunger, lack of sleep, unable to exercise (but hope that will change soon after seeing my pain doctor again for a tweak in my breakthrough pain meds), and hormonal problems... I really hope that things start to improve.  It's been a rough few weeks and all my "planning" hasn't worked out the way I thought.  I need a support group, but I hate to post because of how bad I am doing these days.  I see my surgeon today (Tuesday) and I am afraid of being embarassed, lectured at, etc.  He is so sweet, but will call me out and point out my failure.  I was down 70 pounds at one point and now I'm only down 40 pounds.  It kills me to admit that.  I am still struggling with the Calcium supplementation and I am taking my other supplements every other day (I can't tolerate daily vitamin/mineral supplements). 

I HATE this!  I think about my band daily... remember how good it was to me and remember how the "bad times" with my band is nothing compared to my present state.  I know I had complications and know I had to remove it, but man this RNY is nothing like I imagined or hoped.  What a nightmare.  I wish my hunger was more manageable.  I was told a small percentage of people have terrible hunger post-op... so why me?  Why did I have to get strictures, small bowel obstructions, and no help for my hunger?  Why did my pituitary and adrenal glands malfunction (adrenals quitting completely and pituitary partially)?  I have so many "why me" type thoughts and I try to block them out... I try to look ahead instead of back... but some days, lately I just hate this surgery and having this terrible sense of failure (and evidence on the scale).  I don't know if my surgeon will be able to help me... but maybe he has ideas regarding my nausea... or appetite suppressants.

Well, sorry this got so long.  I just needed to vent!

Hi,

Yea, you have alot going on and all the worry and stress is not making things any better.  I wish I had the magic answer.  Do you pray, meditate?  Take a nature walk.  Find something you enjoy to take mini retreats from all this crap that is going on.  Walking is excellent for just chilling.  Huuugzzzz

Thank you so much for your reponse!  It means a lot to me to have a group of people here that will listen, not judge me, and help me get/stay on track!

Praying or meditating... I will pray here and there but not on a regular basis.  I don't meditate but I have thought about trying it.  I'm also thinking about trying accupuncture, massage therapy, or see a chiropracter (to see if any of those help relax me and/or treat my pain).  Walking causes pain, but I think my pain doctor and I are getting close to a "stable" state regarding my pain.  I might try some yoga type exercises (no impact is important... even low impact upsets things).

Thanks again!  You are so sweet!

Good grief, Swimmer - You're anything but a failure!  If anybody's a failure it's your drs - and you know they aren't failures since they are frantically searching for the right balance to resolve your physical problems.  Would you tell a friend she was a failure if she was in your position - I DON'T THINK SO!  Please be kind a gentle with yourself - just be your friend.

I'm glad you posted and shared your situation with us.  It helps to vent and this is a safe place to do that and know that you will be understood and accepted by people who care.

If you feel comfortable, please keep us posted on the process of getting your body back in balance.  Know you are in my thoughts and prayers. 

Thank you so much for giving me a new perspective ("would you tell a friend she was a failure if she was in your position - I DON'T THINK SO!").  I wouldn't call her a failure... unless she admits to giving up.  I refuse to give up!  I feel like my body has, but my mind is strong!  Thank you for letting me vent/cry/etc.  I've had a really bad couple of weeks (pelvic problems).  I'm doing ok (in response to your other post).  I spent most of the day at the pain doctor's office (his clinic is packed and you are never seen on time).  Tomorrow I see my endocinologist about the adrenal trouble.  Also, for my migraines, my doctor gave me a script for an injectable form of Imitrex... so hopefully that does the trick the next time I start to vomit from my migraines (and if I can't stop vomiting, I have to go to the ER to get IV cortisol... adrenal issue). 

I do feel like I am making progress regarding the pain control... so maybe someday soon I can do something like yoga or pilates!  I'd love to do some weight lifting, work on my bosu ball, etc.  I''l post about that down the road.  I certaily feel comfortable here and I'll keep you guys in the loop regarding my other health issues.  I hope they stabilize soon!  Thanks again for all your help!   It means a lot to me!

Alyssa,

You have been through a whole lot!  You are not a failure at all.  As you stated, and I quote  "I refuse to give up" so that means that you have the determination that will lead you ultimately to success.   Please don't apologize for venting.  We're all here to support one another.

Thank you so much for letting me vent!  I hate to be the "debbie downer" and so I was hesitant to post... but I needed to get the weight gain off my chest.  It was very cathartic!  Now it is in the open and something I do need to face.  I did say that I refuse to give up... but on the other hand, I have "half-assed" my weight loss attempts because I think it is less important than my other issues going on.  BUT... I have gained enough back that my clothes are all tight, I look pregnant, and I feel worse overall.  I need to address this gain now... not later.  It just seems that when I have a good plan for getting back on track, I just throw it out the window.  I don't even really implement it... it's like I never started a BOT plan!  Well, I do appreciate you guys listening and offering advice/support!  I know I don't post often, but I want to change that as I try to make my weight loss a higher priority.

Thanks again!!!

Good Morning Swimmer - How did your day go yesterday?  And how are you doing today?

I wish you well - if there's any way we can help, please don't be shy   Just jump on line and ask - we're here for you

You're so sweet to check in on me!  I am doing alright.  This may be too much information... but I started my period.  It's GREAT considering I'll be 9 months post-RNY next week and this will be my first period.  So that means that something is normalizing in my body!  I know that I am anemic, so maybe that is improving too?  I'll get my iron checked in a few weeks.  But... starting my period sucks in that it is extremely painful if I don't catch the pain early (meaning take pain meds in advance).  So, it hit me and hit me hard.  TOM always makes my bladder symptoms worse, but man I'm hurtin' with my period, my IC, and to make matters even worse, I threw out my back.  So I am walking around like Hunchback of Notre Dame or Igor!  But... I did get out and go grocery shopping (which was a big feat today with all that pain).  I was supposed to see my surgeon yesterday and he was called into emergency surgery and had to reschedule me for April 28th.  So... we'll see what he has to say/suggest.  I want his opinion on appetite suppressants, adrenal failure post-RNY, and my relentless hunger.  I am so embarassed, ashamed, disappointed, frustrated, angry, etc over this weight regain.  I am 315 pounds and was at 356 the day of surgery... I got all the way down to 270 something.  I can see the weight regain everywhere and feel "puffy" again.  My diet is generally healthy... I just eat too much of the good stuff (and not vegetables... but too much meat, too much dressing on my salads (because my salads are so big... I need loads of dressing!), too much cheese at times, too much milk some days, etc).  I am struggling food wise and hunger wise.  I can't put my body into ketosis (that makes my bladder pain exponentially worse because of all those ketones in the urine and blood stream).  So... I have to make sure I eat enough carbs as well as protein.  Thankfully I don't really dump (I say "really" because I can eat anything at lunch and dinner... but in the morning, I am sick every day, so there have been a few occasions where I tried to eat real food like eggs and have gotten sick... and I also get violently ill from sugar alcohols, calcium citrate, and multi-vitamins.

Well... I'm rambling now.  I don't know what to say... I do need help, but I don't know what to address first.  I see my internist in about 10 days to discuss appetite suppressants (assuming my insomnia is better and my sleep study doesn't prevent the meds). 

Thanks again for listening!  I'm so glad to have a place like here to go and find a way to get things back on track with lots of support!

Two things kind of jump out - and bear in mind I'm a Dr., but a Ph.D. Dr not a medical Dr.  You'r possible iron deficiency seems to me to be a factor in many of your physical problems - could you work at blood analysis in sooner rather than later?  And since you are hungry eating too much food (actually, we only THINK we NEED dressing on our salads, the thruth is we WANT dressing) my suggestion is that since quantity obviously isn't the issue here, you eat only the amounts stipulated by your WLS food guidelines. 

The fact is, we know little or nothing about "tummy" hunger but a whole lot about "head" hunger.  So, look to your thinking.  Our hunger is 98% between our ears.  We've all been there and done that or we wouldn't be bariatric patients.  I've never known anyone to die overnight because they didn't pig out the day before LOL  (But I've known lots of people - me included - whose bones & joints hurt like crazy because we demanded they carry around weight = to several 25 lb. bags of dog food)

Give up beating yourself - isn't appropriate, isn't going to help and will only prolong your unhealthy behavior.  Again, would you encourage/support a friend thinking like that?  I THINK NOT.!!!!!  You have a choice about what you think - your choice is to focus on what you haven't done or to focus on what you are doing.  Take it 5 minutes at a time.  When that 5 minutes is up, commit to the next 5 minutes.  We sure can keep our eating under control for 5 minues.  And celebrate (NOT WITH FOOD) at the end of each 5 minutes - a great big, "You're wonderful" and a big pat on the back will do just fine And it's the truth - the lie is "I'm a failure.")  The nice thing is that you can address other problems at the same time you are addressing your food intake - it doesn't have to be an either/or decision.  YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! 

Do you have children?  If not, indulge me and pretend you do.  Now your little child dearly loves their big red ball.  The big red ball goes out into the street.  Your child wants to run and get the ball.  You see a car approaching.  Would you say, "Honey, would you like to stay on the sidewalk with Mommy?"  Or, if it's not too hard, please stay on the sidewalk with Mommy?"  I DON'T THINK SO!  You would demand your child stay on the sidewalk and grab your child  firmly by the arm so your child had no choice but to stay on the sidewalk.  You wouldn't care if your child liked you or not at that point - your goal would be your child's safety and well being.  Why?  Because you love your child.  And you know what, you would expect your child to mind you whether they wanted to or not.  OK - love yourself enough to be kind, but firm, with yourself.  There are no reasons to overeat - there are only excuses.  We've all been there and done that and we sure have ample evidence it doesn't work.  Forgive yourself for being human and get on with meeting your real need here - compliance  No if ands or buts.  YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!

WE CAN DO, AND ARE DOING, THIS TOGETHER. 

p.s.  I'd like to say this is all theory - but I've lived it more than one time.  YOU CAN DO THIS!!! - I believe in you, please join me and believe in yourself - Remember 5 compliant minutes at a time today  YOU CAN DO THIS!!!